A scene from my book: Clan blood: EDITED AND ADDED

full version is done.....

full version down for refurbishing...sorry.....

Hey Sean!

This was a pretty good start - you had some good characterization of Tyr and Caer and I am very interested to see where this is going.

Detail-Dumping

To use Snoink's infamous phrase. Detail dumping is where you dump a bunch of information on the reader all at once. It tends to disinterest readers and distract from your characters. Your first and third to last paragraphs (the large ones) are detail dumps. I do like having some of the information you gave us, but it was too much too soon in too close a proximity. I suggest sprinkling these details throughout your story or even this first section. As a reader, I want to meet your characters and invest myself emotionally in the story or at least be intrigued. I don't want to have my head filled with information. Cut down on some of the large detail dumps and you'll keep the reader's interest.

Phrasing

There were many spots in this piece where the phrasing was very confusing. If I have more time later today, I will go through and point some of these out, but you also need to be able to pick out these phrases. My suggestion? Read it aloud. Read it all aloud and if something makes you feel uncomfortable, toy with it. Twill help a lot.

Nice start here and keep writing. I await the next installment if there will be one. I'll come back and nitpick if I have more time. See ya around! PM me if you ever need anything.

I liked this a lot

There were a few things that I noticed that, structurally, could be tightened...

1)While your description at the begining is fantastic it is a litlle much for the opening paragraph. If you were to simply re-arange it so that:
[Traveling down the steep rocky path that ancient wind and water had carved, the young boys laughed cheerily, merry to be home once again. ]
comes first I think that it would help to grab the attention of the reader.

2)"asked Caer" "Scolded Caer" "started Tyr" "Growled Tyr" "Spoke Tyr" "shouted Wryil", Ok, so you fell into a bit of a pattern? This stands out in your writing, and you don't really want your writing to stand out for being repetitive, your vocab. and your descritions are relly great so readers should notice that instead. You developped your characters enough and your dialogue is even (meaning that you don' have one character talking more than once in a row) so you don't need to label each piece of the dialogue, most of the time we will be able to deduct who is speaking without you telling us. Many of your sentences fell into a repetitive format as well, but it shouldn't be too hard to remedie once you know you're doing it (I have always had issues with falling into a pattern, all of my english teachers have ground their teath at my writing at one point or another because of it ) if you have problems...or questions I may be able to answer for you, feel free to PM me

3)"I’ll ask her to make some of those Leoreien Cakes shemakes so tasty" This one is kind of minor, but the repetition of "make(s)" again draws readers out of the story itself to try and figure out why the sentence they just read didn't sound right, a sujestion: the 2nd "makes" could be replaced by that are


Again I really liked this, will you be posting more of Caer's andTyr's story?...please?
-Gen

im taking this down along with all my other blooded work specificall because i am ree writng most of it agian and would not be bothered by more coments than i already got, (around 70). thanks for all your support and the new version will be up as soon as its finished, but i may very well write the chapter through so give me at least a month ok?. thanks for the bump up in the rating, the majority of the rest is actually less bloody, only his memories are.

this will be copied to all posts by me until i figure out how to record all responses before topic deletion.