Melody - Part 1 Crits Needed!!!!

This is just a short story i decided to write whenever I get the time...I hope you enjoy it!

Melody pt. 1

If it weren't for the sheer joy that I'd just rented my first one bedroom apartment all by myself, I would have cried when I observed just how many boxes of stuff I had to unpack. They were stacked like sand dunes, small to large and small again up against the sea breeze blue walls I painted a week before arriving here. Though I loved the thought of my own little haven filled with my trinkets and treasures, they mocked my laziness thoroughly. "Not bad for a 23 year old all the way from the Philippines!" I thought, giving myself a little pat on the back for fulfilling my dream of coming to the states.

After hours of strategic unpacking and cleaning, I stood back and proudly marveled at my decorating skills. The place was small but reminiscent of home from the antique sea foam and beige accented furniture down to the elegantly luxurious curtains, lily arrangements and assorted Asian wall furnishings. “It even smells like home” I thought, filling my lungs with the aroma of banana pancake candles burning on the coffee table.

Following the disposal of empty boxes, I decided I’d reward myself with a steaming hot bubble bath to wash away the tension in my screaming muscles and ease the awkwardness of spending your first night in a new home. My body immediately thanked me as I stretched my long sienna legs over the side of the porcelain tub and gingerly fingered a handful of strawberry rose scented snow through my auburn curls.

Just as the warmth of the water set in my bones, the silence in the room grew louder. For some reason, I hated pure silence; it seemed to be so much thicker noise. Wishing I’d remembered to bring my Ipod, I instead listened to the soft thump of my heartbeat against my chest. Thump, thump…thump, thump…thump, thump.

Like a drum it was, causing my body to gently sway to the rhythm. With that, a single guitar chord sliced through the air. It joined in with the beating of my heart and splashes; seemingly playing a song for me…In any other situation, I would have been annoyed by the way the tune filled the room, but curiously, I listened to the beautiful tune. Not too loud, and not to soft, the notes seemed to caress me…By that time, where they came from was of no concern, just that whoever it was kept playing. Strangely familiar, though I’ve never heard anything quite like it before, I clung to the notes, attempting to enjoy their grace without drifting away. Leisurely my eyelids blanketed my eyes, and within minutes the tub spout reflected me sleeping like a baby with one arm nestled under my cheek.
***

This is extremely well written, and I couldn't find any grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes or spelling errors.

One thing...the paragraph where she stretches out her sienna legs and talks about her auburn curls...er, ahem...but it seems a little arrogant and cocky for a story told in first-person form. When you are staring at yourself in a mirror, usually you don't complement yourself on 'auburn hair' and 'long sienna legs.' Usually self-complements are a little more down to earth, like 'my stomach isn't as bulgy as it used to be.' See what I mean?

Or, if you happen to think in poetry, forgive me for mentioning it. I was reading along, and I read that paragraph, and I thought: okay, that's prideful. If you're just trying to describe her looks, I think you could find a better way to do it.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed it.
Yours I remain,

Hi azure,

I found this filled with nothing but purple prose. Adjectives can sometimes be your enemy when you use too many of them. I think that is the case here.

Also, there is no conflict, so therefore nothing to bring in the reader. While it may be sentimental to you, we are left to boredom. All you have is description, so readers will find it difficult to continue reading.

My best advice would be to add something to the story that makes the character not so self-absorbed.

Hey Azure; I think I can help you out here with the problems the other two raised, and give you a bit of standard conventions editing also. first of all, I disagree with what Trident said, in that it's 'nothing but purple prose'; it's more than that, and I think you can work with it. I see where he's coming from, but it's kind of a stylistic difference.

Anyway, there are a couple things conventions-wise that stick out to me. One is where certain adjectives run too long, with adverbs modifying an adjective which need to be... combined, I guess you could say, with a hyphen. I'll list them for you:

"one bedroom" --> "one-bedroom"

"sea breeze blue" --> "sea-breeze blue"

"sea foam and beige accented" --> "sea-foam and beige-accented", though that one's tricky and can go a couple ways

"banana pancake" --> "banana-pancake"

"strawberry rose scented " --> "strawberry-rose scented" or "strawberry rose-scented"

So, that should be all of those. In truth, that's up to you, since I don't think I can quite argue that it's set in concrete conventions, but I'd strongly recommend it.
Also, there were a couple issues with commas.

