Face Off

So I submitted 'Monster' to an anthology of short stories 'Flash Spec' that will be published later this year and was asking for submissions. It was short listed for publication but with some suggested edits, title included. Tell me what you guys think. For the most part I'm happy with it...but at the same time I dont really want to argue with it cos I want to get published: is that bad?

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Face Off

No matter what he did, or where he intended to go, he always ended up here. He exhaled slowly, breath frosting in the air before him. It was around sundown, although you couldn’t tell with the sky a constant, colourless grey.

He lit a cigarette. The tip flared a vivid orange-red as tendrils of smoke snaked out of his mouth. His stiff, brocaded jacket sat heavily on his shoulders. He picked at gold buttons that didn’t shine, flexed fingers pale from the cold – anything to avoid the inevitable. He turned his head and stared up at the weathered face.

Faded, gaping and huge, twisted in unthinkable anguish, the abandoned amusement park’s entrance betrayed none of its secrets, cloaked beneath decades of residual emotion. It was the only tangible presence in an otherwise lifeless void.

So…you’ve come back.

The face didn’t move, but an image of ponderous, articulating jaws overwhelmed him.

“Have I,” he said, more a dull recognition then a question. He looked up at the eyes.

Why?

Always the same routine. “Why do we do anything?” Why had he done it? Why did he walk and talk and think and feel when all he wanted to do was sleep? Why did he keep returning here?

To remember?

“No!” His hands shook.

Why then?

Familiar, stabbing hurt. “To see you,” he whispered, grinding the cigarette beneath his boot.

Liar.

“Then tell me the truth!”

A single tear dropped from the heavens, exploding on his head.

You’re an anomaly. A murderer who begs remorse. A liar who seeks truth.

He spat, but the taste remained. He swallowed, but the guilt lay heavy on his tongue. He was so cold, so alone. “Why do you torment me?” A strand of saliva stretched between his bared teeth.

If you’re going through hell, keep going!

“If only it were that simple.” He stared at the gaping mouth, seemingly ready to consume him. There were so many things to say...he wanted to weep and confess, to fall and rail, to scream and be noticed. So many things to say, and yet his silence said everything.

“I had no choice!” Frustration ate at him. He wanted her to understand, wanted to be with her.

He wanted to live again.

“If it was so wrong, why did no one stop me?”

The logic of a criminal. A madman.

“A man obsessed,” he corrected.

The grey sky finally opened. Time to leave.

Release me!

“No,” he said softly.

With a last, longing look he turned slowly and then strode away. Behind him, trickles of rain bled from large, faded eyes.

Hey Jig. Let's see what we can do with this.

Firstly, the title. It's not terribly bad, but there was a movie in the U.S. called "Face/off" and it makes me think of that. And they actually take the guys' faces off and switch them, so it makes me think of that too. It's also somewhat of a pun, which takes away from the seriousness of the piece as a whole. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with the title.

No matter what he did, or where he intended to go, he always ended up here. He exhaled slowly, breath frosting in the air before him. It was around sundown, although you couldn’t tell with the sky a constant, colourless grey.

I think this is a rather weak beginning considering the rest of the vivid vocabulary and complex sentence structures you use after this. I would definitely work on it. Perhaps try to add some complexity. Or you could even go the other route and utilize sentence fragments. That might be powerful.

Always the same routine. “Why do we do anything?”

My first thought here was that the giant face isn't really doing anything at the moment. It had done things in the past. And the narrator does things now. So I was thinking of changing this to either "Why do I do anything?" or "Why did we do anything?"

Why, then?

I think there should be a comma there.

Familiar, stabbing hurt. “To see you,” he whispered, grinding the cigarette beneath his boot.

Liar.

Hm. Somewhat a contradiction on both parts here. First the face accuses him of trying to remember, which he denies. Then he says he wants to see her (which is in the end a way of remembering her) and it said he was a liar. Perhaps the face could show some sort of feeling beside accusing him. Maybe it could be pleased? or angered? or even itself confused, not knowing how to react.

You’re an anomaly. [s]A murderer who begs remorse.[/s] A liar who seeks truth.

A murderer who begs remorse isn't really an anomaly, I would think, though I can see the reasoning behind it. I don't remember you putting that in there the first time. Was there a reason this time? Were you unsure if the people reading it might not understand if it wasn't in there? I think the phrase "A liar who seeks truth." might help them understand even without the whole 'murderer' line. I would consider taking it out, and let the reader catch from the clues what is going on, much like you had before.

“I had no choice!” [s]Frustration ate at him.[/s] He wanted her to understand, wanted to be with her.

I would find another way of saying that if possible. It's overused and tired.

“If it was so wrong, why did no one stop me?”

I don't like that line. It's too... childish? I think our narrator is complicated enough to know that it was wrong, and that wrong things can be committed without interference. Perhaps you could show some inner frustration here. Maybe he could ask himself "If it was so wrong, why did I find it so easy to do?" Or "If it was so wrong, why was it our happiest moment?" Something like that would make him far more emotionally unstable. Perhaps he even realizes he is, but still basks in it.

The logic of a criminal. A madman.

“A man obsessed,” he corrected.

Nice lines. I would see the above comment and try and incorporate them into that line of thinking.

"No,” he said softly.

Hm. I think something more would do here than a simple declension. We could learn a bit more if he said something along the lines of "I could never let go."

Then again, a simple "no" or "never" might be the way to go. Often, simplicity allows the reader to draw more conclusions.

