Ch.1 - Assassination Attempt - The Yerrida

“Aine? Lady Aine!” Rais knocked on the door a bit harder than it was necessary. Was it his imagination or did the guards stationed at Aine’s doors smirk? Refraining from scowling at them - he was, after all, a Shield, and had a reputation to live up to - Rais knocked again.

Silence answered him, and he cursed under his breath, earning himself another barely repressed chuckle from the two. He made a move as if to enter, but the two guards immediately blocked him, expressions of disbelief on their pale faces as they met each other’s eye.

Rais almost winced. Why did the two stupidest men in the kingdom have to be stationed at that door at that time? Why? What, what in the world had he done to deserve all this?

He glared at them. The glare of a Shield on the average made people think again about what they were doing, and this situation no exception to the rule. The guardsmen gulped.

“We are sorry, but lady Aine said that no one was to be let in,” stuttered the taller of the two.

“Your name?” Rais asked, trying not to look as bored as he did.

“Zoltan, sir.”

“Very well, then, Zoltan…” the Shield looked expectantly at the second man.

“Randolf, Randolf Weith-”

“Zoltan and Randolf,” Rais started slowly, stretching out his words, “it seems that everyone have duties that need to be fulfilled. But I do not think that two young men such as yourselves, with their whole life still in front of them, will be stupid enough to interfere with mine. I assume I am correct?”

Orders from Aine or no, they let him in.

Once in the Aine’s chambers, Rais began to systematically search the rooms. He looked everywhere, knowing that eventually he would find her. Whether under the bed or in one of the wardrobes, he did not care. Rais knew that she was there, somewhere. But where?

Aine was no where to be seen. Great Alui, he even risked a search in the empty fireplace, where it was highly doubtful that she would hide. There was nowhere else where she could be, unless-

The balcony?

Rais smiled, looking at the open glass doors. He took a step outside, entering more a terrace than what could be called a balcony – for one thing, it was much too big. A forest of potted plants awaited him, their green leaved tickling him in the nose. Rais sneezed, at the same time looking down.

He froze.

A bit down, at least three thirds of the way, a fragment of blue cloth was hooked against the ragged stones that made the Palace.

She climbed down?

Rais wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen what Aine had done yesterday. Today, though, he was willing to believe everything when it came to her.

He was about half way down when an amused voice called his name. He looked up, closed his eyes for a second or two, then reopened the again. Rais almost moaned. Almost.

A small, elf-like face of a eleven-year-old girl peered down at him from the balcony. Light curls that escaped a loose bun at the top of her head were impatiently swished out of the way, but nothing could mask the expressions of smug contentment.

“My lady?” one of the guards’ voices reached Rais’s ear. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine, Zoltan,” he heard Aine say in a voice as sweet as honey. “The best it could be, in fact.”

Rais one again cursed under his breath.

“And it’s lady Ainathy for you, Shield.” Aine looked down once more, amusement scribbled on her face. She left, closing the balcony door behind her.

Wench.


---

Okay, so this is not the end of Ch. 1, but if I posted everything it would just be too long Thanks for reading!

I liek ho whe thinks wench at an eleven year old. Made me chuckle

Just liek teh first part i enjoyed it. thought it could do with abit more explaination as to why he is there and why the girl dislikes him

Anyway look forward to the next part.

P.s You do seem to be quoting me often nowadays

Thanks for reading, I suppose explanations will come later (hehe, still have to write them... and think them up...)

Thanks again!

PS. Yeah, I know... Tis creepy...

-Elein

The gong for supper sounded, cutting through the silence of the library. Aine sighed and voiced a goodbye at the librarian, an old, half-blind man who seemed as ancient as some of the books that were left under his care.

Torn away from the world of myths and legends, he nodded back at the statue of Leara the Forgiving

Slowly, Aine made her way toward her chambers, nodding at known faces, though frowning as she saw more and more unfamiliar ones.

Since last week’s incident, her brother had ordered that the palace guard be doubled. It was of little reverence to her, really, but what irked her were the Shields. Especially one snobbish, stony-faced Rais Dethain who was assigned to tail her everywhere she went by her brother.

Aine almost stopped at the injustice of it.

She knew how to take care of herself! Hadn’t she shown that to everyone last week? …Well, she started screaming. But that was enough to call a swarm of guards in to take care of her would-be assassin, and there was no need for a Shield.

All in all, though, nothing happened to anyone. Nonetheless, the Yerrida lurking in her rooms had escaped.

Once near her chambers, Aine slowed down. She looked around carefully - the man had the stupidest habit of turning up behind one’s back when he was not needed – but Rais was not there.

He should have climbed down by this time, though.

Quickly, Aine slipped into her rooms and gave herself away to her maid’s hands. Ellie, chattering as always, helped her dress for supper.

The Private Dining Chamber, where the del Enei family ate if there were no guest, was a relatively small, cozy room with two fireplaces. Naked white walls were adorned with portraits of deceased family members, the newest being of Aine’s father, Sevirard. He died a few years previously, killed by a Yerrida assassin.

Not so long ago she had almost shared his fate.

Aine shook the thought away, smiling at Errin. Her brother had inherited the Lyssenian colony, but had not, as she had feared, become as snobbish as some of the nobles she met.

Magdalaine del Enei was not present. Aine was not sorry, since she never did like her brother’s foreign wife. Being tall and dark, the Elittoran did not earn much sympathy in the Lyssenian court – there was far too much of the hated Yerrida in her physical appearance.

“Errin, tell that Shield to leave me alone!” Aine said as soon as she and her brother sat down.

“What?” he blinked at her. Being twenty six, he was fifteen years older than she. Fair-haired and slender as every Lyssenian, today he had bags under his eyes, a sure signal of another sleepless night.

Aine would have hated the Yerrida only because of them causing so much problems for her brother.

“Tell the Shield to stop stalking me,” Aine repeated patiently, used to her brother’s inattentiveness.

“My dear, I don’t think that is poss-” Errin stopped abruptly, looking around. “Where is the man?”

Ainathy shrugged. “I have no idea. He was with me a couple of hours before, but now? How am I supposed to know?”

Someone coughed.

Aine turned her head and glared at Rais, who had appeared out of nowhere in the corner of the room, his face expressionless at all times.

Black-haired and dark-eyed, Rais was another peculiarity at court. Even if he had not been a Shield, the Lyssenians would still keep away from him.

Errin raised an eyebrow at his sister.

“He entered my rooms even though clearly said I did not want anyone in,” started Aine. “And he let for about two hours to go only gods know where – what good is he?”

Errin sighed. “For future reference, Shield, you are forbidden to enter my sister’s chambers without her leave.”

“Errin!”

“What?” he raised an eyebrow again.

“Nothing.”

The servant bringing in food barely repressed a smile at her quick retreat. Aine contained the urge to stick her tongue out at him.

“Aine…” Errin started, toying with a silver fork.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing…” His voice trailed off, though he still looked at her thoughtfully.

“Then stop staring at me,” she said, mad the he didn’t call Rais off.


---

Part two of Ch.1 There will be 2 more parts, one including an assassination attempt

OOOOO yeh. I beatter see those two parts soon. Else i shall set my evil trolls Upon you. One is called george

Aine did not know how he did it. How Rais knew.

His room was adjacent to hers – maybe the Shield heard something? But what? The Yerrida’s breath? The sounds of a dagger being taken out of its sheath? It was not possible.

Or maybe it was.

After all, she woke up, too. Woke up with the tip of a blade at her throat. The steel gleamed and glittered in the moonlight – the curtains were and the window was open – reflecting the assassin’s eyes. Black, endlessly black eyes, ones that showed no emotion but hatred.

Aine couldn’t have screamed even if the Yerrida hadn’t had told her to be quiet in broken Lyssenian – her voice was not there.

Then – it was Aine who saw the shadow first; the Yerrida noticed it a moment later. A split second too late for him, as it turned out.

Daggers swished through the air quicker than her eyes could catch them as Rais appeared out of nowhere. Slashes, lurches, attacks, blocks – so fast, everything was happening so fast. They danced, the broad-shouldered Rais and the lean, wiry Yerrida. Danced a dance without known steps, in which everything was possible: the dance of death.

Though twenty five years at Sibale had not prepared the Shield for the schemes of a cunning eleven-year-old, defending principals and combat was what he was best at. Rais, caught in the whirlwind of the battle, fought, cut and slashed, making his opponent take a defensive stance. Spotting an opening good enough for his means, the Shield used it without hesitation.

