Lost

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LilMissMe99e
Gender Female
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Tue May 08, 2007 4:26 pm
LilMissMe99e says... · Tue May 08, 2007 4:26 pm
I was lost but never found
I wander aimlessly around
Never seeking a new home
I'm locked away and all alone
Who am I? Where do I go?
I wish I could know
Alone in a desert I see an alter
I'm begining to fade or falter
I lye down to take a rest
I'm forced to pass the ultimate test
I see my life flash before my eyes
I realize I'm about to die
I stand up and try to walk
I can't move or talk
I fall flat upon the ground
Without a single sound
I was found before very long
And the person realized I was gone
if school is for pratice and practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect why practice?
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Tie Dye Hero
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Tue May 15, 2007 6:58 pm
Tie Dye Hero says... · Tue May 15, 2007 6:58 pm
The rhyme scheme seems so forces...especially with the occasional false rhyme...and... there is one couplet that doesn't rhyme at all! If you are going to adhere to a rhyme scheme, its best to be consistent, otherwise the poetry comes off as very sloppy. Also, there are no new ideas. This doesn't convey anything that I haven't read a thousand times. Yes, you're lost, a lot of us are...but what makes YOU different? what sets you apart so much that people would like to read your poetry? Work on this.
I wish I was the evidence.

I wish I was the grounds
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LilMissMe99e
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Wed May 23, 2007 4:33 pm
LilMissMe99e says... · Wed May 23, 2007 4:33 pm
I'm not saying I'm different from everyone else because I'm lost in the big empty world I know I'm not but I am different... not for reasons most would think but I am
if school is for pratice and practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect why practice?
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miyaviloves
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Wed May 23, 2007 5:15 pm
miyaviloves says... · Wed May 23, 2007 5:15 pm
I prefer this poem muchly to your Cutting one, this one is much more original, and over all a better poem, keep doing things like this one!

Meevs
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Rydia
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Wed May 23, 2007 10:09 pm
Rydia says... · Wed May 23, 2007 10:09 pm
Hmmm. I'm not sure about this one. I like the idea behind it but I agree that it needs a little work. It's very raw and I think with a bit more imagery it could be very effective. You say you're lost for different reasons than what we'd think... so why not bring that into the poem? I can understand if it's quite personal but I just feel that there needs to be something more to make it unique.
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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
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