(Not) My Music

Fluent
Sliding melody
Bellows thought through
Sweet vibration
Coerced by finger,
Thumb and bow.
Resonate, fine 'cello,
With my passion freed
By someone else's song
That flows through
Tainted arm while
Flying high and drifting
Down or up to climax
With unmarked crescendo
Burning fuel of art as
Light vibrato sings
And a final note bids
Return to quiet
Emptiness.

This is beautiful and fluent, it flows off the tongue. You've created poetry of the recitation of imagery, which is an artform of itself. It'd like to see more of a statement in another one of your works (perhaps the title, "not my music", touches the nerves of envy?), but I still enjoyed this post just as much.

Note, to retain eloquency, I'd rephrase this line. It feels awkward:

"Down or up to climax "

I liked the flow and thought the piece was altogether very eloquent. I think the style was also very nice, with the one word ending and beginning and gradual change in structure. I agree that "Down or up to climax" does not seem as artful and flowing as the rest of the poem. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.

lol I found no problem with "down or up to climax"

I'm so tempted to place commas and periods and the like in all these places, but it is so beautiful without.

The beginning flowed slowly for me (due to the punctuation thing, but that is more of my reading and not your writing.) but once I got past the first few lines it flowed beautifully. The words are like the way you would play the 'cello. I'm not sure what else I can say?

Bravo

I intended this piece to resemble a piece of music. It starts slowly, as Claudette says, because many pieces begin with a introduction that picks up pace gradually. The whole poem is supposed to reflect exactly how a piece is played, I wanted to know everyone's thoughts on how effectively it does this and if you picked up on any of the little hints (although many were subconscious for me).

I too really liked this, the peotry was beautiful and yet it seemed effortless

If you mean picked up on the musical terms that you slid in in several places then yes I did, and I started to picture written music in my mind because of it, so ifthis was what you were going for then you accomplished it! again I felt that it wasn't like you sat down and said "OK, where can I put in a few more musical terms?" it was natural and added a depth to the poem as though it was accompanied by music... in short I loved the references to the instruments and to the theoretical aspects of music.

I have nothing at all negative to say It was fantastic!
-Gen

I'm with Claudette on the punctuation thing. I'm not used to not having little dots and dashes telling me how to read it.

That, and the apostrophe before "'cello" kind of bothers me. It's something that really shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does. It may be a regional thing, though.

I really liked it. Being a cello player myself, I could see someone doing this. I know the feeling of playing a beautiful piece and thinking afterward, "Why can't I write anything this good!"

Great job

Personally, I liked this poem. I was reminded vividly of how passionate I was with playing my flute. The imagry was beautiful, almost as if I was being walked through a piece of music.

Keep up the great writing. :]

"That, and the apostrophe before "'cello" kind of bothers me. It's something that really shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does. It may be a regional thing, though." - 'Cello is an abbreviation of Violoncello, and so requires an apostrophe.

This piece definitely had a very nice, beautiful flow to it that did indeed resmeble a piece of music. The only thing I saw was that the line that said "tainted arms" seems kind of off mostly because I wasn't sure why the arm would be tainted...didn't seem to fit in with the mood of the poem, of course that might just be me. Anyways, this is an awesome write!

"tainted arms" seems kind of off mostly because I wasn't sure why the arm would be tainted...didn't seem to fit in with the mood of the poem" - "tainted" means "imperfect" here. Because they are my arms, not those of the music's writer, they are tainted with my feelings and emotions, instead of his or hers, and so do not play the piece that they wrote (hence "My" Music) but what a piece that I am adding to.

Ofour wrote:"That, and the apostrophe before "'cello" kind of bothers me. It's something that really shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does. It may be a regional thing, though." - 'Cello is an abbreviation of Violoncello, and so requires an apostrophe.

I knew it was an abbreviation, just wasn't sure of what. And I obviously come from a very lax culture, as I've never seen "cello" with an apostrophe in front of it.

Again, nothing big.

The structure of this piece was very imaginative and I like the connections to music throughout your writing. I'm very tempted to place a comma after fluent though. Not only will this add to your slow introduction but it also makes it easier to read and keeps people like Claudette and me off your back.

The vocabulary you use is very good and adds to the mature, eloquent feel that so many other people have mentioned. I particularly liked your use of the word 'resonate.' Also, I love the ideas behind this and it conveys emotion very well.

I'm not so sure about your ending. Something about the word 'emptiness' doesn't feel right and it's very important for the end to make a huge impact. I think I don't like that the word has three sylables while the starting word has just two. Perhaps 'abyss' or 'chasm' or there's always 'void' or 'vacuum.'

Hope some of my suggestions helped,

Heather xx

I can totally imagine 'Emptiness' being said in an over-dramatic gasp

Oh, and why is there a rogue apostrophe before "cello"?

Your transition in the middle could be a bit more...erm... yes. It could be a bit more.

Moving on...
Overall, I liked it. Nice imagery, and I think you could touch on some of those images more. Don't fear using metaphors--it could really lend some emotion to these images.

"Oh, and why is there a rogue apostrophe before "cello"?" - lol, read the previous posts.