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I came up with this a few days ago. What do you all think of it?

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Cover. Aim. Fire. A sharp crack echoed through the trees. One of the men in the Chinese column fell to the ground. Move on. The figure in the thick jungle terrain sprinted towards its next vantage point. It knelt behind a large rock, sighted down the scope on its sniper rifle. Another crack. Another man collapsed clutching his bloodied throat. The figure was moving long before the man hit the ground.

“Lieutenant?” A voice crackled over the radio. “Report.”

“The Chinese are advancing sir. They’ve suffered casualties and are now moving at a slow pace.” Second Lieutenant James West reported.

“Good, we still need some time to lay the charges.” The voice replied.

“I’ll keep them busy sir.”

“We need 5 minutes.”

“Yes sir.”

The radio fell silent.

Lieutenant West raised the sniper rifle to his shoulder. Aimed at an officer, who was trying to regroup the men. Another crack. The lieutenant ran towards the bend in the dirt road. The Chinese were just round the corner. Silently, he reached into his pack and brought out two claymores.

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So what do you think?

~ Shadowsun

What do I think? A lot better than your other works. This shows how far you've come as a writer since you wrote your first few posts. This is brilliant.
Just a few points:

Cover. Aim. Fire. A load crack sounded out.

1. I like the first sentence, it's so short it drags you into the rest of the story.
2. load = loud . Also, I'm not sure if I like the second sentence as much as the first. I don't particularly like the 'sounded out bit. Perhaps something like: A sharp crack echoed through the thick jungle.

Another crack sounded out. Another man fell to the ground.

Good use of repetition.

One of the men in the Chinese column fell to the ground. Move on. The figure in the thick jungle terrain sprinted towards its next vantage point. It knelt behind a large rock, sighted down the scope on its sniper rifle. Another crack sounded out. Another man fell to the ground.

And not particularly good repetition. They don't all die in exactly the same way so impress me with some better vocab.

“Lieutenant.” A voice crackled over the radio. “Report."

I think you want a question mark there. The voice is enquiring whether the Lieutenent can hear him or not so I think it would be a question.

He fired. Another crack.

You only need one of the two short sentences. I personally like the second the most and you could say: Another crack rang out.

The officer dropped to the ground.

We don't have to be told that every man he shoots at dies. If you just give us him firing and then moving then we can guess what happens and that can sometimes make it stronger.

Silently, he reached into his pack, and brought out two claymores.

Two claymores! Uh-oh! Just get rid of the stray comma and your last sentence will be perfect.


To sum it up? It's great. I love the change and the way your writing has progressed so much. Your sniper in the field seems like a good solid hero man and I'm interested to learn more about him and why he's covering for some people that are laying charges. You've left a lot of unanswered questions and that's great. I hope to read more.

DarkLight

Thanks DarkLight

Heres part 2:

He placed them on opposite sides of the road, where no one would notice them. He then ran towards the treeline and crouched down behind a shrub. He waited, patiently for the Chinese to round the corner.

A few mometnts later he could hear the rumble of the Chinese tanks and the thud of Chinese boots stiking the ground.

Thanks DarkLight

Heres part 2:

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He placed them on opposite sides of the road, where no one would notice them. Then ran towards the treeline and crouched down behind a shrub. He waited patiently for the Chinese to round the corner.

A few moments later he could hear the rumble of the Chinese tanks and the thud of Chinese boots striking the ground. The column slowly marched around the corner.

The lieutenant could see every man's eyes darting left and right, fearful of the sniper. The first ranks passed the claymores.

He waited.

The second ranks passed them.

Still, he waited.

The third ranks passed.

All hell broke lose.

The claymores fired. Thousands of small, metal balls were shot into the middle of the Chinese infantry. Men screamed and fell to the ground. Some moaned in pain, others begged for medics. Blood was splattered alll over the dirt road and the green uniforms that the Chinese wore.

The lieutenant paused for a second and stared out at the Chinese. He pityed them. Then he turned and vanished into the jungle, leaving the Chinese column frozen in shock. Everything was silent for a moment.

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Hows the second part?
~ Shadowsun

Hmmm, stories of modern warfare. I don't work with these often, but this one caught my interest.
The style, with the short, choppy sentences, is intriguing; it gives it a very furtive, dark sort of feel. Well done.
There are a couple conventions errors:

"...where no one would notice them. Then ran towards..."
This needs to be one sentence- a comma, not a period; the second sentence is a fragment right now, and one that doesn't help your tone so much as arrest it.

