Witch--Part 3

Kristie sat on her lawn, relaxing. It was about ten in the morning. As she lay down on the grass, it's sweet smell pulling her into a drowsy, unfocused state. And so she stayed for a long time, knowing everything was falling into place. She closed her eyes, but was eventually lured back to reality by a pigeon nearby. "I wonder..." she said, and sat up. Kristie simply watched the pigeon for a long time, before she finally gained a measure of resolve.

She moved her arm slowly towards the pigeon and waited until its beady eyes noticed the movement. She brought her hand back to her face and the pigeon's eyes followed, drawing them to her own. She gathered herself, and mentally blasted the pigeon.

It resisted for a split second, then froze into place. Kristie felt a rush of power sweep her, and she jumped to her feet, giggling giddily. She felt her blood re-animating. Throwing her head back, she wondered at the feeling of it, an almost-pain, and tried to remember the last time she had felt the rush. Kristie realised that it had been before Ray was born.

She looked down at the bird then swung her arm gently, the arc ending over the fence. The bird moved faster than her eye could register, straight into the fence. The bird died, with but one final chirp.

Kristie gasped. She had only meant to free the birds movement, not murder it. She banished the thought with some trouble, and then went inside to eat.

Angie arrived with the two children at around ten past three. The two woman talked together for a while before Angie left, thanking Kristie once more.

Kristie lay in wait, like a leopard waiting for her prey, until her plan could begin. Marty eventually came to her and told her that he was about to walk home.

"You sure?" Kristie said. "I can give you a ride if you want.

"No thanks," Marty said, puffing his chest out. My mum says I'm a big boy now."

Kristie smiled at him. "Of course you are."

Marty walked out the door, his ego showing clearly. Kristie rang Angie to tell her that Marty was on his way home. Just over two minutes after he left, Kristie slipped out the door after him.


Quite a short section, but I thought it stood better on it's own. Crucial too. Thanks for any reviews.

Insanityabounds wrote:Kristie sat on her lawn, relaxing. It was about ten in the morning. As she lay down on the grass, it's sweet smell put her into a drowsy, unfocused state. And so she stayed for a long time, knowing everything was falling into place. She closed her eyes, but was eventually lured back to reality by a pidgeon nearby. "I wonder..." she said, and sat up. Kristie simply observed the pidgeon for a long time, before she finally gained a measure of resolve.[/b]

You don't need the apostraphe there.

That didn't sound right to me, maybe - pulled her into a drowsy, unfocused state.

You've spelt Pigeon wrong

I think you meant watched.

Insanityabounds wrote:She moved her arm slowly towards the pidgeon and waited until it's beady eyes captured it. She brought her hand back to her face and the pidgeon's eyes followed, drawing them to her own. She gathered herself, and mentally blasted the pidgeon.

It would sound better as - until its beady eyes noticed the movement.

You don't need the apostraphe.

Insanityabounds wrote:It recoiled for a split second, then froze into place. Kristie felt a rush of power sweep her, and she jumped to her feet, giggling giddily. She felt her blood re-animating, and she shivered with the sheer intensity of it, throwing her head back. She wondered at the feeling of it, an almost-pain, and tried to remember the last time she had felt the rush. She realised that it had been before Ray was born.

Maybe - It resisted for a split second.

That's very nearly repitition.

Insanityabounds wrote:She looked down at the bird and swung her arm gently, the arc ending over the fence. The bird moved faster than her eye could register, straight into the fence. The bird died, with but one final chirp.

Kristie gasped. She had only meant to free the birds movement, not murder it. She banished the thought with some trouble, and then went inside to eat.

then - would fit that better.

A bad use of repitition.

You don't need the but.

Insanityabounds wrote:Kristie lay in wait, as if a leopard waiting for her prey, until the time her plan could begin. Marty eventually came to her and told her that he was about to walk home.

as if doesn't sound right. Like would be better.

You don't need - the time.

It's a good story. But it's a bit confusing because I haven't read the other bits yet.

~ Shadowsun

Thanks for the crit- and sorry for giving you so many mistakes! Sorry about the pigeon thing. I've always spelt it like here. No idea why.

Anyway, I fixed up all the stuff you said, so thanks. There was a fair bit of it lol. Hope you do read the rest.

-Mat

Interesting, Mr Mat. You've still got some "pidgeons" floating about, but otherwise it's a nice piece of work. =)

Muahahaha. I didn't see this post for ages, but I murdered those pidgeons... joke intended, by the way. I really should put the next part of this up. Oh well. It can wait lol.

Yup everything has already been said that I could have pointed out here. the characters all make much more sense now, and I think you havea rgeat development in the story, you defintaly have a clear path that it's heading somewhere!

Keep it up!

meevs
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