Witch

The women stood in a circle, their black hoods flung back from their heads. They were encircling one of their own. They were woman of all heights, weights and races, and their faces were unreadable, oblivious to the rain running through their hair. Their eyes were fixed on the woman in the centre of the circle, as another woman stepped forward to join her. As she moved in, the other woman shuffled around to close the circle once more.

One woman stood proud with her hair braided, while the other had let it fall untamed down her back. The first wore a grim smile, almost a smirk on her face, but the other seemed almost dazed. She shuddered regularly, and not just from the cold. And the woman in control had focused eyes, darting every way in a borderline paranoid fashion, whereas the woman's were unfocused.

"My glorious Sisters," she wailed. "We are gathered here today because we have discovered that one of our own - I am sure you can guess who - has been discovered to have a child!" The other women's gasps were almost theatrical. The leader of the women began to prowl around the woman. Those making up the circle smiled and whispered among themselves. Their voices rose in an excited chatter until their leader stopped them. "This pitiful excuse for a witch has betrayed us, and broken two of our most important rules. One, to never have children, and two, to conceal nothing from her sisters. We know that having children makes woman pathetically soft, and it is true that Kristie has not participated in a sacrifice in four years, the very age of her child! Now. . . she must make up for her sins. She has two options before her."

Another woman walked to the leader, and offered her a silver dagger. "Here you go, Emma." Emma flashed her a quelling glare and she faltered. "I'm sorry, I mean, my Sister. The woman scurried back to her place and kept her eyes towards the ground.

Emma walked close to the Kristie and put the tip to her chin. Kristie put her head down, and Emma tilted the dagger slowly to force her head back up. The tip sliced her skin slightly, and a slow trickle of blood travelled down the blade.

Emma put the blade to her lips and licked it. "Your first choice is to bring your son to us. You will sacrifice him on the eve of the full moon, and your sins shall be forgiven. Your second choice, of course, is to be sacrificed yourself, and your soul harvested for our Great Mother to absorb. You must make your choice now, before the eyes of your Sister witches and the Great Mother." She turned to a woman behind her, the second-in-command, and grinned. Kristie could read that grin easily: it was triumphant, the smile of a woman who couldn't fathom the bond of a mother and son

Kristie's eyes lost their dazed look, and gained a glint of steel. "I am grateful for Ray; he has shown me the evil of you, my "Sister." What kind of sister would sacrifice one of their own?" She stopped, suddenly infinitely aware of the eyes boring into her from all directions. Her voice dropped into just more than a whisper. "That is, of course, excusing those who have tried to have children, but couldn't. They have the right to be bitter and twisted. Almost." The gasps from the witches had no theatrical quality this time.

"Whore!" Emma yelled, and several birds took light in a tree they had perched in for shelter from the rain. She moved closer to Kristie and put the blade to her throat. "Lies, all of it lies. All of us know that. You are only a foul temptress, sent to keep us from our true path." She was gasping slightly, out of breath from yelling, and paused for a moment. Then she spat in Kristie's face.

Kristie raised a hand to her face and wiped the spit away. She pursed her lips and slapped the woman with all the force she still held. She staggered and fell to the ground, and while the knife fell from her grasp, it nicked her throat and she gasped, breath catching. She was dizzy, but forced it away as she ran. She shoved through the circle, amazed at the good luck that she had only had to push past an old woman.

Kristie ran for the gates of the park, and marvelled that no one had heard the woman yelling and came to help. When she seen the woman she tried to stop running, but couldn't. She barged her over, and finally came to a stop. She looked at the woman's black robes in horror and realised that she had never seen her before. She pulled her hood up and said, "I'm sorry. The others asked me to get something for them."

The woman looked past her at the woman beginning towards them, and the bloodstains around her chin and throat. She glared at Kristie and got onto her hands and knees. Kristie moved closer and kicked one of her hands. The woman fall flat and hit her head on the concrete. Kristie vaulted over her and ran out the gate, onto the road.

Twin bright lights blinded her and she looked up, shielding her eyes with her hands. A man glared at her from inside his car, and honked the horn. Kristie moved away from it, and the man honked ocne more before driving away.

And then Kristie ran down the road, into the darkness of a cold world.

*claps*
excellent! I love it. dark, cruel... heheheh
I don't have time for looking for grammar and spelling.
I want more!
*pokes* hurry up with the next bit!

Overall, it was very good. However:

Insanityabounds wrote:The women stood in a circle, black hoods flung back from their heads, encircling one of their own. They were woman of all heights, weights and races, and their faces were unreadable, even as the rain danced through their hair. A hum emerged from deep in their throats and they held it for a long time before stopping. Their eyes were fixed on the woman as one woman stepped forward to join her in the circle. As she moved in, the other woman shuffled around to close the circle.

