Second Chances

~*~ Second Chances ~*~

Lacking the will to maintain the pain
Of loneliness, amorphous memories remain
Of never tasting the decadence the elixir of love contains
So I'll chance you and pray blessings cascade
Mistake #1 was trading sensation for communication
Which birthed vast gray spaces much like cloud formations
Was it just my sexuality that sparked your imagination?
Hopefully not, cuz that heart on my sleeve is more than decoration
Spontaneity is the salt that adds spice to your life
So set the truth on the table and I'll name the price
Put your soul in my palm and I'll roll the dice
And never sample the Devil's pie or offer me a slice
Then our emotions will become our greatest contender
That's a battle worth losing, so why not surrender?
Because a gift like that is recognized by it's splendor
Nothing else comes even close, or touch is more tender
"Good things happen to those who wait" they say
So I'll remain patient until what's real comes my way
Now I'm hoping you'll show me the true you one day
And make our future colorful instead of 12 shades of gray...


Yeah....that's one of my favorites outta the whole book

Anyway, anybody that knows me knows this is a draft and I don't break my neck to make things rhyme sometimes (I just say it and write it down)

.:: Comments? ::.

I like the rhyming in this and how it seems to help the flow roll along really well. Parts of it were a bit confusing and could be clarified, but that might just be me...otherwise I can't think of anything else to say about this other than that it was definitely good!

I actually don't like the rhyming. I would prefer to see what you've written that isn't as forced as this.

But really. Some of the words you used aren't even real words, such as "cuz." I mean, if you want to use the proper abbreviation of the word, you should write "'cause." Why? 'Cause.

And remember, spell out your numbers!

Maybe if the rhyming was alternate, that woulda work. I like the angsty-romance in this one too. And I love the last line: And make our future colorful instead of 12 shades of gray... That was so cool. Lol.

I agree with what Snoink said, and I also think you should try putting it into stanza's.

I agree that the rhyming helps the flow. It's nice to read it aloud. =) I didn't really see anything that I would try to "fix." It's a really nice piece. ^_^

I love it, but I don't liek the way you said "Hopefully not, cuz" as it seemed a bit too colloquial in relation to the rest of the poem. I'd also spell "cuz" cause, if you want to keep it in. You have some amazing imagery and for the most part your language is great, but I'd add some commas to help the flow, and some full stops as you'd end up totally out of breath if you were trying to read this aloud!

I like it. The rhythm is fantastc, your vocabulary is good and your imagery is beautiful. I'm not so sure about the rhyming though. In some places it's brilliant and it pushes the rhythm on and on, building the tension and atmosphere but then you get to a forced rhyme and it brings it all back down. I think you need to try and keep the flow going. The raw emotion behind this is good though and it has potential so keep up the good work!