Operation

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Points 1618
Reviews 58
The National Bank



The bank was very busy and everyone in the bank had a purpose or reason to be there which tied in with banking. Whether it was being a customer, having a security job or having a banking job. Except for one person. She was sitting on a chair next to the water cooler with a schoolbag on her knee. She was dressed in very inconspicuous clothing and was doing something very inconspicuous. No one noticed her, even when they were getting a drink from the water cooler. And why should they. Why should you notice a young schoolgirl with shiny blonde hair wearing grey school uniform with her grey schoolbag resting on her knees. She suddenly moved her head to the right and a few people looked at her. For a few seconds. Then they went back to there business. She was only a schoolgirl. Nothing important there.

“ What is it?” She hissed quietly. Everyone around her was oblivious to her existence and when they did notice her it was only for a few seconds. Just a schoolgirl. Nothing important there.

“ I’ve done it.” A small voice sounded in the girl’s ear.

“ The camera’s aren’t recording? There isn’t a tape in? Or have you erased both of us from the videos and recordings?”

“ Erased us both.”

“ Well done. You’re better than my last partner. You know what he did when we had an operation like this?”

“ What did he do?”

“ He made sure the camera’s weren’t recording. And my first partner on operations like this one took the tape out.”

“ And I thought I had the worst partners.” The girl giggled silently.

“ Operation is going ahead. Meet you on National crest.” The girl stood up and swung her bag so that it was on her shoulder. She stood in front of the water cooler and put her bag on the floor. She unzipped the bag and brought out a small nozzle. She carefully and quickly attached the nozzle so that it was on the water cooler. She took a cup and filled it with cold water from the blue nozzle. The white nozzle was for warm water; the blue nozzle for cold water and the black nozzle, the girl had just attached, was the most important of the three. She took her small plastic cup filled with cold water and unzipped bag back to the chair she had been sitting on previously. She sat on the chair again and sipped at the water. Her hand shot into the bag and brought out a small translucent plastic bag of brightly coloured sweets. She selected several red ones and popped the sweet bag back into the schoolbag. She zipped up the schoolbag and swung it over her shoulder again as she stood up. She held the bright red sweets in one hand and as she walked over to the black climate control box in a secluded corner of the bank dropped several of them, each in different places. No one really noticed the sweets, they were too busy. When the girl reached the climate control box, she opened it and twisted the temperature dial until it read 40 degrees. She closed the box and walked over to the giant National crest on the floor in the centre of the bank. As she went she dropped the sweets until there were none left in her hand. As she reached the crest a door opened on the other side of the bank and a blonde haired young man also wearing a grey school uniform made a beeline for her. When he reached her he gathered her up in a hug. As she was being hugged the girl looked up at one of the numerous clocks on the banks walls and cried out.

“ We need to get home quickly!” She said hurriedly.

“ Why?” Asked the young man.

“ Look at the time. If we’re not home in 10 minutes Mum is so going to ground us for the rest of our lives.” The young man looked at the clock and yelped. He grabbed hold of the girl’s hand and they both ran out of the bank. They sprinted down the street until they rounded a corner onto Queen Street. They both stopped and the girl peeked round the corner so that the bank was in full view. There were several loud bangs and black smoke billowed out of the banks front doors at an alarming rate. The girl smiled and looked at the young man.

“ Operation Blank Schoolgirl successfully completed.”
The opposite of courage is not cowardice but conformity

Bee is in the house bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




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Points 890
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Point number one; paragraphs! Dont give the read massively big blocks of text to wrestle their way through.

Point number two; CATCH THEIR ATTENTION. First paragraph is VITAL and quite frankly honey, if it wasn't that you hadn't gotten any reviews yet I wouldn't have read it. It didn't catch my eye, nor attention in the first few lines. I had to actually force myself to read it. That is NOT good for a story.

Point three; please, please, don't repeat words! 'inconspicuous' is great for the vocabulary, really really BAD for the story. Especially when you're using it to describe an action, or appearance. It's fine if you used the phraze 'trying to look inconspicuous' but it's too much of a mouthful to use twice in the same sentence. Try a different word, 'looking bland, blank' etc rather than 'inconspicuous'. Gods, that was laborous.

Now, good news! Storyline wasn't that bad...just slow...really slow...speed it up a bit! give us paragraphs, lots and lots of paragraphs, like split the big blocks of action into smaller, sectioned off bits of action.

Good effort though.

tata mwa!
Come, take My hand and walk with Me, walk with Me in the Shadows.

Tis better to have the world think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.




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Points 1698
Reviews 84
It was an interesting story. However, it leaves me with the following questions:

The whole middle paragraph, (describing the sweets and water cooler, etc.) left me a little bit puzzled. I agree that splitting it into paragraphs would help. I didn't particularly see the need to describe the water cooler or the nozzles and their temps. Very interesting idea, but it didn't really go with the flow of the story.

I was also confused with the dialogue before this paragraph. Was the voice in her ear the blonde boy? And what did he mean?

It seems to me that a little schoolgirl all alone in a bank would make people wonder. Seems like someone would offer her a cookie or ask where her parents were, or something like that. Don't necessarily change it for me, though. I'd rather read about a kid than some middle aged woman.

Okey Dokey, and in general...
You describe things pretty well, but it tends to be repetitive. So if you're going to describe something several times (Like having her backpack in her lap, an inconspicuous schoolgirl) Think of different ways to phrase it. I don't think it will be too hard for you, since you seem to describe things pretty obviously. (Which in this case is a good thing.)


So pretty good story overall. It caught my interest, and i definitely didn't expect the ending.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
-Michael Pritchard



"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind