VINE GIRL chapter 1 part 1

n/a

"Jess!!Stop!" But I couldn't stop, not even for my friend. I needed revenge.

You don't need two exclamation points after Jess, one does the job just fine. Any more and it loses it's meaning!!!!!
(see)

I could feel his fear, feel his anger, feel his rasping breath.

You don't have to say 'feel' quite that many times. I doubt the reader is going to think anything other than it unless you tell them so.


Is this a whole chapter? It's very short. Actiony I'll say. Defiantly has action. Your use of description is lovely, I could really picture what was going on...kind-of.

Getting stuff to your reader:

You don't want to be so suspenseful that your reader will be like "What the hell just happened?" Throughout the whole thing. Even if you plan for one of those "oh" moments at the end. Or want to jump out and say "Surprise!" Because guess what? By that point they'll have given up! Don't want that. So give more details as to what is going on. You have a nearly infinite amount of space to fill with words, use it!

I like your start, it has a ton of potential!!!! Keep it up! and feel free to PM if you have any questions!

=D JC

I think this is a great start!
And I don't mind all the "feels" you put in there. It's just a style that shouldn't be used to many times in one story, but I think using it there complimented the story satisfactorily. It's okay to have adventurous beginnings too, it can help to engage a reader right away. I do agree, however, that your story will have to calm down sometime soon, but I think you know that. It certainly has some potential, though!

"Jess! Stop!" But I couldn't stop, not even for my friend. I needed revenge.

Gap between the words. One sentence starts and another begins. You might want to consider as well: "Jess, stop!"

You might also want to add, I heard [insert character's name] call out.

Cold sweat dripped down [s]and[/s] into my eyes

unnecessary.

I could feel his fear, feel his anger, feel his rasping breath.

unnecessary repetition of 'feel': I could feel his fear, his anger, his rasping breath.

General:

Why was a man fleeing in fear from a girl? Surely he could have defeated her on his own? I think, perhaps you should give reason.

The whole being hung thing was hazy and unclear. If it was just a trap why did the man have such a horrified look on his face? I was under the impression someone, or something was behind her and that she was about to be attacked. You definetly need to think about spacing out these actions so its clearer, less jumbled.

On the whole, its not too bad. Keep writing.