The Map Maker

18 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Within a nest of charts and diagrams, Phyllis Brook bumbled about, mumbling to himself. He was never at rest, filled with a restless, frenetic energy that saw him propelled all about his small shop. Maps, in all their wondrous variety, covered the entire building. Beautiful, antique, hand drawn maps; exquisitely detailed, lovingly made examples of a burning obsession.

The bell above the door tinkled suddenly, rooting the old man to the spot. His head whipped around, pinning the unfortunate boy with his gaze. It was hard to say who was more surprised: the man, at being interrupted in his latest creation, or the boy, at being confronted by a little old man with electric blue eyes and a head of white hair that stuck up every which way.

The stalemate lasted a few moments more. The boy nodded at him, breaking the spell, and entered the shop. He was an oddly serious child, the mapmaker could see, dressed in a maroon and grey school uniform. His blonde head was glancing around, fascinated by all the maps.

Phyllis smiled, uneasy. "Hello there, young man. What can I do for you?" he said, hands wringing nervously. His loose, dry skin shrivelled with each passing caress, liver spots rolling.

"I'm meant to be doing an assignment for school," the boy said, by way of explanation. "On maps," he added.

The old man beamed. "Well then you've come to the right place, lad, yes indeed! Oho!" He was all but clapping with glee. "The name is Phyllis," he said, shaking the young boy's hand. His hand lingered, at the feel of smooth, creamy flesh. He turned away, back to the recesses of the room.

"My name is Tim, sir, pleasure to meet you," the boy said to Phyllis' retreating back. He thought nothing of the old man's reticence, more interested in what the shop had to offer. He walked over to the wall on the right, where a large map was hung like a tapestry. Hills, trees, mountains, individual cottages were all shown in striking detail.

The material it was aged with fine cracks, but somehow, was still soft to the touch. It felt familiar somehow. Above the plains, in large fancy writing it said: Lycrea. He frowned. He hadn't ever heard of such a country. So intent was he on the map, that Phyllis' approach went unnoticed.

"I have maps of every country and every world," Phyllis whispered in Tim's ear.

The boy jumped, a small shriek escaping his throat. "What the hell! You shouldn't sneak up on people," he said, heart pounding.

The old man blinked, surprised. "Did I scare you?" he asked, a sly look on his face. "Dear me boy, you should have heard me a mile away. No matter, I can see you have a fine appreciation of my work," he said.

Still wary, Tim nodded. "Yes, they're quite lovely. And very old: were they passed down to you?" he asked, enthused.

"No, I made them all." This statement was made with pride, as if daring the boy to challenge him.

"This one in particular," Tim continued. "It says Lycrea, but I've never heard of such a place and the material... I've never seen anything like it."

Phyllis stared at the boy, eyes lidded. For the first time, he stood completely still, seeming to gather himself. "You can see that, can you?" he said, licking his lips. Puzzled, Tim nodded once more. Phyllis placed the book he had retrieved from the back, on a cluttered table nearby.

"Not many people can see the truth," he said, walking to the door. He locked it, turning back to face the school boy. "Such individuals are unique."

"Why did you lock the door?"

Phyllis came over toward the child, kneeling so they were face to face. He smiled at the boy's fear. "Lycrea is a far off place, lad, a much distant world," he said, ignoring the question. "And the material this map is made from, ah, it is a fine thing indeed. It lasts the longest, as you can see, but alas, its usage has long since faded in this realm of men... till now." He grinned, revealing sharp teeth that gleamed.

When had it gotten so dark? "I want to go home now," Tim said, backing away from the mad old man.

"I'm afraid its too late for that, Timmy," Phyllis said, herding the boy calmly into the back room. "I specialise in unique maps you see."

Tim stumbled, crashing to the ground behind the counter. He got the man's meaning well enough. "People aren't maps!"

"Oh but they are. Every little line on your face, every scar and mole," he reached out, running a hand lightly over the boy's face. "Tells a story; your skin becomes a map of your life. And I, am the Map Maker." A silver gleam in his other hand drew Tim's eye. He screamed as the knife flashed toward him.

"Yes, you will make a fine map indeed." Crooning softly, he dragged the body into the back and set to work.
Last edited by Jiggity on Sun Apr 22, 2007 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 25
Very twisted. Hooked me right away. I love the creepiness of the Map Maker and the naive boy. The story is quite a sucess. Good job.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Yay. Thanks for the comment haha, glad I can still creep people out.

~Sinister Jigster.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4890
Reviews 516
Ooo, this made me shiver all over Jig. But it was great in it's unique creepy way. Lol, I loved the whole concept. I didn't really think that the old man would end up killing the little boy. I thought that maybe he would lock him within one of the maps or something, like make him go to a new world...but he made him into a map? *shudder* I didn't expect that at all lol. This is an excellent short story! ...or is there going to be more to this? Great job Jig, awesome detail and character development in so little a story.

