Geezer's Property - #6

Looming out of the water was a magnificent serpent, scales of an eerie dark red glittering in the sun. A translucent crest rested regally on its head, its eyes a deep, brilliant silver that reflected wisdom of eons long forgotten. As if that frightful sight was not enough to chill the blood of those grouped on the shore, there were more, smaller splashes as heads rose out of the water.

They were best described as people, though their skin was a fey, almost cloudy blue, their eyes catching the light and glowing faintly yellow. Gills adorned their throats, as did numerous necklaces of seashells and shark teeth; though there were slits on their face where a human nose would be, allowing them to breath air. What was most startling about them, however, was their ‘hair’. Instead of hair, writhing snakes festooned their skulls, hissing and blinking in the sunlight and making lunging motions toward the shore, baring their yellow fangs.

“Should we run?” gasped Sherman in a strangled whisper, for his mouth had suddenly gone dry.

“No, boy, they can come on land, too!” replied the Geezer, with a commendable attempt to look stern again as he attempted to get down from his higher perch. Leah automatically helped him down, gaping in horror at the approaching mer-people.
What really scared Leah, though, was not the sea-serpent or the undines; it was that the tide was still in when it should have gone out by now.

As the mer-people grew closer to the shore, they began to rise out of the shallow water. They were covered in dull aquamarine scales, though instead of a fishtail, as Rowan had expected to see, they had long, serpentine bodies and snake tails with a small fin at the end. Beautiful spears of pearl and gold rested in their hands and shields of what looked like giant clam shells were mounted upon their scaly arms.

The sea-serpent stayed back, however, surveying them with its ancient eyes, head swinging gently to and fro, as if the snake was the master of the charmer.

A bead of sweat rolled down Sherman’s face, and his knees began to tremble slightly.
Leah wrung her hands, eyes never leaving the softly swaying figures in the water, the freckles that dotted her face standing out so plainly she looked like she was about to faint.
Rowan’s eyes were wide and though he could feel his entire being shivering, he was smiling as if all his dreams had come true, blissfully unaware of his friends’ obvious horror.

Why should he care, when the answer to his dreams, the dreams inspired by Lullaby, gazed at him?

As if in a trance, he began to move towards the water.

A rough hand seized him by the shoulder, jerking him back. The Geezer stared at him, saying in a voice Rowan could not hear, “No, boy! Stay back! They aren’t what you think they are!”

He tore himself away from the Geezer’s grip, glaring at him.

What did the old man know, anyway? How could he possibly begin to understand how much Rowan had longed to see these creatures, to know that they were truly flesh and blood, as he had dreamed about as long as he could remember?


“Rowan,” croaked Leah, also grabbing at his shirt, hand trembling violently. “They’re… they are…the naga!”

“I know that, Leah!” Rowan ripped his shirt out of her grasp, not stopping from his feverish walk to look at her.
He felt some things land on his head, and those things pulling at his hair. Dull pain stabbed at his skull, partially deadened by the haze of enchantment cast by the naga’s presence. He looked up, rather awkwardly, to see the little lizards, Malachai and Seriph, pulling at his hair, beating their wings frantically, trying to pull him back. Their eyes were whirling in a frenzied panic, and they were shrieking with the loosing effort of dragging him towards land.

What seemed to be the head undine, as he was carrying the largest spear and was to the front, spoke in a raspy, chilling voice.

“Lockegeo! Why have you allowed a human child to swim in our cove?”
_______________
No way! I've updated only a few days after #5! Will miracles never cease?
I'm feeling nice since I have a new reviewer! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!! nothing is more encouraging then a new reviewer. At least, to me.
It's getting darker, isn't it? Not just a stupid kiddie dare. I'm really having fun with this story...enjoy!
~Sumi

I promise I will come back to this and critique soon- right now I'm rapidly running out of time to do my Spanish homework. *must restrain, must restrain...*
for now I'll just say this: good work!
bei'theh!

~sworddance

Gerjibarrr!!! Not the first post, agarrr, but still, the first review!