"few mometnts later"-->moments

..."the green uniform that the Chinese wore." -->uniforms. I think you meant plural.

"...every mans eyes darting left..."---> man's

"He waited, patiently"--> He waited patiently. No comma.

That's it for those, I think. This last bugs me for some reason, though...

"The lieutenant paused for a second and stared out at the Chinese. He pityed them. Then he turned and ran, leaving the Chinese column frozen in shock. The jungle was silent for a moment. "

It's unclear... why should he pity them, and why did he randomly run? Might help if you said, "For a brief moment, he pitied them; then he turned from them and vanished from sight...." Or some such more specific wording.
Also, the frozen in shock thing is a little vague... I thought they were all bloodied and dying? Perhaps reword...?

There's one other thing I'd like to mention. The effect of your style here is good, but I think it would help if you separated many of them into different paragraphs, because it makes it both more choppy and more isolated, letting it stand out. An example of how I'd do it is this:

"A few moments later he could hear the rumble of the Chinese tanks and the thud of Chinese boots striking the ground; the column slowly marched around the corner.

The lieutenant could see every man's eyes darting left and right, fearful of the sniper. The first ranks passed the claymores.

He waited.

The second ranks passed them.

Still, he waited.

The third ranks passed.

All hell broke lose."

About that last sentence, also. You can see I changed it; that's another suggestion I have. It stands alone better there; even if you don't want to break up all the rest, you need to have that one sentence be its standalone, which brings the attention on something as big as that. I got rid of the "he let" because I feel we already know that he's going to be the one causing it, so telling us that simply distracts from what you want to say.

Alright, so, I like this. I'll look for it later. The tone of it, as I said, is intriguing; again, I don't often look at modern warfare stories, but heck, I'll devour anything so long as it's well written! Also, I'm curious as to where this is going, and what's going to happen next... good intro to a story!
bei'theh

~sworddance

Part 3:

Thanks sworddance I hope you all like the third part just as much.

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The lieutenant ran. He jumped over a stream and carried on running. His mind was filled with images of suffering and pain. Things that he had done. The army had trained him to be a killer. The SAS had accepted him as a killer. That's all he was. A killer. A murderer. He approached a bridge.

"Lieutenant?"

He stopped and looked for the source of the voice.

"Good. You made it." The Captain stepped out from his hiding place behind a tree. "The charges are set. We are free to move out."

They crossed the bridge. The Captain was a tall man, roughly six feet tall. He had blue eyes and brown hair. He was a merciless killer, like everyone else in the SAS, but he was kind and compassionate and was like a father to James.

The rest of the team materialized behind them. The Captain nodded and one of them, Chris Williams, brought a small black box out his pocket. He flicked a switch. The bridge exploded and a massive ball of fire rose up into the air, scattering pieces of wood everywhere.

"Mission accomplished people. We can go home." The Captain congratulated them.

James paid no attention to him. He still felt guilty for what he'd done, he smiled. He had a conscience after all.

After five years of warfare, he still had a conscience.


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~ Shadowsun

hey- glad to see I was useful

I like this part; your main character is human *gasp* not a psychotic killer!
...meet one of the reasons why I don't often like war stories; too often young writers are all about the scenes of violent death and there's no way to relate to the character. Very good.
A couple typos:
"kind and compasionate" --> compassionate
"rest of the team materialised" --> materialized
"The Captain nodded adn one of them"--> and

Pretty sound piece, though. One part that bugs me is this:

"He still felt guilty. He smiled. He had a conscience after all."

All three of those sentences begin with 'he.' It's repetitive; try collapsing them into two or maybe even one sentence, with more emphasis on the transition with how he's feeling. Maybe...
"He still felt guilty, for what he'd done; realizing this, he smiled. He had a conscience after all...."

The only other thing is that I'd recommend putting your last sentence- "After five years of warfare, he still had a conscience"- as its own paragraph; that way, it gets emphasized.

But all in all, I liked this one. He's *gasp* human!
Eh, I'm being unfair to the genre. I read and liked Catch-22, if you've ever heard of it, and Tim O'brien's books Going After Cacciato and The Things They Carried.
But anyway, good work! I'll look for the next one when it comes out
bei'theh!

~sworddance

Part 4:

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They moved silently through the jungle. There was always a need for concealment. Everyone froze as a voice crackled over the radio. “Alpha, this is Bravo. We need assistance. We're under heavy fire. Repeat. We're under heavy fire. Request immediate assistance.”

