Last Time Today

You open the door,
yeah it's her.
lying there on the floor.
Do you know why?
Because you hit her for the last time today.
She said it was over,
you told her not to leave the house.
then you pushed her to the floor.
She cried,
and you walked out the door.
But you told her not to leave.
So she didn't,
she is still there...
on the floor of your bedroom.
And do you know why?
Because you hit her for the last time today.

Still as emotive as before, but much better now it's longer.

Repetition works well and the last line is great.

This line still isn't fab, but its only my opinion:

and she said she wouldn't, couldnt do this anymore.

Great work,
Alainna
xxxxxx

Oooh you have made it longer

I like it more now, but still:

Because you hit her for the last time today,
and she said she wouldn't, couldnt do this anymore.

Sorry But i think these lines sound kind of stiff and 'heard to read', read your poem out loud, i just dont think these lines flow very well.

Other than that well done!

Meevs
x

This was very good! I can't zigackly crit it, but I thought the message put across was very well put.

-ST