Ice Cubes #15

Taken down due to publishing

We sat on the school field, tugging at the grass. We hated P.E, we really did, but in some ways it was the best because we got to muck around. Our P.E teacher was a lesbian and had a huge mole on her arm, it had three hairs coming out of it. We were listening to Sappy’s mp3 player, it was small and white and was in the shape of a blob, she said it was her alien.

In an earlier chapter you said that Jaimy and Sappy didn't have P.E together. And now they do? You might want to shed some light on that topic...

“Saffron, Jamiy come back over ere’!”

If there persons going to say 'ere without the H the ' comes in place of the missing letter, as opposed to after the word. In most cases.

“Well, I’m his girlfriend now,”

“Sappy, I told you not to be a slut,”

“I wasn’t, besides, he was going to break up with her anyway,”

These all have something in common...do you know what it is?
There should be a period in place of the comma if you're not going to continue the sentence.

Could you please explain what rounders is? Some people-like me-have absolutely no clue what it is. Even just like one sentence would work.

Something you seem to do a lot is switch from past to present tense, and I hadn't really noticed it all that much until stupididiot93 pointed it out and now it's a lot more noticable. You might want to fix that ASAP before you have to go back when you're finished and edit like three hundred pages like that...

-JC

About the Pe thing, was that they couldnt get changed together, not the actual lesson

Rounders is a boring as hell game where you have to run around with a baseball bat lol

Meevs
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Edited

This piece was good, but was a little dryer than your other pieces. Explain what is going on in P.E. at the time and why Jamiy and Sappy can sit aside and listen to an mp3 player. Also explain what rounder is. Also what happened with Chris? It seems that he just disappeared. I think Sappy should know about it or something to keep it in. Than again that is just my opinion abd others may not want. If you don't think it will work don't add it. It is your book.

I decided that Sappy would not know about this, as Sappy is based on my real best friend I decided that well I probably wouldn't want her knowing things like that, especially as Jamiy still dosen't know what's going on his head, not saying she won't find out later, she might but for now she won't know. Thanks for the review!

Meevs
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Hey Meevs. One thing here, did you stick to the same tense? I'm not really sure. I was a bit confused lol.

Its hot out, its strange how over the years it has got hotter

Both of those its should be it's, as in it is.

its global warming obviously, we get ranted at about it in geography.

*It's again. And they talk about Global Warming in Geography? I thoguht that was all map reading lol. Not that I would listen. My teacher in that is horrible.

But what I liked about P.E was our group, we had two of the ‘cool kids’ in our group and well, now they were the ones picked last because everyone hated them, its called karma.

That makes me love karma so much lol. Anyways, that's all I got... and I managed to add in my own personal rant about school, so we all win.

I dod change tenses a lot by accident in Ice Cubes! But the new version is all sorted, like all the same tense. It's also verrrrry different to the Ice Cubes on here now! Thanks for reviewing!

All the best,
Meevs
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