All We Need Is A Plan -- Part 2

This is the last part in my Greek myth I made up for my correspondance. It may seem a bit rough in some place, because I've added some stuff quickly. Thanks for any crits.

Time passed rapidly as Zeus and the gods campaigned against the devils. But it was inevitable that all of the human race would soon be pulled into a darkness created not by them, but by their own gods, those who were professed to watch over and protect them. They began to depart from Zeus's view of enlightenment as the creatures - Zeus could not think of them as his children, his sins - embodied temptation itself, working both together to lure the humans to them. Politics in particular encompassed all areas of sin, from lust -those in power, gunning for more, to the public's own greed - hiring lawyers to claim what wasn't rightfully theirs.

Zeus lay in his chambers, thinking of Kako. He tried to tell himself that he was trying to resolve his problems, but his mind kept straying back to the woman herself. Although she was a demon, forbidden fruit, His thoughts were of her hair, her eyes, everything about her. She had been evil; but Zeus had enjoyed being with her all the same.

Zeus sat up and gasped as inspiration struck. "In finding Kako, I managed to find the most evil woman on Earth," he mused. "Could I not also find the purest?" And he smiled, confident that he would be able to save humankind.

He began his search the next day, using Eros's and Aphrodite's powers to aid him. The three of them searched the soul of every woman on Earth from Olympus, instantly forgetting the woman who the sin was obvious in.

When they had narrowed it down to several hundred woman, Zeus travelled to Earth and met the woman personally, under a different guise. He got to know them, and through this process, was able to leave most of the sinners behind. He found that the most common trait in a sinner was pride.

Zeus finally narrowed it down to the purest woman he could find, but he was still riddled with doubt. Would she be pure enough? was the thought which dominated all others. He found her in Brazil.

For almost two years, he spent time with the woman, eventually moving into her house. She lived in the countryside so she could appreciate the beauty, and her home was very humble. Zeus found no flaws within her, until one day when he was in the nearest town.

Zeus was sitting with a stranger, talking to her, and trying to find out more about the people when the woman saw them. He could see her beginning to lose her temper when he saw it within her: envy. The woman never saw him again.

Finally, Zeus had another idea. He immediately called a meeting with the other gods, and made his proposal. Every woman who has ever lived is in Hades, he thought. Maybe the purest of them all resides there already. He would travel into Hades to find the perfect woman. "But if I cannot discover her, I fear we may have to forfeit our war with these creatures, and leave the humans as lost." The other gods were saddened, but didn't disagree. They knew the situation was desperate; Zeus's ragged appearance attested to that.

And so, Zeus finally came to the river Acheron, and the ferryman Charon. Before he stepped onto the boat he gave Charon an Obolus to pay for his passage, and checked that the other was still in his pocket. Without it, there would be no return. If I can't find the woman here, maybe staying would be for the best, Zeus thought. After he was ferried over the murky depths, he came to Hades and Persephone, to whom he offered his greetings, before being admitted to the Elysian Fields, where only the purest souls were allowed.

After entering, he talked to every woman there, using his judgement to measure her purity. All were virtuous, but Zeus knew in his heart that they were not pure enough to bring the humans back to enlightenment.

Depression settled upon him as he left the Fields, and he knew it wouldn't abate. He thanked Hades and Persephone for their hospitality and walked back to the ferry, not bothering to avoid Cerberus as his teeth bared and uttered a soft growl at Zeus. He gave Charon his Obolus and was carried back to the Earth. His head hung low as he returned to Olympus to tell of his news.

All the gods were present for Zeus's speech, but they seemed wary. He knew that the war had tired them. "And so," he finished, "I think the only thing we can do is surrender. I am wearied by this ordeal. It is at moments like these that I long for Hera, that remind me how wonderful she could be through the worst times, how she-"

He gasped, and the other Olympians stared. "Aphrodite! Come with me quickly. We have work to do. And Eros? You may be of use as well. Come with us." The three of them left, Aphrodite and Eros struggling to keep up with Zeus's pace, leaving the other gods to look on in bewilderment.