"the place was small but reminiscent of home from the" --> "the place was small, but reminiscent of home, from the"

"'it even smells like home' I thought" --> "'home,' I thought"

And one semicolon issue:

"beating of my heat and splashes; seeming to" --> change semicolon to comma


Ok, so, I think that was all I noticed conventions-wise. There were a few little things that I picked out that would improve the flow of some spots, and the effect of the actions and such. One is where you have the "thump, thump" sequence. I like it; it brings the story closer to the senses of the reader. But, I think it should end with an ellipses, a "....", because the period just arrests the sound and interrupts its lasting, other-level feeling.

Another is where you say she "gingerly" fingered the snow through her hair. Gingerly implies careful as though afraid, and I'm not sure that's what you're looking for.

Also where you say "it seemed to be so much thicker noise". That's a little too vague for me, unclear as to what you mean; “thicker THAN noise,” or it seemed to just be a sort of thick noise? In which case, it would work better if it was “to me, it had always seemed to just be a sort of thick noise”

"Just as the warmth of the water set"; I think you should get rid of the "just," because it seems like you're going to introduce an immediate action more jarring than silence setting in a room.

"Following the disposal of empty boxes"; I think it needs a "the", "following the disposal of THE empty boxes".

"small to large and small again"; try "and back down to small again".

"walls I painted"; "I'd"

"they mocked my laziness thoroughly"; this one's interesting. I get it, but I think it's too vague, a little weak. It needs fleshing out. Try “the ugly cardboard boxes currently just stood as a mocking testament to my laziness,” or some such as that.

"“Not bad for a 23 year old all the way from the Philippines!” I thought, giving myself a little pat on the back for fulfilling my dream of coming to the states."
This one also is difficult. Two problems: one, I don’t like the “” for thoughts, because it seems like speech. Try just italicizing thought, and leave off the quotation marks. But that is a purely stylistic opinion. Also, that’s a rather unnatural thought. If you want it, and I see why you need it, try making the tag fit the thought. Perhaps she might think it with satisfaction...? Whatever the case, I feel like that quote and the message conveyed in it needs to be better integrated into the piece as a whole.

One last thing, since I've been monopolizing your thread for way too long.

"Like a drum it was, causing my body to gently sway to the rhythm. With that, a single guitar chord sliced through the air. It joined in with the beating of my heart and splashes; seemingly playing a song for me…"

This is a beautiful idea, and I get what you're saying and love it, but I think it's too passive, and easy to miss the flow of events as being significant. Try working with this whole phrase as one. "...causing my body to gently sway to the rhythm, and as the water around me ebbed and flowed with the tide of unconscious movement, the strum of a guitar chord floated to my ears; it found the rhythm of my heartbeat and the gentle splashes of the current, seemingly playing a song for me..."

...Again, or something like that...
rofl
Look at that, you're evoking some serious imagery in the way you've written it as a whole, as evidenced by what I got from your clip heheheh

And now that I've given you the critique, I get to give you the praise, right?

I really like the way you write, if this is any sample. It's poetic; that's good or bad, depending on who you talk to, but that's a personal taste in reading, and I, personally, love poetic works. Some people can't stand it; I'm not one of them. People who can write successfully in this style are high on my list of readable and enjoyable. Congrats!

Also, you've evoked the feeling of peace and luxury really well, in that last paragraph. Well done. Me gusta. Oh, and the other thing is, we get a look at her personality in this segment, in her private thoughts. We see her as she is alone; that gives us something different from what we'd get if we saw her with others as our first introduction of her, and that was well done, too, I think, since what we see here will build what we get later.

Umm. I think that's all I wanted to say on this... *scrolls up to look at length of post...*
dang it. I'm really bad about short and sweet, you know?

/sigh

feel free to smack me upside the head. Anyway, nice job, pm me about this if you want.


I'd like to see more of this, like where the guitar is coming from. You've made me curious....

~sworddance

Following the disposal of empty boxes, I decided I’d reward myself with a steaming hot bubble bath to wash away the tension in my screaming muscles and ease the awkwardness of spending your first night in a new home

You went from saying 'I' to 'your' which is very awkward. You might find it works better making the your a my. =D

Like a drum it was, causing my body to gently sway to the rhythm

Take out the comma, it creates odd wording.

Suggestions:

In the last paragraph both times you did the ... thing (I forgot what they're called...something like ellipses...but that's an algebra thing) were unnecesarry. A period would work just as well, if not better in their place.

As the others said before me, you used a lot of description, and I'm not saying that's bad, but...well, they summed it up pretty well.

Other than that there isn't much to crit on, it was well written. Keep it up!

-JC