With a last, longing look he turned slowly and [s]then[/s] strode away. Behind him, [s]trickles of rain[/s] bled from the large, faded eyes.

"Trickles" is certainly not the right word here. Some words that might work better: raindrops, tears, streams of water.


Nicely done. If you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them. Sorry for leaving some things so open (sometimes I even argued with myself ^_^), but I think I would rather give you advangtages and disadvantages and then let you decide what is best for your piece. Good luck with the anthology!

Those things you questioned aren't mine, Tri, those are the parts the editor added in and for the most part I... dislike, really. And again, as I said initially, I dont want to argue becuase I really want it published. But then, even now, it getting published is still very much up in the air at the moment.

I'm not even sure how I feel about the piece anymore; I almost hope it doesn't get published...

Hm. That's unfortunate. Some editors surely can be stubborn.

Were there any parts in particular that they added?

Hey Jig.

This then, simply in comparison? I'm rather more inclined to like 'Monster' unchanged - though some of the description around the dialogue/exchange has been more deftly approached, cleaned up.

I notice it's an amusment park now, blatantly. In its former manifestation, we got impressions of the street, a dusky, streetlamp raggedness contrasted to sterility, emptiness. That was beautifully evocative, and more vivid naturally, than merely 'amusement park'. Was it cut for length's sake?

Without a doubt, you have the stronger voice and style than this poor, benighted editor, with what seems to be added. Perhaps you could use some of the suggestions, but re-word them somewhat more precisely/deftly?

“If it was so wrong, why did no one stop me?”

The logic of a criminal. A madman.

These don't seem to connect in the least. If it was so wrong...has what to do with logic and madmen? o0' Though the 'logic' bit fits aptly with what follows - 'a man obssessed'. ^_^

With a last, longing look he turned slowly and then strode away. Behind him, trickles of rain bled from [s]large[/s], faded eyes.

Strike 'large' - needless and painfully slowing to the point that 'faded' makes.

Anyhow, not much more that can be said. If you've reservations about this editor, the publishers, you have the right idea. They've tried to dumb you down - but all good writers go through that at some point. To be published, it might not be inconceivable to allow them to tinker it out of shape. You'll have the chance later when you're well known and famous to tell them what's what. ^_~



IMP

Yes thats been the consensus really; pragmatism over my artistic reservation lol. Just get out there for now; I'm glad you agree that Monster was better XD, that means something. Knowing that, at least coming from someone other then myself, means a lot. Now I can hope it gets published and be happy about it.

Cheers, Imp. Oh and by the way, its 'Monster' thats being submitted for the Fool's Duel o0'

Hi Jig - sorry this took me so long to get to. I've been hideously late on critiques lately, with school just about ending and AP finals to take. But I didn't forget about you, that's a promise. Your stories are entirely too wonderful to read to be forgotten, even if circumstances do tend to force them to wander aimlessly about a long list of imcomplete crits for a month or two.

To be honest, I liked this version a bit better than 'Monster'. Not to take away from the original, of course - the original draft has great merit all its own - but this has such a sharper feel to it. This might just be the editors having morphed the concept to a simpler-seeming, less abstract version of the other draft, but for the purposes of a possible anthology publication, I think this would fit in a bit better.

Imp wrote:I notice it's an amusment park now, blatantly. In its former manifestation, we got impressions of the street, a dusky, streetlamp raggedness contrasted to sterility, emptiness. That was beautifully evocative, and more vivid naturally, than merely 'amusement park'.

Initially I wasn't sure that I completely agreed with Imp on this point (no offense meant, of course), but I brought up the old draft of 'Monster' and this one side-by-side and I have to say, it's a hard decision to make. She's right in the fact that imagery you presented in 'Monster' was much fuller, darker, as opposed to 'Face Off's imagery which is implied but never truly developed. Then again, I do rather like the idea of the setting change from the abandoned street to the abandoned amusement park. It carries a more ominous feel... something vaguely like King's It, if you follow my drift. ^_~ I would suggest that you leave the setting in the park, but perhaps (if space allows) add clearer description in there, and perhaps a good deal more of it.

On a side-note, the second paragraph reads very choppily. Its sentences don't mesh together as they do in the rest of the piece - they feel almost awkward, like a list. You might want to see if you can't work on the flow in that area.

Another thing I'd like to mention. 'Monster' was much sparser for action and dialogue - or rather, there wasn't much physical action to split up the dialoge, imagined or real. I think I mentioned in that crit that I had a bit of a difficult time finding the underlying point and purpose of that piece, but I just reread it a moment ago next to this one, and upon giving it all a closer look, I think it is just that very sparse tone that made Monster a good piece. On that note, I think you did a very nice job in giving "Face Off" some cushion. ... but we're back to the same conflict: was the cushion really needed, or does it destroy the entire purpose of 'Monster's teasing and implication?

It's very difficult to say, Jig, and I don't think I'll be much help on that point. Standing by itself, I think "Face Off" is a perfectly serviceable piece, as is 'Monster'. As to which is better-written, I don't think they can be accurately compared: "Face Off" is perhaps more anthology-friendly, easier to read and comprehend, with more padding; it lacks, however, the depth of thought and suggestion that made "Monster" what it is. It's almost like the story lost its soul a bit, as you ended up with something pretty different than what you started out with. My judgement on it remains one of conflict, Jig - and I do think Imp makes the right point when she says that they've tried to dumb it down a bit.



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[Critted for the CCF]