Isometry Rockstar

Her footsteps rattled, gum at the
bottom of an empty coke can,
aluminum trinkets and dead flavors
stuck inside her veins.
Broken bones stuffed underneath fabric,
she was unethical, crooked lines
on a coordinate plane.

We loved her as we sketched her
into lab notebooks, adding sides and angles,
calculations of theology blackening in
her eyes. She was a mess of chance,
and we were trying to collect the probability of
her landing in our laps
or sticking by our side.

Fascination with pre-images does
not become a married wife.

our calculations blackening in
her eyes. She was a mess of chance,
and we tried to collect the probability of
her landing in our laps
or sticking by our side.

You can't really calculate theology.It seems out of place with the reference to angles and lab notebooks.

Fascination with pre-images does
not become a married wife.

I think the poem ends better without the sudden impact of this conclusion. Cheers,

Cameron

Very nice. I especially liked the first stanza, you've got some forceful imagery in there. I think maybe the second stanza could use some simplification, maybe condense your unique ideas a bit. I also found the ending a bit abrupt, and i'm not sure about the linebreak, although ending with a couplet is great
All in all, you're coming from a fantastic place and it's a great piece.

Now, I'm going to sound awfully stupid here, but I'm having trouble...getting it. I've spent a little while looking at it, and it just hasn't spoken to me, and I'm much too perplexed to speak back anyway.

xanthan gum, I think an aspect of your poetry that causes this is that you really like double metaphors and complex structures. I can sort of get at what you were trying to say in this poem, but I can't be sure that I'm right because it's so difficult to digest a sentence, much less the whole poem.

You might clear up some of your sentences; rearrange them so that they don't sound dragged out and listlike. Use more concrete imagery, and put some simple stuff in there. Sophisticated poetry is often made out of very simple words and phrases. Poetry is often very easy to understand on the surface, and it's a pleasant read, but it also has underlying contradictions and complexities. I think this one has just jumped right to the complexities and skipped the surface simplicity.

One question: Does gum "rattle"? That stuck out on the first read.


Colleen

I have to agree with Cadmium about not really getting it, its a very well written poem, but I'm just not sure if it really means anything to me. You are clearly very talented but I dunno...Im just a bit confused i guess....


Meevs
x

i'm going to have to disagree with cadmium and say that you don't need to condense anything. i think the image you were going for was presented perfectly. but that's just my opinion.

that said, i really loved your descriptions. especially the first stanza, which i thought was brilliant. good job. :]

i've got to agree again. while the poem is complex and nice, it seems as if you are trying too hard to spruce up the poem with complicated words.

i think you just have to make the dots a little bit easier to connect and have the image as a whole easier to be seen.

you're good at this, maybe just a little too good. =)