Dear April,
My Mum made me go and see a counselor, she says I need someone to talk to about your deat…what happened to you. No one really seems to understand that I don’t want to talk about it. Never mind with a complete stranger. He spent the first 30 minutes asking me whether I had school problems and how I was, and I told him that school and life was generally great, except, of course, that my best friend has just died. Then he just sat there and sprouted a load of rubbish about different psychological theories and how he understands what I’m going through. And how can he? Did his best friend kill herself? Um, no. So he has no idea what I’m going through. No one does.
Anyway, the guy said that I had a lot of unresolved issues concerning you and I should write a letter to you as that’s the only way I can ‘tell’ you how I feel and finally put this behind me. Hence the letter I’m writing now. I guess there is a lot I never got to tell you. Like how much of a difference you made to my life. In a good way I mean. I can never really tell you now how much I cared about you. Or how much I miss you.
Everyone else seems to have forgotten about you now. Don’t get me wrong, everyone at school was miserable for months, but then life seemed to go back to normal for everyone else. But don’t worry, I’ll never forget you; I don’t think I could even if I tried.
Always yours,
Johanna
‘Johanna? You’re going to be late for school’, Jo’s mum called from the kitchen.
‘So?’ Jo replied irritably.
‘Sweetie, you have to go back some time. You might as well go sooner rather than later. I know things have been hard for you, but this is an important year’.
Jo’s mum cringed as she heard scuffling down the stairs and then the slam of the front door.
‘At least she’s getting out of the house now. It wasn’t that long ago that she refused to leave her room’
‘Hmm, I suppose you could say that’s an improvement. I just hope that Matt manages to catch her before she gets wherever she’s going’. Jo’s Dad replied.
‘Alright class, lets open our books to page 178 and begin exercise twelve’.
Jo reluctantly opened her book and started to work. She managed to get through a whole question before she gave up and returned to staring out of the window. It’s so strange, she thought, whenever I’m stuck at home I want to be at school and when I am at school, I long to be home again. The only time I’m at peace is when I’m asleep. Except for the dreams of course.
‘Jo?’
Miss Mullery’s voice had the same tentative, nervous edge that all of Jo’s teachers had nowadays.
‘Johanna’, Jo’s indignant voice rang out across the room.
‘What?’
‘My name’s Johanna. I’d appreciate it if you called me by my actual name’.
‘But…everyone’s called you Jo since you were about 5’.
‘Things change’.
Somehow the cold harsh tone in Jo’s voice caught everybody’s attention much more effectively than Miss Mullery’s long lectures ever had. Everyone turned around waiting to see what might happen.
‘Um, well I can’t help but notice Jo – Johanna, that you’ve only done one question. Do you not understand what the other questions are asking?’
‘Yeah, I don’t understand. I don’t understand why I should have to learn this at all. What use is it?’
‘Well, It’s in your GCSEs and that can be very important when you’re trying to get into colleges and then jobs later on’. Miss Mullery looked very uncomfortable now, like she wished she’d left Johanna alone from the start.
‘But if I die tomorrow, then I’ve just wasted all this time’.
‘Don’t be silly dear, why would you die tomorrow?’
‘Who knows why people die? They just do’
To Miss Mullery’s horror, Johanna eyes started to swell with tears, she quickly dismissed the girl, secretly promising to herself that she would never say another word to the girl, she was far too touchy.
Jo was stomping across the playground after maths when she felt someone grab her shoulder and whisper to her:
‘So did you mean to be really bitchy to Miss Mullery just then, or did it just come out accidentally?’
‘Leave me alone Matt’, Jo snapped, while pushing his hands off her shoulder.
‘You’ve been left alone for too long already’. Matt said sharply.
‘Johanna. Come over here’.
‘People are calling me, I’d better go’.
‘Oi Johanna, didn’t you hear us?’
Jo, or as we now must call her, Johanna marched over towards the intimidating crowd that waited for her. She glanced warily at the little pack of three. The first one, which she presumed was their leader, as she was the loudmouth that had called her name so tauntingly, was a pretty, gangly girl with a mass of piercings and messy hair. She introduced herself as Megan. The second one was a plump, spotty girl with beady little eyes and her name was Susan. The third and final girl was tall, and thin, with a mouth like a puffer fish and a permanently bored expression on her face. She was introduced as Debbie.
Once Johanna would have tried to ignore this group and swept by them quickly, breaking into a run as soon as she was out of sight. But now she marched upto them with the same expression on her face that you would imagine an elephant would wear when it had to go past a pack of lions. An expression that read, ‘if you dare try and eat me, I WILL stomp on you’.
‘Hey Johanna, we heard about what happened with Miss M, that was so cool’.
‘Really?’ Despite herself, Johanna smiled warmly, albeit slightly nervously, at the gang.
Chubby Susan, obviously under the misguided impression that she might have something to add to the conversation, said: ‘Yeah, you go girl, I always thought you were a right geek. I never thought you had it in you to do something like that’.
‘Nah, it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch, right Jo’. Megan’s voice was authoritative and invited no opposition. She shrugged off Johanna’s hesitant yes and went onto complain about most of the teachers at their school finally arriving at the students, which she quickly took apart one by one.
‘So, we’ll see you at lunch right Jo?’
‘Yeah sure’. Johanna walked away, not entirely sure what had just happened, but not exactly hating it.