The Captain came onto the radio. “Bravo, this is Alpha. We're en-route. What's your position?”

“Alpha, we're at a small town a couple of miles away from the brdge..”

“We’ll be right there.”

They started to run. They raced through the trees towards the town; James jumped over an old, rotting log then sprinted up a slope. He lay down when he reached the top and began to sweep his sniper rifle across the town. The others had entered the town and were now moving down the main road. The buildings were all ruined. Doorways stood empty, walls crumbled and roofs had collapsed.

He was about to move on when he saw it. A flash, a glimmer of light. There was another sniper out there. The lieutenant sighted down the rifle. There, he saw it again. A brief flash. He aimed at its source, behind one of the ruined walls. He fired. The other sniper screamed.

The lieutenant ran to his next vantage point. He knelt and looked for a new target. A twig snapped and the lieutenant turned and drew his knife in one smooth motion. The lieutenant slung the sniper rifle across his back, then disappeared into the jungle.

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~ Shadowsun

Omg, I just realized I'd never posted a review for this!
...sry
I usually try not to loose track of threads, but somehow I lost this one.

Anyway. Well, more action now, and the plot moved us along nicely into whatever is happening next, and I'd like to find out what happens after this, and how this encounter will turn out.

Just a couple things I noticed:

"The Captain came onto the radio. “Bravo, this is Alpha. We are en-route. What is your position?”

“Alpha we are at a small town two miles away from your position.”"

-->people speak in more contractions than this... "we're" and "what's" flow better on the tongue and sound more natural. Also, since he's addressing him as Alpha, there should be a comma- "Alpha, we're at..."

Besides that, the first speaker asks Bravo where he's at, but Bravo knows right away where Alpha is, and Alpha has been moving this whole time. That doesn't make sense. Give a better reference point, two miles from the town, or two miles from recon point.

"He was about to move on when he saw it. A flash, a glimmer of light. There was another sniper out there. The lieutenant sighted down the rifle. There, he saw it again. A brief flash. He aimed at its source, behind one of the ruined walls. He fired. The other sniper screamed."

Like I mentioned in the first post, I think it would help if places like these were broken into new paragraphs with transitions in action. It helps suspense and brings the leader along better.

Hmm, I think that's all I see right now for that one. Again, sorry it took me so long to see this... Keep it up, and pm me if you want when you get the next up.
bei'theh!

~sworddance

well, i don't read many war stories, but i'll try to be helpful.
I really like the rhythm of your writing. It is abrupt and to-the-point and doesn't delay the action with any unnecessary description or anything like that. The fighting is realistic (to me, at least, but i don't know much) and i really like how the main character is still human, even if he won't admit it to anyone
I'm not really that great at noticing typos or grammer, but i did notice this:
"We are under heavy fire. Repeat. We are under heavy."
Once again, I don't know much about warfare or its lingo but shouldn't it be:
"Repeat, we are under heavy fire"?
This is a minor suggestion, but if you want to target a wider audience, you might want to explain a little bit about tactics or weaponry in your story (I don't know what a clamore is ) This would help attract readers who don't know much about warfare (like me!) However, it is a balancing act. You wouldn't want to slow down the pace of the story with a lot of explanations. This is just a suggestion. If you only want an audience of war-saavy people (that's a lousy descriptor, but i can't think of a better on right now ), than thats fine as well.
Anyways, great work. It's a great plot and keeps the reader hooked. Keep it up!

Hi Shadowsun. Firstly, I adore the style. I will often employ the use of short sentences/fragments to create tension. Kudos.

In modern military fiction, it is difficult to be innovative. Most of us have to rely on television or other books we've read ourselves. Basically, the media. When we rely on these sources, then our writing also tends to come of as Hollywood-ish. Now this can be both good and bad. Good in the sense that this style can be popular and has already been proven to be effective for several audiences. But it can also be bad as it leaves many with a bad taste in their mouths. I would suggest reading non-fiction to get a better picture of military life. And if all else fails, read some Tom Clancy. ^_^ He tries to be accurate enough as he is ex-military.

Your story sort of drags on-- I feel like I am just going with the flow, not really doing anything. It feels like you don't have a real idea of what you want to do with this story. I'm with one character, then another, then another. Too much introducing in too little space. Stick with one guy and finish a chapter. I would try to stick with this limited third POV throughout.

I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have. Your technique and style of writing is improving. I just think you need to start working on plot now and what you want your story to be about.