POD 24- First symptoms

Chapter 24
-The first symptoms

Jamie drove home by habit, barely even looking at the road. She was
mad, upset, sad, and every emotion in between.

She walked as quietly as should could, barely allowing the door to click
shut. Just as carefully she made her way across the carpeting toward the
stairs, avoiding ever creaking spot.

“You weren't supposed to leave,” a voice said, Jamie turned around, “you
know that.”

“Yeah,” Jamie said to the silhouette of her mother sitting on the couch. The
only light in the room came from the night outside, but something in Jamie
recognized this surrounding, and something in her calmed her at a moment
she should have panicked.

“Wanna tell me where you went?” The silhouette stood up, and took a few
steps toward Jamie, her features showing slightly.

“I was with Amber and Natalie,” Jamie said.

“Why?”

“I needed somebody to talk to,” Jamie took a step toward her mom,
showing that she wasn't afraid.
“You're not supposed to talk about the case to anybody,” her mom said.

“Who said I needed to talk about the case?” Jamie asked.

“What else would you want to talk about?”

“Well, maybe why my mom, the person I used to depend on, has turned
against me,” Jamie said with subtle venom.

“Don't try to guilt trip me, because it wont work,” her mom said.

“If you noticed it's a guilt trip, it worked,” Jamie said, taking yet another
step toward her mom.

“It doesn't change the facts,” her mom said, taking a step back.

“What are the facts?” Jamie followed, not giving her mom any leeway.

“You tried to kill your father.”

“You know what he did to me mom!” Jamie exclaimed.

“Yeah, I read your mindless accounts, calling parenting abuse. Do you
know what could happen if anybody in court found that?”

“Yeah,” Jamie said, “and it's what he deserves!”

“No he doesn't! Richard was a decent human, a good man, a wonderful
father, you tried to kill him,” her voice took on an edge of hysteria,
promising tears.

“Decent man?” Jamie cried out, “wonderful father! He wasn't worthy of your
love, he wasn't worthy of my respect-”

“He didn't deserve what he got,” her mom cut her off.

“No,” Jamie said sullenly, “he didn't, but it happened all the same.”

“So you admit you acted wrong?”

“I admit I acted on impulse. That's not saying he isn't to blame, after
everything he did-”

“It's called discipline!”

“It's called abuse,” Jamie said, tugging her voice back under control, “it's
called...”

She almost said it, the thing she didn't want to admit. The thing that had
pushed her over the edge.

“It's called what?” her mom prompted.

“Don't worry about it,” Jamie said, “never mind.”

“You know I'm right.”

“No Mom,” she said, letting her voice drop a few more levels, down from
calm to a sad whisper, “I know you've switched sides. I'm not going to
argue with you anymore.”

“You would have, before.” her mom pointed out.

“I know, but things have changed.”

“They always do,” her mom said.

“Would you believe me if I said I was sorry?” Jamie asked.

“No.”

“Fine,” Jamie said, turning around, “I just wish you knew the truth, but
you've blinded yourself.”

“Just go.”

“Night mom,” Jamie said. She walked up the stairs, stopping only when she heard a faint click downstairs.

POD 25- Almost telling: NOW POSTED

Hmm this wasn't as good as your other pieces, i guess not much really happened..you had a lot os she said mom said's in there, you could vary that out a bit?

Im so sad that her Mom has turned against her! And like, now she really only has Tammy, which is weird becuase...well it is lol! Look forward to the next part!

Meevs
x

Aw, pants, now her mum's gone bad. Kah, when's the next bit? Like Miyaviloves said, this didn't go much place, and not much happened. Still...

-ST

She was
mad, upset, sad, and every emotion in between.

Ah, the wonder of telling emotion. Can I quote from a book I'm currently reading...?

How does [so-and-so] succeed in making emotions so vivid? Not, you will notice, from naming them for us. The abstract words, "shame," "anger," or "fear" don't appear. In fact, naming emotions is usually a poor way to portray them. Even when authors say something like "fear gripped him," the abstract naming is supplemented by other , more visceral techniques. This is because the aim is not to label emotion; it is to make the reader experience the same emotion that the character does

From Characters, Emotion, & Viewpoints by Nancy Kress. [It is really amazing, consider getting it.]

I think that quote pretty much explains my opinion ^_^

She walked as quietly as [s]should[/s] she could

“You weren't supposed to leave,” a voice said, Jamie turned around, “you
know that.”

The punctuation in this is all funny. Try this: "You weren't supposed to leave," a voice said. Jamie turned around. [though this sentence shows action, can you spice it up? What is she thinking, what is she feeling?] "You know that."

Hmmm...


Well, you had a lot of dialog, and what should have been me feeling emotion for Jamie. Again, I felt none. I just got no feelings from it. It doesn't work. Even with the gaps in my reading, I should still be compelled to feel something, yes?

My second problem is the mother. It's not believable enough that she would "switch sides" this is one of those things where we have to see a previous example of it to believe it. And sure, we see the mother accepting her daughter being abused, and the self mutilation, but why does she accept it? We are told [in the previous chapter] but we are never shown, which makes it very hard for me to believe the mother would do this. Her character isn't reliable, I can't believe nor can I trust what she can do.

Develop her Best of luck!