The Yerrida fell to the ground, his left hand clutching his stomach. With the other one he tried to reach his dagger, but Rais kicked it away from him.

“Sahir,” he whispered in his tongue. A bubble of blood appeared at the corners of his lips. “Sahir...”

Blood, so much blood...

She opened her mouth, and then closed it. Huddled to the cool wall, Aine clutched a pillow so tightly that her knuckles went white. Aine’s would-be assassin died before her eyes

Blood, so much blood....

“Lady Aine...” started the Shield, wiping his blade with the Yerrida’s robe. His face for once was not blank – worry appeared on it as Aine did not reply, wide eyed looking at the dead man’s face. Rais covered it. “Aine...”

“Lady Ainathy,” she croaked, releasing her hold then clenching the pillow once more.

--

That was part three Comments, suggestions?

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On the first part, I'm going to do a brief nitpick...

“Aine? Lady Aine!” Rais knocked on the door a bit harder than it (you can omit 'it' here) was necessary. Was it his imagination or did the guards stationed at Aine’s doors smirk? Refraining from scowling at them - he was, after all, a Shield, and had a reputation to live up to - Rais knocked again.

The part in dashes near the end made the sentence falter and confused me at first. Perhaps reword it?

Once in the Aine’s chambers, Rais began to systematically search the rooms. He looked everywhere, knowing that eventually he would find her. Whether under the bed or in one of the wardrobes, he did not care. Rais knew that she was there, somewhere. But where?

I take it Rais knows Aine rather well. A bit more of Rais's reactions here might be nice.

Ah, Aine is cute. You're very good as presenting detail in a simplistic way; it makes your story very enjoyable to read. Again, as in your prologue, I refrain from complaining about description, though I do think it would be neat if we knew more about Aine's room. I'll get to the second part soon hopefully. Keep writing and PM me if you need anything.

"Lady Ainathy," he agreed.

“Why do they all want to kill me?” Aine wailed.

“Not kill. Abduct. Though I daresay if kidnapping you would prove to be impossible then yes, they would kill you.” Rais sat down on the floor, propping his head against a wardrobe.

“Are you trying to frighten me?”

“No.”

“Yes you are! You’re still mad at me because of the balcony”

“No.”

“Or because of the Small Audience Chamber.”

“It may be that,” he said, recalling how Aine had locked him in there. That girl was cannier that most of the adults that he knew.

Silence fell, and Rais closed his eyes. He was tired, so tired… Even more so at the thought of what would be tomorrow – another assassin in lady Aine’s chamber undoubtedly would start uproar.

Aine, on the other hand, seemed to be all right – not counting, of course, shock. For once she was nice, after all.

“Ellie, my maid, says that the Yerrida are evil. She says that they can kill you by looking at you. Is that true?”

“Did that particular Yerrida kill you when looking at you?”

“No, but-”

“You shouldn’t believe everything that Ellie tells you.”

“I don’t. That’s why I’m asking you. And you didn’t answer my question: can they?”

“No.”

“How do you know?”

“You weren’t killed, were you? And they did look at you.”

“So what? You said that they wanted to kidnap, not kill me.” She crossed her arms on her chest. “So, how do you know they can’t?”

“Because no one can kill anybody with a look,” said the Shield irritably.

“Oh. Rais?”

“What?”

Aine yawned. “I don’t remember.”

“You should go to sleep.”

“Yes, I think I should,” she yawned again, made a move as if to lie down, but suddenly froze. She looked at the dead man, at Rais’s daggers, at blood spattered everywhere.

She started screaming.

Rais opened his eyes. So much for getting some sleep.


End of Ch. 1

Thanks WD

So far i've only read the first part, but still it was really good. I'm looking forward to reading more - when I have the time - and found the first bit very amusing.

~ Shadowsun

On to the second part!

Torn away from the world of myths and legends, he nodded back at the statue of Leara the Forgiving

she?

Slowly, Aine made her way toward her chambers, nodding at known faces, though frowning as she saw more and more [s]of[/s] unfamiliar ones.

Since last week’s incident, her brother had ordered that the palace guard be doubled. It was of little reverence to her, really, but what irked her were the Shields. Especially one snobbish, stony-faced Rais Dethain who was assigned to tail her everywhere she went by her brother.

The part in red was a wee bit confusing.

