Tamia's quest VI

The rain beat at the forest.
Huddled under the protection of the outcrop, Elyn sighed.
The fire had long since gone out, plunging the cosy campsite into gloom.

"You know, we would be much warmer if you would come a little closer." Elyn prompted the reluctant halfelf.

"How do I know you won't stab me? Why did I even follow you? I obviously wasn't thinking straight." Tamia edged further away, pulling her travel blanket tighter around her.

"Tamia, look. You were alone in the forest, with minimal provisions, and a broken bow. How long do you think you would have lasted? I'm trying to help."
Tamia looked up at the stranger sitting across from her, her lips determinedly pressed together.
Elyn held her gaze, willing her to trust him.

"I'm here now. We may as well spend the night in warmth, if not total comfort. Tomorrow we can talk. But for now, I'm freezing my tail off."
Tamia blinked, going over his words in her head.

She reached a conclusion, and stood.
Elyn permitted himself a small grin as she crossed the blackened remains of the fire to join him.
Maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as he thought.
His employer wouldn't take it well if he lost her on the first day.
Tamia sat against the wall next to him, and spread her blanket over them both.
She then turned to lay down, using her pack as a pillow, her face away from him, every muscle tense.
Elyn shook his head, and lay down beside her in a similar fashion, so their backs were together, his feet barely reaching her knees.
They were both instantly warmer, and Elyn felt Tamia relax into sleep.
Such a strange girl.
Elyn sighed. I will win her over. I have no choice.
With that thought spinning through his mind, he slipped into sleep.

* * *

Ryn shook his head in frustration.
"No, look. I'll give you gold. Lots of gold. Just do this, and I'll make you a rich... er...man."
Something stirred in the shadows, and Ryn swore.
"I don't have to pay you, you know. I have other ways to make you obey."
Ryn was standing in a backstreet, under the shadows of a stable building.
The smell of horses and sweat was enough to make Ryn want to sneeze.
"Fine. I will have to settle this another way."
Ryn reached for his dagger, hand closing on empty air.
"What...? Oh shit!"
A flicker of movement caught his eye, flashing across an alleyway.
Anger rose in his chest, along with a deep certainty he would never catch the thief. He would have to find another way.
Ryn stormed onto the town, and any who were brave enough to catch his eye promptly looked away.

I think it's fairly good. I'd like to read more, maybe start the story from the beginning or something. How long is it? What is Elyn? He's short and has a tail. I'm imagining something like puss in boots from shrek. I like the dialogue especially. I'm personally a fan of character driven stories, and even though this only gives a small snap shot of the story I think it shows potential for interesting character development.

Kay, I just figured out how to go read the rest of it. So forget most of what I just said haha.

I'm just putting some stuff as I find it, so it might be a bit off lol. So...

The fire had long gone out, plunging the cosy campsite into gloom.

I know this is probably correct, but I still think it sounds better as: had long since gone out.

She then promptly turned lay down

This doesn't sound quite right to me either, maybe: turned to lay down?

He will win her over. He has no choice.

This sounded to me like someone else was narrating the story. I'm imagining some old man sitting by the fire, and telling the audience that lol.

So apparently I just felt slightly nitpicky there. But that's about all I noticed. But aside from that, I'm getting drawn into the story more. It's really intriguing. So, good work.

-Mat (with one 't')

nuttychooky wrote:Tamia looked up at the stranger sitting across from her, lips determinedly pressed together.

I think there might be a way to refrase this. To me, it sounds slighty weird. I would maybe put....
lips pressed together as a determened look was fixed on her face.

I don't know if that would be what you want. But, it's just an example. ><

Tamia looked up at the stranger sitting across from her, lips determinedly pressed together.

Maybe this instead?

Tamia looked up at the stranger sitting across from her; her lips determinedly pressed together.

Otherwise it's a little unclear whose lips are pressed together. Although your original way still seems fine to me.

you have solid melody , but the diolog wasent realistic - youre using them as mouth peices - "Tamia, look. You were alone in the forest, with minimal provisions, and a broken bow. How long do you think you would have lasted? I'm trying to help."
instead of going into elaberotes ,just say it how it is , work your info through the text.

but anyway , i was genrally absorbed . - rod

Plot thickens and all that jazz. You need to space this out with lines between paragraphs and lines of dialogue. And, as Rodent said, some of the dialogue was a bit off. Still, twuz good!

-ST

i think all the corrections and stuff have been pointed out to you and such here, well done i liked it Keep it up!

Meevs
x

Again thoughts in italics please, it'll save all our brains XD. Anyway it's an obvious they're growing a close bond lmao. Anyway nuth banter now on to next part.