Geezer's Property, #5

“Ah-huh.” sarcasm played through his voice, and a slight flicker of panic ran across Leah’s face, though she quickly disguised it as a sneeze.

“Well, then,” said the Geezer in a falsely gentlemanly voice, a somewhat pompous look on his weathered face. A sardonically amused expression lingered in his countenance, and he held out his arm. The green lizard, Seriph, took off out of the water, splashing Saya (“OOmpf! (gurgle!) SERIPH!”), and landed gracefully on the proffered arm.

“Seriph,” said the Geezer silkily, stroking the triangular head with a grizzled finger, “be a good host and go find the baseball they claim to have lost. I know you can find it...if it is truly there.” Seriph cocked his head at the Geezer, almost questioningly, but then spread his wings and spiraled off in the direction of a garden.

A sound of tinkling laughter echoed from below, and all eyes swiveled to Saya, who was leaning on a rock in the middle of the pool and laughing.

“Oh, this is so jolly! I do like them, Frank, let them go, just this once.” the Geezer eyed her beadily. Saya turned to stare up at Sherman, smiling in the ingratiating manner that only mermaids can pull off well. “I like them, and they say I’m pretty. They can stay, can’t they?” she pouted.

“Oh, please let us stay!” blurted out Rowan, before he could stop himself. Leah, dropping all pretenses of knowing what she was doing, gaped at him openly and Sherman dropped the can of silly string he had been easing out of his belt case. Even Saya looked a bit surprised, and the Geezer’s eyebrows shot up. For a second, he looked almost gentle. Gentle, but surprised, but he hid this as efficiently as Leah herself did.

“You can’t,” he replied resolutely. “They would find out, and they would not stand for it.”

“Oh, gracious.” Saya slapped her hand to her forehead, looking suddenly sick. “They may already know. Frank’s right. You must get out of here, now!” she looked extremely scared and had turned white, making the green tint on her skin show more visibly then ever.

Leah closed her mouth but Sherman, the sharpest of the Three Musketeers, asked, “who are They?

A loud splashing sound behind them gave warning to the answer that neither Saya nor the Geezer wished to hear.

“Oh, great white Moby Dick…” whispered Saya, staring at something out at sea, eyes wide. The Geezer had also grown pale, looking suddenly a lot less formidable.

Rowan slowly turned to face the sea, and gasped aloud at what he saw.

A strangely muted cry, almost like a child’s wailing, pierced the air, and a blast of sea wind and spray met the small group of figures. Saya held on to the rock for dear life and Leah, being the thinnest there, was almost knocked over.

In the second of sudden silence, Rowan, being closest to the Geezer, heard him mutter, "if I can't make it through this again alive, Saya, forgive me."
_________
OH...MY....GOSH! I've UPDATED!!!!!!! :falls out of chair:
Many apologies to Ofour, my only reviewer....and I do have an excuse.

You see, I started this story as "oh, a couple kids daring each other to do something stupid" so I wasn't sure EXACTLY what was going to happen when the Geezer caught them. Well. Now I know.
And I'm also being mean and giving you cliffhangers.

I decided that I didn't like keeping all my stories in one thread, because I had to scroll DOWN so freakin' much. And that got REALLY annoying.

Here's the linkie to the original story thread: viewtopic.php?t=13929&highlight=

*falls off chair*

"in a falsely gentlemanly voice" - just sounds clumsy. "in a false, gentlemanly voice" sounds better.

"Gentle, but surprised, but he hid this as efficiently as Leah herself did." - double "but", clumsy.

"asked, “who are They?" - missing quotation marks.

Apology accepted. You've really got it going now, the story is progressing well, the introduction of a new climax is well-timed and effective. I have no complaints, it's all good, original stuff.

Keep going, no more breaks!

Oh my, a story with only one critique? Oh, this won't do....
*wicked grin*
I shall wield the mighty red pen with gratuitous and relentless impunity -figuratively, of course, since it's all computerized- fear me, ye mortals, and despair!

....anyway. Sorry, it's kinda late here. Hmmm, let's see. Not terribly much to correct here, actually, contrary to my opening remark about the red pen. I went back and read the first thread, and I'm enjoying the story so far. Your characters have quite the personalities. But there are a couple little things I noticed.

