Ace of Threes

<3
HUGE heart on the French correction, amiga!
Thanks so much for that; I know absolutely nothing about French, because I'm taking Spanish. See, Sil is partially based on a friend of mine, and that friend is taking French, and it's from her that I learned that phrase since she said it all the time, though, as you can see, I had no idea how to spell it.
I'll fix that right away. Also, I find myself agreeing with the 'said' thing, so I think I'll fix that too.

Thanks so much for the crit

wow!! i'm new to the YWS but this was awesome!!

You are truely a very good writter!

*blush*
thanks, icyhot. aheh....
hey, welcome, by the way. I notice you only have one post- this one? You should do a welcome thread so we can all welcome you in properly

Btw all, I have a sequel to this which I'm working on, so I'll post it soon. Thanks again for the crits

Ace of Threes

Some say that Fate governs our lives. Others say that it’s God. I don’t believe in either. Maybe it would be easier if I did. I could use some devout belief to give me a direction, a narrower scope in which to base myself.

I know there are a lot of people out there who wouldn’t thank me for that statement; maybe it’s a little cynical, but I’ve found that when a person believes in one thing devoutly, their minds don’t have to and don’t want to consider all the other angles, all the circumstances, and all the what-ifs.

Ever notice how the number three seems to show up everywhere? Three Fates- Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos; three aspects of the holy Trinity- God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost; three Sorrows- Starvation, Sickness, and Slaughter. Three people were in the room. There were three chances to end it. Three tries. Three strikes.

Three seconds.

I should go.

-Kath

She stood and walked away from her desk, then walked back to close the journal in its drawerSounds awkward and would probably be better if it read "place the journal in its drawer". She didn’t bother locking it; no one went into her room for anything since it happened. She left her room, closing the door behind her, and went up the steps to plunk herself down on the couch beside her dog, picking up the controller to the Playstation 2 it's rather wordy...try just "the Playstation 2 controller" and stretching out a leg to push the power button with her the tip of her toe just "the tip of her toe". Once immersed in the game, she slowly relaxed, losing what she’d been thinking about earlier to lame an "Americanism" that detracts credibility from the story and personal hate of mine..you could have tried something imaginative like "mind numbing special effects and elaborate storylines." special effects and an over-dramatized storyline.

The phone rang; pausing the game, she reached around behind herself with her left hand and felt for the phone saying "the phone" so often within two sentences tends to make the story sound boring and this case is no exception. Change "for the phone" to "around for it"...it's a very small change but suprisingly important., glancing at the number on the screen before answering it with a short, “’Sup?”

“Hey Kath, you doing anything?” the voice of one of her two best friends asked.

“Nope.” She glanced at the TV screen. “Just playing a game.”

“Cool. Mind if I come over? I’ll run to the store and get some ice cream. What kind you want?”

Kath grinned. “Anything with chocolate, Sil, you know that. Hey, grab some mountain dew while you’re there, I’ll pay you back.”

“No problem. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Cool. Later.”

“Bye.”

She reached back and hung the phone up, kicking open the movie cabinet with her outstretched toe to glance over them, thinking briefly about which one they should watch. She shrugged and went back to her game; her friend could pick.

She arrived at the promised fifteen minutes, heralded by the excited barking of the dog, and let herself in to put the bags on the table before flopping down on the other couch.

“What, you’re not gonna get me a dew?” Kath asked with mock indignation.

Sil tossed a cushion at her. “Get it yourself. I wanna pick a movie.”

Kath sighed dramatically and got up, grabbing two sodas, one of which she handed to Sil and the other of which she popped open with a satisfying fizz. “Find anything?” she asked, looking over her friend’s shoulder from her vantage point back on the couch, controller in hand.

“You have too many movies,” Sil grumbled. “And way too many that I haven’t seen.”

“Well, keep looking then, so I can find a save point.”

Sil drew back from the cabinet and asked, “Want some ice cream while I look?”

“Love it "some" reads better.”

She went to the table and drew out the pints of Ben & Jerry’s she’d bought and a couple of spoons, lobbing one of the pints toward her friend. “Catch.”

Alarmed, Kath looked over and shot her right hand out to catch it, hiding a wince when the extra weight connected; she set it quickly down on the table and put her hand back on the controller to hide her actions, but Sil knew her friend too well.

“I saw that,” she said quietly. “Is it hurting again?”

Kath’s gaze remained fixed on the screen. “…A little,” she muttered finally. “It usually does after I write for a long time, and if I try to catch with that arm.”

Sil sat down on the other couch again, looking at the scar which ran across her friend’s shoulder.