"What really scared Leah, though, was not the sea-serpent or the undines; it was that the tide was still in when it should have gone out by now." - no offence, but I thought "Wow! That is so terrifying!". But seriously, you might consider not making her think it's so scary, because to the reader, it's not.

"they were shrieking with the loosing effort of dragging him towards land." - "loosing"? I don't get what you mean here.

It is indeed getting darker, although it did begin as a more casual piece. You might not want to get too carried away because you could find yourself with far too much to write. It may be a little early but don't let the strands of the story get out of control, keep them together.

It's going fine, the description in this section was especially brilliant, very vivid. However, it was almost too heavy, nearly purple prose. You haven't done so so far but I warn you not to overdo it.

Keep it coming, still no breaks.

Shoot! Really? I almost purpled?
Dang. XD That's the first time I've done that, except when describing stuff in NaNo (but then, everything in there is PP, anyhoo, so it doesn't count...).
When describing magical creatures I have the unhealthy tendency to write until the picture in my head is on paper...which is not always a good thing....
And don't worry, I won't get carried away. A major plot device has yet to be introduced. UHDUHDUHDUN!! and lightning effects::mrgreen:

Thanks for reviewing! You too, sword dance, though I want to know what you're thinking besides "good work!"

~Sumi

Ok, ok, I'm here. Sorry 'bout that. I studied it out so I can give you a useful review; forgive me if I go too long, because I have a tendency to do that, I notice.
First off, it is darker, and quite the interesting event. I want to see the explanation of these creatures- why are they here, how can they be there, how do they fit into the modern day setting? What are they gonna do? Hurry up and write the next part!

>.<
*angry face*

Anyway..... Typo-wise, only one thing, I think: 'loosing'--> 'losing'

The issues I see in here are in making the reader see what you want them to see, and feel what you want them to feel. I think I can give you a good review on how to reword certain parts so you accomplish that. If it seems like I'm just doing conventions editing, I'm not, I promise. This'll help your flow and clarity

Now, in some ways, some of what I give you for review will seem nit-picky, so feel free to roll your eyes and ignore me if don't care for it, but I find nit-picking greatly improves my own writing. But then, I'm a bit of a perfectionist...

So.

"scales of an eerie dark red" -->Generic- ‘dark red’ is too flat, and arrangement would fit better if tweaked. Eerie crimson? Dark crimson, if you like, but something more specific than dark red, and if you keep three words I’d say “dark, eerie crimson” or something.

"A translucent crest rested regally on its head, its eyes a deep, brilliant silver that reflected wisdom of eons long forgotten."
-->This doesn’t instill a sense of fright, which I think is what you’re going for. We'd get more… awe, I guess, but not the sort of awe you’d want. These are positive qualities; regality, depth, and wisdom are things we’d attribute to, say the Elrond or Gandalf figure, or the role of the adviser/oracle.

"there were more, smaller splashes as heads rose out of the water."
-->This is awkward; perhaps it’s because of the divisions, but the description of there being ‘more, smaller splashes’ seems out of place, because we haven’t seen much of the splashes in a while. Plus the phrase is a bit flat, especially placed after the elaborate descriptions. Problem is, the way it is now we can easily miss the importance in the action, possibly because we don’t get the verbs until they’re tacked on at the end.

"They were best described as people, though their skin was a fey, almost cloudy blue, their eyes catching the light and glowing faintly yellow. Gills adorned their throats, as did numerous necklaces of seashells and shark teeth; though there were slits on their face where a human nose would be, allowing them to breath air. What was most startling about them, however, was their ‘hair’. Instead of hair, writhing snakes festooned their skulls, hissing and blinking in the sunlight and making lunging motions toward the shore, baring their yellow fangs."
-->A couple things: I echo the earlier sentiment of too much description. We forget they’re moving when we read all that.
The second sentence is also awkward, and I didn’t understand the ‘though’ until I read it over a couple times; the semicolon shouldn’t be there at all. The third and fourth sentences are awkward. I think in this case you need a definite ‘show not tell’ sequence, some sort of action involved. 'Leah gave a frightened squeak as she realized that what she'd thought was hair was actually...'
And 'festooned' means decorated, as with garlands, like a Christmas tree. New verb please!