"A sardonically amused expression lingered in his countenance," but just before you said this, you said he had a somewhat pompous look on his face. How can it linger if it must have just gotten there? Possibly change that to "spread across his countenance," or some such.

You've a few issues with capitalization, such as this clip:

""Frank, let them go, just this once.” the Geezer eyed her beadily."

Should be ""...this once." The Geezer..."
I think there were one or two others, but they may have been in the other thread. I'll leave it to you to pick them out.

I agree with Ofour's comment about the double 'but'; however, I think the problem with that is actually the structure of the sentence. I think the two should be merged, like this:

"For a second, he looked almost gentle- gentle, but surprised- but he hid this as efficiently as Leah herself did."

or go with the semicolon, and say:

"For a second, he looked almost gentle; gentle, but surprised- but he hid this as efficiently as Leah herself did."

Aaaand finally if either of those aren't enough, you can just change the second 'but' to a 'though'. Even if you do that, however, I still think you should combine those two sentences, because otherwise that second 'gentle' seems too... fragmented, I guess. It's just awkward.

One last thing:

"Saya held on to the rock for dear life and Leah, being the thinnest there, was almost knocked over.

"In the second of sudden silence, Rowan, being closest to the Geezer, heard him mutter..."

the "being" is too repetitive. you can take it out completely, but I suggest only doing so for the second occurrence for the sake of flow and variety of sentence structure.

So, there we go. You have a second critic
This is one I'm going to be following, I think; it interests me indeed....
I'll especially be looking out for it in two weeks, cause then school's out and I'm graduated and into freedom! And then no creative writing shall be safe, my own or that of anyone asking for critique.... muhahahaa.....
....errrr.... bei'theh?

~sworddance

Third crit!.....

...Except that it isn't a very good crit. At this stage, all I want to do is read and not look out for mistakes. Sorry, but it does work out to a compliment if you look at it sideways.

One thing:

Baroness Ink wrote:“Ah-huh.” sarcasm played through his voice

As that's a full stop after "Ah-huh", "sarcasm" should be capitalized.


Oh, and another:

Baroness Ink wrote:“Oh, this is so jolly! I do like them, Frank, let them go, just this once.” the Geezer eyed her beadily.

You do it again here - "the" needs to capitalized.

Baroness Ink wrote:“Seriph,” said the Geezer silkily, stroking the triangular head with a grizzled finger,

Can a finger be grizzled? Grizzled normally means hair, I thought, as in grey.

Baroness Ink wrote:Seriph cocked his head at the Geezer, almost questioningly, but then spread his wings and spiraled off in the direction of a garden.

That bit kinda contradicts itself. Shouldn't it be in the direction of the garden? It just doesn't sound right.

Baroness Ink wrote:she looked extremely scared and had turned white, making the green tint on her skin show more visibly then ever.

Should be capitalized again.

Baroness Ink wrote:Leah closed her mouth, but Sherman, the sharpest of the Three Musketeers, asked, “who are They?

I think you need a comma between "mouth" and "but". I could be wrong. "Who" should be capitalized. Also, I noticed that sometimes you spell the Three Musketeers with capitals, and sometimes without. It should be capitals all the time.

Baroness Ink wrote:In the second of sudden silence, Rowan, being closest to the Geezer, heard him mutter, "if I can't make it through this again alive, Saya, forgive me."

*whispers* Capitals . . .

Baroness Ink wrote:“Oh, great white Moby Dick…” whispered Saya,

Love that exclamation! So sea-ish.


Hey, I did a proper crit after all! Just to say again that I'm enjoying this.

-Twit

I had a little troube knowing what was going on...I kinda spaced out near the middle.

(“OOmpf! (gurgle!) SERIPH!”),

Yeah...I read that like five times, and still didn't get it...
Oh, and there is actually a rule to using parentasis in parenthasis...
Here's the broken down order... {-[-(-)-]-} Pretty awesome eh? Yours would follow this pattern... [-(-)-]

Suggestions:

I guess there isn't much since crits one, two, and three have just about gotten everything.

For some reason, while this is good, it just isn't capturing me...which is no fault of yours, more like it isn't my thing. I'll keep reading though, because you're doing a good job plot-wise.

Good work. =D
JC