Dancing Girl

Just a note: Crysi, I may submit this, so look at your own peril (she's an editor of the school lit mag, see).


She was a dancing
girl. One of those
tooskinny-makeup-overload
types with a fake
smile plastered
on her face, more
stiffly than the
bright wig
perched on
her head.

Red songs sung by blue girls
meshed together
on the blue-green
afternoon gold
of a summer night
in the city.

Together they formed
a lightening show.

Loved that. Its simple and effective, it works so well and has a lovely flow. Nothing more to be said.

Meevs
x

I liked this. The only thing that stuck out to me at the first look-through was the word "blue" used twice in the same stanza. Since the blue is need for the coolness of the first line to be effective, I suggest change the second one (in "blue-green").

I agree with Skye, but I think it was a beautiful poem. It does have a great flow, and the subject matter works too. I'd like to see some more...

i like it mesh! i don't know what you're talking about. i'm sure crysi would be proud to publish it. =)

on the blue-green
afternoon gold
of a summer night
in the city.

maybe i'm just dumb, but i have no idea what you are saying here with the blue-green. the confusing part, really, was the blue-green and gold. what exactly do you mean by that?

the first stanza is devilishly delicious though. =)

I'm gonna have to go against what others have said and say that this poem wasn't what you're capable of. The first stanza is images and words I've seen and read before. Coupled with the fact that the structure is a little odd, it didn't strike me as particularly noteworthy.

The second lapses into using colours to try and hold up what is really, at the heart of it all, not much of a stanza. Your last line is probably the strongest of them all. It holds the punch and the premise of the whole thing, but the preceeding lines ruined it for me.

Things to do:

1. Take a good hard look at the first stanza. I know you have a better command of language than this. You fall back on cliches -- plastered fake smiles, skinny, make-up girls. It all seemed so boring. There was no fresh description. It seemed recycled. I know you can look at this girl from a better angle.

2. The structure. I'm not sure what you're aiming for with the line breaks, maybe pace, but it's not great at the moment. The rhythm is consistent, but it feels like you could have drawn out the pace in a better way, with a nice rhythm in longer lines. Anyway, maybe think of a different approach.

I'm glad to see you posting poetry again, but I think this needs a look at first.

Meshugenah wrote:Just a note: Crysi, I may submit this, so look at your own peril (she's an editor of the school lit mag, see).


She was a dancing
girl. One of those
tooskinny-makeup-overload
types with a fake
smile plastered
on her face, more
stiffly than the
bright wig
perched on
her head.

Red songs sung by blue girls
meshed together
on the blue-green
afternoon gold
of a summer night
in the city.

Together they formed
a lightening show.

I liked this, but what if you should fix the stanzas so that they're all the same, that way it'll be easier to read.

I like it ok, but it didn't hit me over the head, you know? Didn't strike me down. It needs more power behind it, needs to take the lead... right now it sounds as if it would back down if you contradicted it.
Take a look at your line breaks, especially in the first stanza. Try reading it out loud, putting a pause in where each line break is, and see if that's how you want it to sound. Part of the point of line breaks is to tell the reader how to read the poem.

on her face, more
stiffly than the
bright wig
perched on
her head.

Those last three lines are too staccato for my taste, though maybe that's how you wanted them.

You've got something here - it's an interesting topic. Keep working on it.
Hope that helped,
Sophie

I liked it but it ended to quickly. Also, some of the lines look like they should be one line, like these two:

She was a dancing
girl.
types with a fake
smile plastered
on her face,

These are my favorite lines:

Red songs sung by blue girls
meshed together

The gangs are being brought together by dancing? Awesomeness!

I liked the second stanza alot; it all seemed to fit together, but the first stanza seemed a little thrown together. I thought the "One of those / tooskinny-makeup-overload / types" clashed style-wise too much with what follows. Also, does the third stanza/ two lines need to be separate? Or is it just a continuation of what's before it?

I think the first line is good; it seems to jump right into the feel of the poem. And I think your last line is good because it sums up everything nicely. It's just what's in between that seems inconsistant.

I really like this- it has wonderful simplicity, and your language is very colorful and descriptive without being overbearing. However, I liked the first stanza the best. Towards the end, my attention wavered, and I was slightly disappointed, because it didn't seem up to par with what you had written in the beginning. I dunno why. Sorry. :/

Also, the rhythm was a little stilted.
Nice piece though- again, I really love all the imagery.

-Coral-

Hi, I quite like the poem however I prefer the first stanza to the second one. The first stanza strikes me more and the message of the poem is clearer. Differently although I like the imagery and the way you wrote the second stanza, the poem got a bit confusing at that point, well for me at least. Could you please tell me what do you mean on the very last sentence?

Overall I think the poem is good but I am not sure if the second stanza goes well with the first one because I thought you was giving a message but when I kept on reading I felt nothing , it just seemed to me that you was describing a girls night out rather than something deeper that I could see in the first stanza.

That's just my opinion though
Good luck
Iamnotperfect

Thanks for your input! However, I am going to lock this, since this is a really old revision of this poem.