Untitiled- Prolouge

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The whole story won't be like this, as it would be more difficult to convey the plot. It's not edited at all; just a random thing I thought of today while looking at other things I have written.

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Prologue

Oliven of Renth was an honorable knight, to be sure. He did have his flaws, as any human would. Oliven's flaw, however, had great impact on a boy called Leif, his squire. Oliven tended to take no notice of his squire. It was not that he disliked the boy, more that the squire was meek and not very noticable at all.

This was all bound to the fate of the kingdom. You see, it was Oliven's duty to choose the next King.

At the present time, however, Oliven was in the center of The Silian Forest, stranded after a long and bloody battle, with his squire to care for. Oliven's sleeves were spattered with ink, and he yet again was not paying any mind to Leif. He was writing a plea to an old school friend by the name of Johnson.

Dear Johnson,

I am writing this in an urgent situation. There was a battle- those who survived are calling it "The Battle of the Unicorn" as the opposing cavalry were all mounted on the beasts. Several of our number were killed- the most important figures being Sir Lennon and, sadly, King Jacob.

We made camp along side the Jettill River, which, as you know, is the only salt water river in Onen. We don't have much food, and we ran out of fresh water yesterday. The others asked me to write for help, and I thought you were most likely to be able to. If not, please send a party along with plenty of food and water; the squires and pages we brought along won't be of any use unless they're fed.

Act as soon as you recieve this. I am sending it with my squire- don't send your return message with him- I told him not to return.

Your Friend,

Oliven of Renth
Last edited by Pyxis on Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:20 pm, edited 3 times in total.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.

~William Shakespeare




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I thought this was a very good prologue; we were introduced to the situation, the world, and who I assume will be the protagonist.

The first sentence[I was indeed wrong about last night.] left me wondering "wrong about what". If he was wrong about there having been a battle the night before then I think that you could make that clearer, if that wasn't what you met and are simply planning to come back to that later on in the story then you can just ignore the last paragraph I wrote.

I think that due to the seemingly desperate situation in which your characters find themselves the letter could be even more brisk than it already is.

[Please act as soon as you recieve this. I am sending it with my squire- don't send him back. Tell him to go to my mansion, my wife will welcome him there. ]
I found this whole part sounded a little too calm. Instead of having your character say please maybe you could instead have him express how great the importance of his friend's help is.
the word mansion just seemed really out of place to me. To me it stood out as being a term used so much in our modern day that it broke the atmosphere you had created with words like "cavalry" and refering to characters as so-and-so from where-ever (if that makes any sense...)
Often a knight, i am assuming he is a knight since he has a squire, would give orders to his squire himself rather than tell the recipiant of the letter to do so, IMO at least. You could instead maybe just give the guy a heads up that the squire knows he is not to return.

[We made camp along side the Jettill River. We don't have much food, and we ran out of fresh water yesterday.]
To me this is an oxymoron; rivers are usually fresh water. If this particular river is not fresh water then you should probably specify this.

OK, I know, really long critique and you did specifically mention that it is a first draft so I probably needn't have gone into such detail, but I really did like the prologue, keep writing!

-Gen
"There is no happiness in love, except at the end of an English novel."
-Anthony Trollope




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I like this. It captures the attention of your readers and sets the story immediatly.

After that, I can ony echo what Pages said. Keep writing! I'm excited to see how this turns out!
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
I have some IA on Venus, but I don't know how long it'll last. my com's getting crushed.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."~Carl Jung, psychologist and psychiatrist.




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This is pretty cool. The only thing I'd do would be to add more of the story outside the letter, like Oliven saying goodbye to his squire and the squire leaving. Maybe you do that in Chapter 1, idunno, I haven't read it yet.

More background on the world would be good. Things like, why are these people fighting and where do they come from? What is their world like? And why can't the survivors go seek food and water themelves?

I think you left tthose parts out.

But it's still good.




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I changed the beginning. Please tell me what you think.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.

~William Shakespeare



By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill