Ice Cubes #5

Taken down due to publishing

Just so you know, I wont be posting this again for a while, I figure i need to work on the first bits again, so let me know if you have any ideas!

She placed a pin in my pal

palm? with an m right???

“Fuck, but look t it, it looks well good

another incomplete word. In this case I think t should be at....

“You,”.

Punctuation, the period comes before the last quotation mark, not after. This way you don't need the comma.

“Nothing for you to worry about. Listen, you have done nothing wrong I’m sorry. Hey, go get the ice-cream out of the freezer,”.

Same thing as above.

I'm mildly addicted =)
Okay, mildly was a lie, I'm definently in love with this story!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only assume that you've already started continuing it again, so I shall as well!
ONWARD!!!!!!

-JC

Quote:
and I defiantly didn’t like the thought of them seeing

Should be definantly not defiantly

Quote:
“She also pierced my hand,” I lied, I wanted to provoke a reaction. The truth was, I was the one who pierced Sappy’s hand on the bus home. She placed a pin in my pal, her blue eyes gleaming with excitement

I am confused here with the last sentance.

Quote:
almost the biggest ever relief I had ever

remove the first ever

Your story is really awesome. I can't stop reading it. It lacks a few details here and there, but the reader still gets the picture.

Edited (Im editing them all)

Well, this was good. It actually made me cringe a little when he pierced her lol. But i'm curoius about why Rob was sad. he got rid of his daughter, and she didn't seem to be the nicest person! But I guess I have another 25 Chapters to find out in, don't I lol? Nothing wrong here (as there wouldn't be, it's been edited 5 times lol), so I'll just head off.