~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Yay, my power to creep out only increases! *cackles*

Truly, the Sinister Jigster has out-sinistered himself. *dances*

Thanks for the comment, Rieda! And that is actually not a bad idea...trapping the boy in a map/sending him to another world but perhaps purposeless. Nothing in it for the old boy.

Yeah, I think Im going to let it rest as a short story, although some day I might like to relate his adventures in discovering and recording the geography of the worlds...

Cheers.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 6831
Reviews 594
...Ew! You are one twisted writer, Jigs.

*laughs* I mean, this was pretty fantastic, but... I cannot believe you go the places you do with these stories.

One comment - the "you scared me" part didn't seem to fit as well and jumped out as cheesy. But that's just me.

You are messed up beyond all reason, but that's what makes your stories unique. Keep it up, I suppose... ;)
Love and Light




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 16552
Reviews 376
Ooh, very nice. Very nice, indeed. The very first thing I noticed was your wonderful beginning. Very engrossing.

The bell above the door tinkled suddenly, rooting the old man to the spot. His head whipped around, pinning the unfortunate boy to the spot.


You use "the spot" here twice and it felt redundant. I'm not sure if you meant to do this or not. And no blaming it on me if you use "tresses" or something like that. :wink:

The stalemate lasted a few more moments. The boy nodded at him, breaking the spell, and entered the shop.


Hm. I might go with "a few moments more." Then again, maybe not. Just a suggestion.

His blonde head was glancing around, fascinated by all the maps.


I notice you write things like this a lot, and I would like to try and point it out to you. You seem to assign awkward actions to nouns. Heads, I might say, don't glance, but people do. You could argue that point, but to me, it still sounds awkward.

The material [s]it was drawn on[/s] was aged [s]and[/s] with fine cracks [s]showed[/s] but [s]somehow, it[/s] was [s]still[/s] soft to the touch, [s]It felt[/s] familiar [s]somehow[/s].


Hm. I think less is better here.

The boy jumped, a small shriek escaping his throat. "You scared me!" he accused, holding his heart.


This seemed rather hokey. "You scared me!" just doesn't seem to cut it. All the dialogue in this section could be worked on.

Lovely ending. Nice turn of events. And a very interesting concept. I really liked this one.
Perception is everything.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Lol, excellent. Thanks Crysi, creepiness is appropriate from me I think XD. Erm, I changed the "You scared me,"--hopefully its moderately better. Dialogue isn't always my strong point, I falter there more then anywhere else I think and the boy... well, he was more a means to an end.

I know the Map Maker though, hope to visit him again one day. Thanks for the comments, tis most appreciated.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6523
Reviews 657
He was never at rest, filled with a restless, frenetic energy that saw him propelled all about his small shop.

The word rest is in here twice.

"Such individuals are unique."

Aren't all individuals unique? It sounds funny. Maybe you could use a different word?

That's awesome! The ending was really perfect. It was surprising, but because of the foreshadowing, didn't seem random.

I like how the mapmaker seems in the beginning like a simple old man, and by the end, he's a killer.

I don't understand what Phyllis means when he says the boy can see the truth. Are the maps invisible to most people, or just that one? A little explanation would be nice.

Apart from that, no nit picks. ^_^ I love your writing style.

-Jenna
Jennafina's Love Your Body Already Dammit Campaign

forum353.html

(To find out what it really is, just click.)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Heh, thanks Jenna. The maps aren't invisble, its just that most people would see a normal map or some such. Thanks for the comments.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 61
Ooh! I like it. It reminds me of Sweeney Todd.

For some reason, I'd like to see the introduction to the story written from Tim's POV instead of Phyllis'. I don't know, I think it would make Phyllis' character more mysterious in a way. :P

Good work!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
But...but...I dont like Tim! Although it might have more impact if the main character died...eh, I did that in A Collector's Art, lol.

A friend of mine pointed out that most of my characters get turned into inanimate objects; an enternity of stasis, which is kinda freaky lol...but totally off track.

Thanks for your comment!!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3762
Reviews 201
I must say, the ending surprised me; I was totally not expecting the maps to be people! I thought it was a legend of some sorts, and Tim was to go on a quest. Alas, Tim's only quest is to be pinned to a wall... and drawn on.

The Map Maker's a creepy guy. I hope I never run into him.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Lol, the ending was meant to be a surprise, but I never said that all the maps were people. Unique people who could see through the illusion were then killed and transformed.

...

Maybe I should make that clearer; thanks for your comment!!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 16552
Reviews 376
I never got the impression they were all maps, Jig. I wouldn't worry about it.
Perception is everything.



how can i live laugh love in these conditions
— Orion42