Words of the Wise

So boy, you're going to that party on Friday night?
Oh yes dad, it's gonna be a rockin' sight!
Sit down son, a few words of the wise,
Laughter is not in the smile, but in the eyes.
Look for the twinkle, look for the flash of fire.
If it's not there, she's got no desire-
But pa, this is a night out with the lads.
Yes son, but a young man with no lass is rather sad.
As the boy got up and reached for the door,
his mickey of whiskey falls to the floor.
Remember now, if there's no twinkle, there's a hitch.
And one more thing, keep your nose out of that ditch.
---
by Fabien Belcourt
February 12, 2007

So boy, you're going to that party on Friday night?
Oh yes dad, it's gonna be a rockin' sight!

Good first two lines, I can quite clearly determine between the two people, the father and the son. It also creates a contrast between someone being wise and experienced or someone young and naive, all through the lexical choice.

Sit down son, a few words of the wise,
Laughter is not in the smile, but in the eyes.
Look for the twinkle, look for the flash of fire.
If it's not there, she's got no desire-

All these lines are good, the rhymes work here and don't seem at all out of place. It's a bit of a sudden jump though from going to a party to words about desire from the father. Maybe adding another couplet between the "eyes", "wise" rhyme and "fire", "desire"

But pa, this is a night out with the lads.
Yes son, but a young man with no lass is rather sad.

Line length disrupts the rhythm here, in turn distorting the rhyme. Maybe using speech marks for the son and leaving the rest normal, will mean you can take out the "Yes son" keep the rhythm the same while still being able to clearly visualise whos speaking.

And one more thing, keep your nose out of that ditch.

The ditch ending doesn't quite work, it is a forced rhyme and so, unlike the others, disrupts the rhyme while adding little to the poem.

Overall, it's good. Lacks a bit of depth in the wisdom, but is an enjoyable read.

Wow, I love the brightness...the provocativeness. It was very stimulating, and I must say the rhythm added to that tremendously. Usually, I am not the greatest fan of the repetition of identical or similar sounds, but I did however enjoy this. I can relate to this in a sense. I've written something similar, only it was inthe form a song. Also, the title is very fitting and I like the father's tone. Often times in writing parents are portrayed very differently than what you accomplished here, and I liked that a great deal.
Oh, and the last two lines were probably the best in my opinion.

Yo Fabien! You asked for it, so here it is...

Overall, I'm left feeling kinda flat here. The piece has promise, and I like the "provocative" (to steal Chevy's word) tone - the problem is it just doesnt deliver. I am expecting a bit of pithy advice, maybe a twist at the end or a sting in the tail...but nothing happens. I am left with a lot of talk but not much actual substance.

Suggestions? Well, for starters, what are you trying to say here? What "words of the wise" are you trying to convey? What you have here is like a snapshot - it shows two characters, their relationship, a window into their lives. Now you just need to add some kind of meaning to it all. What do you want the reader to take away from the poem?

What I think has happened is your message has gotten jumbled amidst the rhyme and rhythm. I'd opt for simplicity - dont try to be clever, just let the words speak for themselves. If it doesnt rhyme, try not to force it. Shift things around until the words say what you want to say, rather than sacrificing voice for rhyme. It might also be wise to visually differentiate between father and son - that way you could dispense with some of the "pa" and "son" parts, which would make it less cloying. Italics or speech marks would be your best bets IMHO.

I also felt - but this may be just me - that you were trying too hard to be "cool". A little bit of slang goes a long way, and the quick tempo reads enough like a music beat that you dont have to overemphasize. Just my two cents.

NITPICKS:

Sit down son, a few words of the wise,
Laughter is not in the smile, but in the eyes.

Wah-huh? OK...what does laughter have to do with anything? BTW, it's a word to the wise, not of the wise. Also, how did we get to the boy's love life when we were just talking about the party?

But pa, this is a night out with the lads.
Yes son, but a young man with no lass is rather sad.

I agree - the rhythm here is distorted. Sort out that second line.

As the boy got up and reached for the door,
his mickey of whiskey falls to the floor.

Another "Wah-huh?!" line. Well, two lines. Why are we all of a sudden abandoning the dialogue? Might be best to stick to speech throughout - more effective. Chopping and changing is confusing to the reader and ultimately detracts from the power of the poem.

Remember now, if there's no twinkle, there's a hitch.
And one more thing, keep your nose out of that ditch.

....and it ends. I am no wiser than I was at the beginning. Where is the apt and artful advice your tone/title suggest? You need to rework this ending. No need to repeat the idea of the "twinkle". A bit more punch here to finish off would be nice.

Overall, it was interesting - I like the "voice", as it were, and the tone is very upbeat - perhaps too much so for the subject matter. It reads like it should be funny, but I find no humour hidden in the "father's" words of wisdom or the boy's replies. Taken as it is, it is commonplace. Perhaps you could play with this a bit, work it into something more interesting. You might consider emphasizing the characters' personalities a bit more, the disparity, the reason for the father's caution (is the boy somewhat promiscuous? Or is it just a general warning?), how the boy reacts and why....all the little intricacies that could make this a really excellent piece. Draw from life - but make it art. That is, realism is all very well, but it has to be interesting to look at

Cheers,
~bubbles

I liked how it rhymed, and the style. It was short, a little to short. Maybe if you had added some more, it would have been just right. But other than that, good job.