After being told of the idea, both Aphrodite and Eros set to work. Eros flew around the planet searching for Hera, while Aphrodite used her power to find the love that that still resided in Hera's heart for Zeus. And finally, the three of them found her living in a small cave, near a lake.

Zeus bade the other gods wait at the entrance. As he entered, he heard sobs echoing around the cave. "Hera?" he called, and the crying ceased.

He heard someone running towards him and turned to see Hera, barefoot and in a faded green dress, running towards him. "Zeus!" she cried, and looked at him in wonder. He smiled softly and told her of everything that had passed. Her face showed her shame, but he drew her into his arms and continued to whisper into her ear.

"But there is a pool nearby, by the name of Ayvonta. I am not sure if you were aware, but it is a pool of purity. Anyone who bathes in it is perfected. I want you to do that for me, Hera."

She pulled away slightly and frowned. "Why me? It is my fault that all of this happened. Why not find another woman and ask her to bathe in the pool?"

Zeus looked at her sternly. "I had to think on it for a long time, but I finally realised the truth. I never stopped loving you. I just couldn't accept your faults. It was arrogant of me to do so, but I realise now that I am not without my flaws. The other women were nothing, nothing but a distraction. You too may have your faults, but we were meant to reign together. And now I am begging you to bathe in the pool. Will you do it for me?" She nodded, and ran a hand along the side of his face before leaving the cave. Zeus followed her and watched as she paused, before stepping into the pool. Zeus watched anxiously for her to emerge, pondering the chances of Hera actually living near to the pool. He finally accepted it as a divine providence.

Almost an hour later, the pool flashed, and the light blinded everyone there. Zeus wiped his eyes and gaped as she slowly came up, finally seeming to float on the water, as a woman transformed. Zeus could not fathom what exactly was different, as her appearance was almost unchanged, but she seemed to glow with a radiance he had never seen. She took his hand, and along with Eros and Aphrodite, they travelled back to Olympus. Soon after announcing their return, they retired to their chambers for the task at hand.

And months later, Hera too gave birth to nine children: Chastity, Abstinence, Liberality, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, Humility, Justice, and the last, Freedom. Soon after they were born, Zeus and Hera sent them down to Earth to combat the grasp that Zeus's former group of children had exerted on mankind.

Watching them leave through the gates of Olympus, Hera turned to Zeus. "Is it soon enough? Will they be able to guide the humans back to us?

Zeus frowned slightly. "I don't know, Hera. I really don't." And then they walked back inside, leaving their children to the world.

*****

Zeus looked down upon the Earth, searching for his children. His wandering gaze came across Chastity and he smiled as he saw that he was talking to Politics. But he became concerned when he saw the way Chastity was looking at Politics. He groaned, remembering the way he himself had looked at Kako when he had first seen her.

No, Zeus thought. Don't give in. He looked closer, and began to hear their conversation.

"Forget your duty," Politics said. "There is no-one watching us now. We are away from all prying eyes." She circled him, and he spun, his eyes following after her.

"No," he said, but Zeus could hear the shakiness in his voice. "Our father has set a task, and I must adhere to his rule."

Hera walked into the room, and could see Zeus's concentration. She walked to him and sat down beside him. She put her arm around him and focused her mind, then gasped as she saw Chastity and Politics standing together. "What are they doing together? Where are the others?" Zeus raised a finger to his lips and she fell silent.

"Father, father, father. That's all you ever talk about. You know that you're fighting a losing battle. If you come to our side, we can give you true freedom. We both know that Zeus doesn't want to give humans true freedom. He just wants them under his thumb. I can show you true freedom." She stopped talking and ran a hand through his hair. She pulled him in towards her and whispered in his ear. And that was when Zeus jumped up, breaking his concentration.

Hera looked up at him. "Zeus - I'm sorry. The others shouldn't have let him face Politics alone. We both know how persuasive she can be, and so do they!

He looked at her, and Hera was astonished at the despair his face held. "What have we done? She has Chastity now, and we know she can find the others. She will turn our solution into our downfall. We should have never made them. Maybe the humans would have been able to fend off the beasts before our interference. Now they have no hope. Everything can be, and eventually will be a double edged sword."

Hera stood and put her arms around him. "We can't give up," she said. "If we despair, then we have already lost the battle. We can't do anything if we do give up. So we'll think together, and something will come to us. We can save mankind. All we need is a plan."

Okay, I've edited a lot of the grammar and spelling related stuff, but my tutor wants me to do a heap of stuff about the story, and extension, so I need suggestions. Any help would be awesome.

The first part I need help with (there could be a few!) is the first paragraph. I'm supposed to simplify, and add more detail at the same time. last time I tried, apparently it came out comical lol.

The next part would be the part that starts "But one night, as Zeus lay in his chambers." I need to detail this some more as well. Just add a lot on how he doen it, and stuff. I'm a bit stumped.

I also need someone who knows a lot about Hades to help me out with that part. Probably not many of those around lol!

And that's about it, amazingly enough. So thanks if you can spare the time. It miht look like a lot, but I really appreciate it.

Ack! I'm still working on the first one!
...sorry it's taking so long, but I did have school. no more though! *dance*
anyway, if the comical comment was about my last post, don't worry, that's a good thing. We call that dry humor, my friend, and I love it.
Anyway, I'm almost finished, and I'll look at this one too.

Hades, eh? Hmm... no problem- just like afterlife and hell, right? I know hell...*wicked grin*
um... sorry. In all seriousness, I may be able to find you some good info on that.
bei'theh!

~sworddance

Ack! I'm still working on the first one!

Should I be worried lol? But I asked for it... literally. But seriously, I am grateful for the help. I want to at least look like I've improved from what I got published last year lol! That was a greek myth as well. But they edited it a lot and one part came out a bit questionable. Incidentally, the part the decided to read in assembly. >_>

*sigh* I've been so remiss, and I know it. To prove to you that I have been doing something with my time, I have decided to post for you all the crit on this section that I've done so far. Just so you know, in my revisions and sheka I'm just before the very last segment where Zeus is looking down on Chastity and Politics. It's good, and has me a bit stumped, and when you add that to my random ADD tendencies.... yeah.
On second thought, looking back at my notes, it seems I began to make notes on that last, but haven't begun the thorough revision; ah heck, I'll give you the notes.

Again, forgive the brevity and somewhat curt tone it may produce; that isn't my intention, only to shorten the amount of space my l'il post takes up on your thread
Sooooo here we go.....

"But it was inevitable that all of the human race would soon be pulled into darkness not created by them, but by their gods."
-->Awkward and not strong enough… “created not by them, but by their own gods, those who were professed to watch over and protect them.”
-->pulled into a darkness

"They quickly departed from the Zeus’s view of enlightenment..."
-->This sounds like a past tense, like it already happened and they’re beyond hope; contradicts how the gods are still fighting later.
-->No ‘the’.
-->Really confusing. You mean like he lost hope for them, he thought they’d never become ‘enlightened’, or he could no longer see them in a vision of enlightened future?

"as the creatures (Zeus could not think of them as his children, his sins)"
-->“refused to” is stronger than "could not".
-->No parentheses. Perhaps use dashes; I personally like them better. And this is a run-on-ish phrase. If the emphasis is supposed to be on the ‘his’, then italicize.

"defined temptation"
-->Like embodied? wee bit awkward...

"working both individually and together"
-->awkward

"from lust (people in power - gunning for more), to the publics own greed (hiring lawyers to claim what wasn’t rightfully theirs)."
-->Parentheses are awkward. –those in power, gunning for more-
-->public's

"But one night, as Zeus lay in his chambers, inspiration struck."
-->You’re right; needs more detail. Perhaps add a paragraph about what he was thinking before this inspiration came, maybe about Kako herself.

"...most evil woman on Earth,” he mused, “could..."
-->…mused. “Could…

"And he began the search the next day, along with the help of Aphrodite and Eros. He asked them to hone their powers and search for a woman of complete purity. They searched all of Earth for the perfect woman, but to no avail. Zeus examined every woman on Earth, but found none suitable."
-->Waaaaay too brief, and needs stronger language.

"They searched all of Earth for the perfect woman, but to no avail. Zeus examined every woman on Earth, but found none suitable."
-->Repetitive. You tell us essentially the same thing twice.

"Finally, Zeus had another idea."
-->Weak. Expand.

"He immediately called a meeting with the other gods, and made his proposal. Every woman who has ever lived is in Hades, he thought."
-->He’s supposed to be holding a meeting, so why are you still giving thoughts? Give us speech, say what he told them.

"testified to that fact."
-->Just ‘attested to that’ is better.

"Acheron"
-->Acheron or Styx? Styx is the underworld river or Greek mythology, and Acheron one of its branches. From what I get, Acheron is an actual river, but Styx the myth one, but Acheron seems to replace Styx in Dante’s Inferno. This isn't critique so much as an "I'm-curious" question

"Without it, there would be no return. If I can’t find the woman here, maybe that would be for the best..."
-->Connect these two, so we understand what he meant by ‘that.’ It’s a little unclear here.

"After entering, he talked to every woman there, using his godly senses to find her purity. All were virtuous, but Zeus knew in his heart that they were not pure enough to bring the humans back to enlightenment. Depression settled upon him as he left the Fields, and he knew it would persist. He thanked Hades and Persephone for their hospitality and walked back to the ferry."
-->Again, too brief. Doesn’t convey everything Zeus would be feeling here.

"using his godly senses"
-->Hmm. Reminds me of ‘using his spidey senses’; too weak, too thrown-in seeming.

"All the gods were present for Zeus’s speech. “And so,” he finished,"
-->bit of a jump.

"It is at moments like these that I long for Hera..."
-->Um, that’s rather personal for him to be sharing with the other gods.

"how she-”. "
-->no period. Preferably new paragraph as you jump to his action, too.

"Eros flew around the planet searching for Hera, while Aphrodite used her power to find the love that that still resided in Hera’s heart."
-->Again, too much spidey sense and used-their-fill-in-the-blank-power, not sophisticated enough.

"bid the other gods to wait"
-->bade. past tense.
-->Take out the "to"

"by the name of Ayvonta"
-->You need to tell us why he didn’t just chuck some woman in there before he had this great realization. Perhaps very few women could survive the ordeal, or something.

"The other woman were nothing"
-->women, plural

"And now I am asking, no, begging you..."
-->Too melodramatic, not enough finesse with its use.

"He finally accepted it as a divine providence."
-->Ack! He is the divine!

"And months later, Hera too gave birth to nine children: Chastity, Abstinence, Liberality, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, Humility, Justice, and the last, Freedom."
-->Lovely. I wouldn’t touch this sentence.

"Liberality"
-->Is this a comment on conservatives? >.< j/k

"Watching them leave through the gates of Olympus, Hera turned to Zeus."
-->When you go from narrative generalities to character specific actions, move to new paragraph.

"smiled as he saw that he was talking to politics"
-->Politics. Capital P.

"...remembering the way he himself had looked at Kako when he had first seen her. No, Zeus thought. Don’t give in."
-->He would recognize that look from looooong experience, not just one.
-->Also, his actual thought gets lost that way. New paragraph or italicize or something.

"Hera walked into the room, and could see Zeus’s concentration. She walked to him and sat down beside him. She put her arm around him and focused her mind. She gasped as she saw Chastity and Politics standing together."
-->Sentence variation needed here. She, she, she, and single action short structure.

"We both know how persuasive she can be, and so do they!
-->Missing quotation. I left mine off just so you'd see it

"Now they have no hoped."
-->hope


Aight, looks like that's all I've got so far. I'll come back and edit this and finish it all up for you, honest.
See, I was working on it!
But for now, bei'theh!

~sworddance

(oh gods, how long is it? *pushes preview button*)

Thanks, Sword. I'e just finished smoothing out some rough patches on the story in its actual document, and I'll probably re-edit when I hear back from my tutor.

Oh, and I said that thing about divine providence as some sort of weird joke. I have an odd sense of humour, lol. So, I feel like leaving that. :p