Aine shook the though[t] away [s]from her[/s], smiling at Errin. Her brother had inherited the Lyssenian colony, but had not, as she had feared, become as snobbish as some of the nobles she met.

Magdalaine del Enei was not present. Aine was not sorry, since she never did like her brother’s foreign wife. Being tall and dark, the Elittoran did not earn much sympathy in the Lyssenian court – there was far too much of the hated Yerrida in her physical appearance.

Yes, I know that Magdalaine is not present, but I felt you were giving a bit too much away here. Perhaps mention a little, but wait for us to meet her before going into how she looks Yerrida and people despise her for that.

Aine would have hated the Yerrida only for causing so much problems to her brother

I think it should be 'causing many problems for her brother'. That causes a repetition of 'for', so you'd want to change the first preposition, but it makes more sense than 'to her brother'

Black-haired and dark-eyed, Rais was another peculiarity at court. Even I he had not been a Shield, the Lyssenians would still keep away from him.

should be if? I like Rais.

“Then stop staring at me,” she said, mad the he didn’t call Rais off.

I would like to see a little more on what it looks like for Aine to be mad here. Does her face get red? Does she start trembling? Great character development opportunity here.

I liked the second part - twas cute, and I really like Rais, so that makes me happy. on to third part...

After all, she woke up, too. Woke up with the tip of a blade at her throat. The steel gleamed and glittered in the moonlight – the curtains were and the window was open – reflecting the assassin’s eyes. Black, endlessly black eyes, ones that showed no emotion but hatred.

The first part in red is a bit unclear. And are you sure there isn't a more powerful word for 'showed'?

She opened her mouth, and then closed it. Huddled to the cool wall, Aine clutched a pillow so tightly that her knuckles went white. Aine’s would-be assassin died on her eyes

Watch your prepostions. Did he really die ON her eyes? Or before her eyes?

Daggers swished through the air quicker than her eyes could catch them as Rais appeared out of nowhere. Slashes, lurches, attacks, blocks – so fast, everything was happening so fast. They danced, the broad-shouldered Rais and the lean, wiry Yerrida. Danced a dance without known steps, in which everything was possible: the dance of death.

This is done rather nicely, but the idea of the 'dance of death' is a little cliche. I'm not asking you to get rid of it, but think about how you can twist it to your own uses and make it original.

After this third part, I REALLY like Rais. This is a very good beginning; however I do have one more suggestion. The transition between the second and third parts was very abrupt, so I am going to suggest you mention something about Aine going back to her room before plunging into the second part. It took a few sentences for me to realize Aine was in her room now.

on to last part...

“Why do they all want to kill me?” Aine wailed.

Hmm, may just be me, but I got the impression that Aine was more shocked than anything else - not really hysterical.

“It may be that,” he said, recalling how Aine had locked him in there. That girl was cannier that most of the adults that he knew.

*giggle* Poor Rais

Aine, on the other hand, seemed to be alright – not counting, of course, shock. For once she was nice, after all.

alright should be all right

“You weren’t killed, where you? And they did look at you.”

should be 'were you'

In this chapter, I felt the character shifts in Aine were a little abrupt; she goes from clutching her pillow in part 3, to wailing, to being nice, to screaming in a very small amount of time. This isn't necessarily bad, but I think a bit more description on how she is reacting might be helpful.

This is really great, Elein! A joy to read, truly. Character impressions when I get to chapter 2.

… Hmm, I will probably be repeating myself if I say ‘Thanks WD’ again, yes?

The first part - it was about the librarian. Probably my bad, though. Not really clear. I made most of the minor changes, the bigger ones will be later. *Sighs* O hate editing, lol.

And the fighting scene - lol, I never did know how to write them.

Also, I kind of wanted her to have major mood swing - lol, did I over-do it?

Shadowsun: Thanks for reading!

-Elein

I don't feel the mood swing was overdone, but rather that it could have used a bit more description to make it a bit less abrupt.

See ya around!

Okay. I've read through it all and I've found that it's a really well written piece. The fight scene is good but a lot of people have sed the 'Dance of Death' idea, I think that something a tiny bit more origional should fill that part. Overall it's a very good stroy, I'm beginning to like the shield and how he follows Aine around alot. Reminds me of my brother.

~ Shadowsun

I liked it, very good! Might add a little more description about the 'world' and such, but that can always come later.