Clean this up. It's a lot of description and I get bored.

It was obvious who the leader of the women was through the sharp contrast of those within the circle. One stood proud with her hair braided, while the other had let it fall untamed down her back. The first wore a grim smile, almost a smirk on her face, but the other seemed almost dazed. She shuddered regularly, and not just from the cold. And finally, the woman in control had focused eyes, darting every way, whereas the woman's were unfocused.

You've managed to show and tell here. Lead me to the same conclusion without telling me the answer. It'll be much more convincing.

And take out that "finally". It's icky and best used for third grade book reports.

"My glorious Sisters," she cried. "We are gathered here today because we have discovered that one of our own - I am sure you can guess who - has been discovered to have a child!"

I think another word besides "cried" might be good here. It gets lost in the shuffle. Wail might be a good one, if that's what you're trying to describe. Not a big deal though.

The other women's gasps sounded almost theatrical.

"The other women's gasps were almost theatrical."

"The other women's gasps were theatrical."

The leader of the woman began to circle the woman, and those making up the circle smiled.

Ow. Headache.

Now that the show was beginning, they could barely contain their glee.

Show, don't tell.

a slow trickle of blood stained the blade.

Wouldn't it run down the blade? "Stained" doesn't give me that image.

The woman put the blade to her lips and licked it, before continuing.

The "before continuing" is unnecessary.

"Your first choice is, of course, to bring your son to us. You will sacrifice him on the eve of the full moon, and your sins shall be forgiven. Your second choice, of course, is to be sacrificed yourself, and your soul harvested for our Great Mother to absorb. You must make your choice now, before the eyes of your Sister witches and the Great Mother."

The "of course" brings me right out of the action. Dunno why, but ti does.

The woman smiled, knowing she had trapped the woman. She turned to a woman behind her, the second-in-command, and grinned. She could read that grin easily: it was triumphant, the smile of a woman who couldn't conceive the importance of children.

Ack! The telling! Cut out "knowing she had trapped the woman."

And who's reading who's grin. I'm confuzzled.

The woman's eyes lost their dazed look, and gained a glint of steel. "There are more important things in life than Sisterhood. Family must take priority over this life. I am grateful for Ray; he has shown me the evil of you, my "Sister." What kind of sister would sacrifice one of their own?" She stopped, suddenly infinitely aware of the eyes boring into her from all directions. Her voice dropped into just more than a whisper. "That is, of course, excusing those who have tried to have children, but couldn't. You are just a sad, sad woman." The gasps from the witches had no theatrical quality this time.

WHICH WOMAN? I need a way to distinguish between them all. Also, this speech hits harder when it starts with "I am grateful for Ray" and gets rid of the stuff before it.

"Whore!" the Sister yelled, and several birds took light in a tree they had perched in for shelter from the rain. She moved closer to the woman and put the blade to her throat. "Lies, all of it lies. All of us know that. You are only a foul temptress, sent to keep us from our true path." She was gasping slightly, out of breath from yelling, and paused for a moment. Then she spat in Kristie's face.

Kristie raised a hand to her face and wiped the spit away. She pursed her lips and slapped the woman with all the force she still held. She staggered and fell to the ground, and while the knife fell from her grasp, it nicked her throat and she gasped, breath catching. She was dizzy, but forced it away as she ran. She shoved through the circle, amazed at the good luck that she had only had to push past an old woman. She ran for the gates of the park, and marvelled that no one had heard the woman yelling and came to help. When she seen the woman she tried to stop running, but couldn't. She barged her over, and finally came to a stop. She looked at the woman's black robes in horror and realised that she had never seen her before. She pulled her hood up and said, "Just got to grab something for the others."

The woman looked past her at the woman beginning towards them, and the bloodstains around her chin and throat. She glared at Kristie and got onto her hands and knees. Kristie moved closer and kicked her hands. The woman fall flat and hit her head on the concrete. Kristie vaulted over her and ran, into the darkness of a cold world.

I had to reread this. Again, I'm sure it's perfectly clear to you who's who, but not so to me. I understand not wanting to put in names, but you need to do something.

Who in their right mind would slap someone holding a dagger to their throat? Then again, she did have a kid... we all no what that does to your judgment, never mind temperament.

Yay! I read it.

It was quite good, and when you didn't have too much repetition, the description was very good. I thought you had a very good balance of showing and telling - telling can sometimes be good as long as it is not excessive.

I'm not going to pick out specific sentences in this, because I think just giving you some things to go back and work on would be more helpful at this point in your writing.

Clarity. A general term, but I am referring to as Puschca put it, figuring out 'who's who'. Everybody is a woman, yes, but if you can distinguish them by some mark, it will help the reader immensely. You could have 'the woman with brown hair' or 'the woman with a mole' or anything to help the reader tell them apart. Remember, we can't see inside your head.