'“Should we run?” gasped Sherman in a strangled whisper...'
-->‘gasped in a strangled whisper’; I don’t think gasp and whisper are really compatible verbs, although I do understand what sort of voice you’re trying to show. You want like "whispered Sherman, forcing the words through a throat suddenly gone dry."
..or something like that.

"Leah automatically helped him down, gaping in horror at the approaching mer-people."
-->“gaping”- when I picture gaping I picture riveted in place, unable to do anything but stare; I also have a hard time picturing anyone gaping, motionless or not, while ‘automatically’ helping someone down. Perhaps say that she helped him, but that her hand was shaking and she couldn’t keep her eyes off the creatures, or something…

"What really scared Leah, though, was not the sea-serpent or the undines; it was that the tide was still in when it should have gone out by now."
-->Actually, contrary to what Ofour said, I like this. It gives a bit about her character, that she would notice something like that while everyone else was hung up on the naga, and that she would realize that it was out of place and that it would affect her. You might, however, reword it a bit, so we understand the significance of it. Emphasize that her mind and eyes were on the unnatural level of the water. And tell us why she notices it. Is she noticing it in a moment of terrified panic, or is she the sort who can handle anything thrown at her, but when nature acts against its norm, it throws her? Let us know; take a word or phrase to tell us.

"head swinging gently to and fro" --> 'gently'; no menace. I vote 'hypnotically.'

"eyes never leaving the softly swaying figures in the water"-->'softly swaying figures'; again, not terribly menacing.

"the freckles that dotted her face standing out so plainly she looked like she was about to faint."
-->Love this! Just one thing: ‘that’ she looked like she was about to faint.

"The Geezer stared at him, saying in a voice Rowan could not hear..."
-->This is awkward; you say it as though it’s from Rowan’s view as a listener, but yet you say he can’t hear it.

"He tore himself away from the Geezer’s grip, glaring at him.
"What did the old man know, anyway?"
-->...Plus he certainly reacts to it as though he heard it.

"What seemed to be the head undine..."
--> 'undine'; this is confusing me… I thought they were naga, and the undines were the little ones which we met first?

“Lockegeo! Why have you allowed a human child to swim in our cove?”
-->Beautiful! I love this; perfect way to end a section, and packing both info and characterization… And a name for the Geezer!

Ok, so, now that I've gone on for flippin' forever in your thread....
Don't look at all this as a bad sign, by the way. Usually, the more I go on, the more interested I am in the piece! ...unless it's absolutely perfect and I can think of nothing to say, not even typos. Guess how often that happens....

So, I'm loving it. *ba-da-ba-ba-baaaa....*
Enter the McDonald's jingle, that thrice-cursed &*%#@%&&..... *subsides into dark muttering...*

Lockegeo... I like that name!

Sorry. Anyways, good luck, and post the next one so I can read it! ....or else.....

*draws sword, lifting an eyebrow meaningfully.*

ahem...
bei'theh!

~sworddance

Sworddance has dun most of the critiquing, so there's nothing left for me to do, 'cept say that this was another good chapter - with one exception.

It's what Ofour said about the purple prose. The description of the creatures at the beginning is very flowery and almost archaic, and that tends to put me off. Christopher Paolini does that sometimes, and it just doesn't work for me when I'm reading a story. If it's a character telling a story that's really ancient and important and sacred and all, then purple prose is alright, but it's out of place in a normal piece of writing.

So . . . apart from that: good! Very good! I like your style of writing - it's very easy to read, and I like your characters, which is very important.

-Twit

Okay, so it's beginning to get me more...and I've realized why it wasn't before...

Genre-Skipping:
Have you ever noticed that this is in the 'other fiction' section? Well, of course you have, you posted it. But what is your story really? Reading it, what would a publisher really print this as? Fantasy.
Fantasy doesn't always mean dragons and unicorns and other worlds. Magic and unbelievable quests. No. Fantasy is anything out of reality. Something that could never happen in real life.

Now, why didn't this get to me before? Well, I was confused. What was this. Also, I've gotten out of fantasy...it got too cliched, which is why I like this, I've never seen anything like it. Keep up the good work =D

JC