“It just pulls, that’s all,” Kath said, reaching her other hand across to pass her fingers over it.

Sil went silent, staring at the ground, then suddenly gave a grim chuckle and recited, “‘Three things never anger /or you’ll not live for long, /a wolf with cubs, /a man with power, /and a woman’s sense of wrong.’ …Mercedes Lackey; Threes. I’d like to carve it on his tombstone.”

Kath chuckled bitterly. “Thanks, Sil.”

“Always.”

OK my honest opinion...I don't see where this is going but you're commiting on bit no-no already..

A lot of young American writers think that it's perfectly fine to write about every day life and it'll set a scene. It may well do, but nobody gives a crap! It isn't interesting because it is every day life...everyone experiences it and while I feel people do this to try and connect with the reader, it just doesn't work. It bores them. So thats one huge failure and one huge clichè,
avoid it where possible.


Also I'm noticing that nothing is actually happening, I understand this to be a first instalment in a series of posts to bring the story together but you've broken a golden rule of first posts: You haven't hooked me!

You haven't given a big enough hint as to something interesting happening later on, it just seems like two people playing on the ps2 and not going to have anything exciting happen so I don't want to read more. Try and add something to show more exciting things will get going soon cause just a scar and a mysterious poem thing won't hook people!!

That aside you also need to check on repeating words (like the phone thing I mentioned above) and also check on too many "Americanisms" that, while authentic to your characters, put lots of serious readers off.

Glad to note you understand all the writing elementaries such as gramma, punctuation and paragraphing, as you'd be amazed at how many people don't have a clue!!

Keep at it and think about what I've said,
Ducks.



...Now THAT is a TW crit!

Heh, thanks for the crit, man. I asked for it

I fixed the 'her the tip' typo- thanks for the catch on that; I turned this one in for a correspondence course, so I was beating my head against the desk when I read that. I hate it with a passion when I find shiz like that still in my stories, especially after I've let someone read it. Some of the things you said I disagree with, like the "americanism" comment and the 'love it vs some' thing, but I'll digest them. Sometimes when I initially disagree, I find myself agreeing on a second look.
Many of the questions raised are stylistic, but like I said, we'll see. Thanks

I just have one question- did you read it all through, or just the first post? The rest of the story is in this thread also. I didn't split it up, mostly because it was too short a story to be worth it and because I didn't arrange the story with posting in mind, so to separate them would only have exacerbated the problem with hooks in first posts and shiz...

I'll understand if you just weren't interested enough to continue.
rofl anyway, thanks again!

~sworddance

Oooh finally someone with intelligent questions on a crit and not just a "f**k you ducks, you know nothing!"

I say for the "love it vs some" as ice cream isn't an it...it's a some...it's just the way it's said!

And yes I think its a difference in styles that was the main critisism I had, but it can't be helped, it will work for some it won't for others and that's writing for you..

And no I haven't read the rest for the exact reason I pointed out, the first post just doesn't compell me to. It doesnt grab me and say THIS WILL BE WORTH READING *slaps me in face* HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT CLOSING THE WINDOW!

If you get what I mean, I'd seriously think about that and take a look at how you could work on it because it was my biggest problem with the story...it was well written, had fluency, nothing unrealistic went on and it was all in all a solid piece, it just wasn't INTERESTING and that's what it has to be!

Hope this cleared some things up?

hehehehe so it's a question of taste, is it?
What interests some doesn't always interest others... I agree, that's writing for you. That's the thing about online posting; some will love it, some will hate it.
Win some, lose some.
Again, thanks.
As to the f**k you, ducks, you won't get that from me, but you may get some debate over your crit, as you may have noticed. I don't do it to be a pain or to be stubborn, but I honestly do like to have people expand on what they tell me and stick up for their points, because if it can be argued successfully, it's probably worth using!
But I'll take note of that; next time I want you to crit something, I'll write at the top of it, "THIS WILL BE WORTH READING *slaps duck in face* HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT CLOSING THE WINDOW! BLAGGARD!"

would that help?

hehehe you've spent time on mine, so I'll crit yours for you once I finish with the one I'm working on now.

Thanks once more

~sworddance

Hehe don't worry bout it, I love a good writing discussion, it's the best way to learn!!

And thanks for the offer to crit mine, I don't think I'm getting much response really...

and finally


O M G YOU SAY BLAGGARD?! YOU'RE THE COOLEST

This was so exciting. But don't tell me it's the end? There's still so much more I think you could write! Will Jessica back down? Will the police come and so on? It's great and your writing is so... suspensfull (yes, I do know that's not a word, but I can't come up with anything else!)