Repetition. The thing I noticed most. In this piece, you don't have excessive descripton, but your description is repetitive and says the same thing multiple ways - that is why we get bored even with your sufficient amount of description. Example:

The leader of the woman began to circle the woman, and those making up the circle smiled

womanwomancirclecircle. That's the first thing I notice when reading this sentence. Do you see the repetition there? So, watch for repetition. It is one of those things that can kill an entire paragraph in a single stroke.

Now, another kind of repetition if sentence structure repetition. I didn't notice this as much, but watch out for uniform sentence structure, meaning each sentence is set up the same way in the same order.

Word Choice. There were a few spots where I felt your word choice was questionable, so be sure that the word you are using is the word you absolutely want. Use the dictionary, the thesaurus, anything - be certain.

Awkward Phrasing.

The women stood in a circle, black hoods flung back from their heads, encircling one of their own

Read this aloud. Now read it again. And again. Does it sound awkward? It does to me. I've read it quite a few times and I still don't quite understand it. This awkward phrasing. It's a killer when it comes to writing, so watch out for it. Read everything you write aloud and if it sounds fishy, toy with it. Reading also helps a lot with this, so keep reading.

In all, this was quite good, very chilling. Nicely done and keep writing. PM me if you need anything.

Very good but specify what is happening to certian people and decide if you're going to use names or not.

Thanks all you guys for your crits. I tried to fix most of the stuff they were talking about, but I'm not quite clear on which words you were commenting on with my Word Choice, WD.

And you're right Pushca: It's a pregnancy thing. Plus, I would get angry if osmeone wanted to sacrifice me lol!

I have the next part ready, but I'll have to edit it and do the part after. :p

You definately need to cut down on the number of times you write woman, seriously. And it definately needs to be thesaurused. Find some knew words and widen your vocabulary.

Otherwise it was a really good peice. I'm going for part 2

I really can't say much in ways of critique since those who posted before me already voiced my concerns.

Despite that, I did like this piece. Though I am confused over the time period. Both the main character Kristie and her son have modern names and you mention concrete, but the rest of the story seems more medieval with the black cloaks and such. Perhaps you could make this more clear?

Awaiting part two...

LUNA

I was just thinking about that last night, Luna. Just got back from hokliday so I had a bit of tiem to think on it. I think the second part pretty well shows the timeline. It has some cars and stuff like that, so it should show you better lol.

I just assumed that you'd be able to look around on the internet or in a shop and find some black robes! I'm not sure. Haven't worn any recently.

Anyways, thanks.

Kristie's eyes lost their dazed look, and gained a glint of steel. "I am grateful for Ray; he has shown me the evil of you, my "Sister."

Because the word sister is already in part of the dialogue, it should be in single quotation marks. 'Sister'

Okay, now most people already took care of all the grammerical things, and their suggestions, so I guess at this point it would just get repeditive, so I'm going to go on a different route.

Characters:
Well, the only thing that bugged me about this section was that there weren't really any characters. Characters are the driving point of stories, without them readers can easily be led of and lose themselves in their thoughts..i.e, Daydreaming. But from what characters there are...

Main witch personish thing- I would like to know more about her, or at least know her name, it could help cut down on the number of times you say woman. You can do this here...

One woman stood proud with her hair braided,

You can use her name here, despite popular belief somebody doesn't have to actually say the name for the reader to know it.

Kristie- So far I like her, how she's rebelling and standing up for her son.

Plot-
Once again, at this point I don't know much about it, I like where you're going with it so far though, it holds a lot of promise.

Suggestions-
Nothing that hasn't already been said.
You can cut back on descriptions a little, just get the reader ingaged, don't bombard them with the nitty-gritty details. At certain points in stories it's okay to go overkill, but right in the beginning it's too much for the reader to take. They wan't to jump into a story, not a five page description of a sunset. (Just an example)

More variaty, on both word and sentece structure. You say "woman" a lot, and a lot of your sentences start simmilarly.

Show don't tell. Speaks for itself.

Other than that, you have a very promising story, I look forward to seeing what comes of it! I'll read the next part tomorrow, I have some writing to catch up on!

-JC

I thought it was very good although you need to patch up a few things about who is who, because I really can't tell.
All in all it was great!

Thanks JC and Ahsh. I'll try to work on the stuff with the names. Turns out I had a version that had them in it, but I put this one up. So I messed up a bit lol! And there's a clue as to who the lead witch is to Christie, but it probably looks more like an error.

-Mat

Didn't you spell Kristie with a K in the story?

Yes, I did. But I'd just been talking to someone named Christie. I'm easily confused lol.

hehe, nice =D