You know critiques are all opinion, right? Don't change your piece to please others, just change it or leave it be to please yourself. When I first read this, it screamed 'spoken word' and it still does... As I re-read this piece and there are all the comma and stops, it works, it's more presentable.
One thing: The last three lines all end with a period, and originally it worked better. Now you would have a full stop between those words and it seems kind of hiccupy. I'd find if 'So cruel' and So real' were just connected with a comma, there would be greater impact on that last single word.
This is just how I see it, others or you may think differently, but it's all opinion, right?
For the future, did you know you can edit your posts, so you don't have to erase them when you want to change something? When looking at one of your posts an Edit box is at the top right hand corner. And from experience and advice given, it's good to post your original along with your re-edited piece of work. It gives the critiquer something to compare.
The surrounding world
was an ugly one,
but we needed no beauty
other than the light
within each other's eyes. - "Modern World" * topic15452
