Edge: Book One: Lost

Prologue:

As I walked down the London streets, I looked at the starlit moon and hummed a little familiar tune, smiling as I reached my bright red door; I turned the silver knob, entering my old, weary home. The house lights were off. I entered in darkness. I felt for the switch on the left wall. The wall was cold; smooth. It was a soft, cream white--freshly painted. Click. The lights blurred my vision for a moment.

I hastily recovered and stepped forth, slipping off my long, black coat, which revealed a latex suit with matching boots, a leather collar, rope burns, and birthmark on my left shoulder. My pale skin contrasted to the dark textures. I moved, walking upstairs, listening to the hard thump of my boots against the wooden floor and the latex rasping together like a low hum of bullfrog as I smoothly moved from one step to the next. I untied my dark, brown hair, letting it fall gently over my shoulders.

I opened the door to my bedroom--gently, slowly. I was savoring the moment. I gently pushed open my great Victorian window; the white silk curtains raged past me as I let the night consumed me. I was alive. I sat on the rail of the window; howling to the moon like a wild beast. I laughed as the obsession--this madness ate my soul, filling me with this burning passion--this all-embracing, long yearning.

I breathed only for a moment--a pregnant pause becoming my last known existence.

I was plummeting; darkness coiled around my body--a cold, metal hand gently draped about my neck. The hand grew tighter--choking my voice, beating my soul. I felt the heat seething through my body. I was unmoving, dead-like. Abruptly, phantoms flitted around my being, their soiled hands gripping onto my flesh--each hand sent ice through my veins. My vision blurred into shadows. I was than feasted upon, pierced with white brazen teeth.

And there I slept in darkness, their teeth haunting my memory.

I descended into the darkness.

--
I finally edited this section of my book. Yay!
It's the very beginning and a very short prologue,
but the chapters are so much longer.

Wow. You did a lot with such a short space.

You did exactly what a prologue is meant to do; set up the scene and wet the reader's appetite for more. I must say that I'm impressed. I only caught a few grammatical errors:

My pale skin contrasted to the dark textures.

It might be better as: My pale skin contrasted the dark textures.

Same meaning, but it flows a little better.

I laughed as the obsession--this madness ate my soul, filling me with this burning passion--this all-embracing, long yearning.

You need another two dashes after 'madness,' but otherwise, it's correct.

Great job, and I can't wait to find out more!

Hmmm, very interesting. Your description of her falling was wonderful - unique and refreshing in its own sense. I commend you for that.

Adjectives

Adjectives. What do I have to say about them? First, you use too many. Second, they are not well woven into the prose. You see, adjectives are wonderful things and they give the reader images, but they are not the foundation of the story. It is the unique verbs and nouns that truly weave your prose together. Let's look at one of your paragraphs...

As I walked down the London streets, I looked at the starlit moon and hummed a little familiar tune, smiling as I reached my bright red door; I turned the silver knob, entering my old, weary home. The house lights were off. I entered in darkness. I felt for the switch on the left wall. The wall was cold; smooth. It was a soft, cream white--freshly painted. Click. The lights blurred my vision for a moment.

Adjectives galore! Now, I don't mind if you describe almost every one of those things, but for some nouns, you use two adjectives, and your adjectives, in general, are not powerful. They don't give the reader a clear image; you seem to use vern generic adjectives like 'red' or 'bright' or 'starlit'. Instead, why don't you cut down on adjectives to stop cluttering your sentences and instead use powerful adjectives; be specific; say the door 'scarlet' or 'burgundy'; say the moon is 'pale' or 'sparkling'. Use phrases on the ends of your nouns instead of lumping description before it. Your problem here is that you use lots of generic adjectives in a way that doesn't flow.

My suggestions? First, decide which adjectives are necessary and which are not. Then, try to visualize the object and figure out how else you could describe it. Don't be satisfied with the generic modifier; find something that fits perfectly.

The other issue I want to address is sentence structure uniformity. Let's look back at your first paragraph. Now, take the first few words of each sentence and write them vertically down your paper. What do you see? Unless I am blind, you see repetition. Repetition bores the reader and entangles them in the choppy prose so they cannot focus on your characters. How to fix this? Use phrases, clauses like in your first sentence, anything to break away from the uniformity. Now, don't make every sentence a monster - some short, normal sentences are good too, but don't make them too uniform.

So, that was just your first paragraph, but I think that the things I mentioned here recur throughout your entire piece and that me pointing these out in other sections of the story would be not be as helpful to you as this. I'm not trying to be harsh with you - I'm really not. If you know anything about me, you know that I used to have an obsession with adjectives (so maybe I still use a bit too many, but tis better than it was); I used them with everything, and it hindered my writing. People pointed out that it was a problem, and I managed to cut down on them and it has helped me immensely - so I'm only passing down the advice.

Despite my criticism, this was a joy to read, so please keep writing! Nicely done and PM me if you need anything or have any questions.

Thank you, Fallingstar. I'll fix my mistakes this weekend, and maybe I'll have a new chapter up, too.

Writersdomain, I definently see your point, and I'll go through the story, again. Thanks for the future referance.