I’m a burden.
I was the catalyst that raised the flames.
Made your life hell and even wished it upon you.
Held teary eyes to your face of emotionless.
Wished you would care only sparking agitation.
I know I wasn’t what you wanted.
I’m too depressed, and dead inside.
I’m too unlikely to give you happiness.
I wish too much when I know there’s little.
I raise my mind above the average child.
My palms clutched prizes that I’d invented.
I knew there was no true love to be shared.
I’ve created most of what’s raised my lips,
In that odd angle some may call a smile
But you, you destroy it, thank you.
I put on a front for all to see.
Only breaking when times are wrong,
And punished after, for what was once important to share.
I guess no one really wanted to know,
What happens when I lock myself away.
Antisocial, thoughts of suicide.
I wish my burden would spark and catch fire,
So that in your eyes, that flame would blind.
And you’d have to see what made me do it.
You’d have to see why I need to be here.
It’s a sad truth, having to hide,
Pain that would nevertheless send me to therapy.
Rot in my soul and spoil my dark side,
With thoughts of sweet misery.
I hope that you smell it.
In piles and piles of unhappy days
I could bury myself twice over.
And hope that you knew that I was gone
And perhaps see that wicked glint in your eyes.
That’s what happened when I wasn’t there.
If only you knew how close I am,
To breaking and shattering in pieces of nothing.
Hollow nothingness, bare and empty,
Dim and doused with forgotten fear.
I only hope that I’m gone too soon for you to notice.
Please, just spare me before then.
I want to hurt before my time,
And hopefully learn that tough-love lesson
Whether it’s magnified or made up.
I’ll learn to deserve my peace.
Maybe if I do better, just maybe I can find myself.
Just maybe this isn’t all that I can be.
Just maybe your apology will mean shit.
Just maybe you won’t burst in my room to say you’re sorry,
If only to make yourself feel better.
I’m an object to be moved around.
I apparently don’t know what to feel.
I apparently need demeaning words thrown in my direction.
Though, if you think I’ll sit back and watch you hurt me,
You’re wrong. I’m left alone, and alone I feel.
It’s all I can do, to feel.
So much I feel powerless to move at all.
Put on a proverbial crutch, with a plastered smile
Originated for the purpose of your enjoyment.
You’ll need me when I’m gone, even if you’ll never want me.
But I’m here for now
To lean on your undesirable shoulder
To cry to you when I’m half dead inside
To spill from my mouth makeshift stories
I’m here even though that fire inside of me, is now candlelight to your cold embrace.
