Just Us

The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground,
tickling the clouds as we rise
higher
and higher,
just us,
together in the swirling wind.

Nothing else matterd

you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile back,
I feel a tingle run along my back,
up to my head and down to my chest
I softly close my eyes
has I lift my hand and touch you on the face....

My heart beats faster

colors come together
kneading in and out around us
but we stay still has your lips touch mine
and you hold me
closer
and closer..
just us
together in the swirling wind.

It feels nice

we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

us...

Okay, first off, I'll say that I liked this a lot, though I do have some points to bring up.

I softly close my eyes

I don't like "softly" in this line. It sound funny and made me think "Softly close eyes? How do you do that?" Some other adjective would work fine; I think if you didn't have anything there, it would sound jerky.

kneeding in and out around us

Even though you spelled "kneading" wrong, I loved this line, it just sounded cool.

It feels nice

we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

Us...

I like this too, thoug I don't think you should capitalize the "u" in the last "us" and while I like the idea of the three dots (what are they called again, lol?) I felt weird about them. Don't ask me why though, it might just be my current mood.

Overall, it was a moderately-good to good poem.

Hee...I'm flattered. Somebody's been reading my stuff...lol

Wow. For being 11, you rock at the whole romance thing. Now, for some 'what i liked'...

'I feel a tingle run along my back.'- This whole line is great. Of course, I've never been kissed, but if you get this feeling when the guy even talks to you, it's obviously going to feel like what you personified in your poem.

And I like the ending. Possibly for reasons you know of...lol. it's kind of drifting off and very peaceful..the kind of the whole mood you create throghout the entire poem.

Well done.

The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground,
i think you mean as not has

it was ok overall. there was too little sensory detail in my opinion.

Right firstly enjoyed this poem however with every poem there is something wrong

The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground, <<<<<<<<<<--- 'has' should be 'as'
tickling the clouds as we rise <- 'as' twices sounds funny so you could change it to 'while' up to you
higher
and higher,
just us,
together in the swirling wind.

Good stanza nice opening...

Nothing else matterd

you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile back,
I feel a tingle run along my back,
up to my head and down to my chest
I softly close my eyes
has I lift my hand and touch you on the face.... 'has' should be 'as' again... unless I'm missing something

My heart beats faster

colors come together
kneading in and out around us
but we stay still has your lips touch mine <-- 'has' - 'as'
and you hold me
closer
and closer..
just us
together in the swirling wind.

It feels nice <---- WEAK line it just dampens all you've written before hand

we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

us...

Nice ending

"we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

us..." The way you ended your poem was awesome... I really like the beggining too. But I think the middle of your poem could use a tiny bit fixing.

ok, first i would like to say great poem just a couple suggestions.

you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile back,
I feel a tingle run along my back,

right here you say the word "back" too much try this
"you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile,
I feel a tingle run down my spine,"
you also say along twice so i fixed that in my example also.

has I lift my hand and touch you on the face....

in this part i noticed that it says "has" were it should say "as", also, instead of "touch you on the face" i would put "touch your face". this makes it flow better.

i found nothing else to fix i hope this helps pm me if you have any questions