(Not) My Music

Muy Bien! me encanta tu 'poem' (not sure how to say it in spanish!)
Anyways i really liked how it flowed off the tongue while reading it. i also liked how i felt almost connected to it...maybe because i also play the cello, and the viola...i don't know but i liked it.
I agree with Kitty15...maybe an apostrophe after fluent would make it a bit better...not that it really needs much of anything!
anyways, i would really like to see more of your writing!
gracias!
---Lora

Love the musicality of it ^_^ That being said, I wish there was more than just the feeling of a crescendo/decrescendo; I wish you'd taken us through a whole piece/ spectrum of music.

Didn't I?

I tried, at least.

Ofour wrote:Fluent
Sliding melody
Bellows thought through
Sweet vibration
Coerced by finger,
Thumb and bow.
Resonate, fine 'cello,
With my passion freed
By someone else's song
That flows through
Tainted arm while
Flying high and drifting
Down or up to climax
With unmarked crescendo
Burning fuel of art as
Light vibrato sings
And a final note bids
Return to quiet
Emptiness.

This is more staccato-esque then my tastes generally prefer, and though it lends a sort of stark depth to each line, with your current lack of punctuation it seems to ramble. When I read this, it was really all in one rushed breath, as I didn't know where to pause. However, your word choice is pristine, and allows a sort of elegance to reside here, but the wordy/rushing flow really does hamper that quality.

Moving on... Perhaps you should tap into poetic devices more? Well-used metaphors can add a real profound potency to poetry (woot for alliterations), and I think that could be beneficial to both you and this piece.

Your emotive language used here:

Sweet vibration
Coerced by finger,
Thumb and bow.

was really quite excellent, and it allowed for some nice imagery. I'd recommend trying to better link together these images, so a full scene or series of scenes can be imagined. On top of that, work on allowing your reader to feel what you felt. Relate these abstractions to familiar things (again, back to the metaphors) and allow the reader himself to relate. Once you master conveying emotion through your writing, it's truly only a matter of picking an interesting subject; so that's something you should definitely focus on.


All in all, you have delicate strings of images, that suffer from poor flow and a lack of emotive links. Work on the latter two, and you should find yourself much improved.

All the best,
~CCF

I must say, a beautiful poem. Simple, yet moving. Exemplary.

Fluent
Sliding melody
Bellows thought through
Sweet vibration
Coerced by finger,
Thumb and bow.
Resonate, fine 'cello,
With my passion freed
By someone else's song
That flows through
Tainted arm while
Flying high and drifting
Down or up to climax
With unmarked crescendo
Burning fuel of art as
Light vibrato sings
And a final note bids
Return to quiet
Emptiness.

I quouted the entire poem, to emphasize my point. The imagry and word choice were so well done, that It made this entire poem come to life. Excellent and if I were you, I'd send this somewhere to get published.

-Pros