The Dragon Shield/ Chapter One (rewrite)

Note: I changed some of the name's on Meep's suggesetion. I tried to make them fit the Medievil time frame changes are:

Jessica to Katherine/Kate

Achilles to Thane

Emma to Gwynndolyn/Gwynn

I will probably add more to this chapter.

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Chapter One


"You failed, Sykin. Am I hearing you correctly?" King Thane's voice was a low whisper as he sat on his throne, his piercing gaze directed at the unlucky henchman. Thane was the King of Thevan, the rightful heir, which was very unfortunate.

"Your Highness, sir, you must understand-"

"All I need to understand, Sykin, is that you failed me-"

"But master-"

"No, Sykin. No excuses." the Tyrant drew a dagger from his crystal-studded belt swiftly.

"Highness, please, no-" But the servant was not able to finish his sentence. Thane flicked the knife carelessly at him were it landed in his chest. Sykin keeled over backward, twitching, and lay still.
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Kate walked down the empty street, a longbow on her back. She looked around sharply, and ducked into a small tent off to the side of the road. It was indeed small, big enough only for only a few people.

Inside she met a dimly lit room, other children gathered round a small candle in the center of the tent, and a few bare pieces of furniture.

"Hello," she said softly. An older boy looked up from the candle sharply.

"What did you manage to get?" his voice was as brisk as his stare. Kate pulled a small pouch from her pocket, and emptied its contents to the ground. One gold coin and two silver. The boy nodded, his face inscrutable. A girl Kate's age smiled at her.

"Good one," she said.

"Thanks," replied Kate, glad the girl had broken the silence.

"We'll need to go to the market tomorrow. We're running low on food," came a voice from the corner, away from the light. Another, younger boy was there, pale, maybe ten or eleven. Kate had never seen him before. But then, people seemed to come and go from their hideout and Kate had been gone for five days.

"He won't tell us his name, or come into the light," whispered the girl to Kate "Kay thinks he is a spy of Thane's" Kate looked sharply at Kay, the older boy, and then at the stranger. The young boy was pale, with dark hair and eyes. He looked as though he had been on the street for days.

"Hello," Kate said.

"Hello," he replied in a questioning voice.

I like it.

There's only one typo that I spotted--"theif" is spelled "thief"--and I would take out the last sentence in the ninth paragraph merely because it's kinda superfluous ("That was all there was".)

Otherwise, I think it's a great start. I'm already interested in what direction the story might be heading.

Usually, I'd have a problem with the introduction of your antagonist, because it's kind-of a laundry list, but there's something cute. I'm picturing a little kid telling this story to scare the younger kids. I don't know if that's your intent, but it's cute! (One small problem: was he heir to the throne after the Queen? Otherwise, why is he king?)
I really like that you're showing, not telling. Good stuff!

Pyxis wrote:Kate frowned at her surrondings. She would have to go to the market tomorrow, and with the few coins she could earn buy enough to live by for the next few weeks.

Pyxis, with an edit from Meep wrote:Kate frowned at her surrondings. She would have to go to the market tomorrow, and, with the few coins she could earn, buy enough to live by for the next few weeks.

Even with the additional commas, the phrasing is a little awkward. Maybe try rephrasing?

I like this, there's been a lot of improvement from the previous drafts. (I'm glad my critiques/suggestions were helpful!)

One last thing to consider: often in historical stories, the thieves will band together and form something of a "guild," like in Oliver Twist. Might Kate do something similar with the other peasant children?

You have a good start here, but I feel like in the first paragraph, you just told me all about King Thane. If your intent was as Meep suggested, to make it cute, I suggest phrasing the list a little more creatively and making it sound cuter. However, if that was not your intent, the next paragraph is for you.

King Thane of Thevan was not your ideal ruler. For one, he did not give a care for his subjects, and taxed them relentlessly. Another good reason is that he was not the rightful king; he had murdered the previous Queen to gain the throne. Thirdly, he tortured his servants, as he was doing at that moment.

You just told us all about King Thane. A lot of these things could easily be incorporated into your story, could easily be shown by the king's actions, but when you tell us all of it, it just ruins all the fun of discovering who Thane is. By saying these things, you leave little room for the reader to interpret Thane's personality and get a feel for your character. I suggest rewriting this first section, so we see these flaws in Thane and are not simply told them. You have shown us through the interaction with Thane and Sykin who Thane is, so you don't need to list off all the things about him. You're too good for that.

As for your Kate section, it was better. You did less telling, and instead, gave us insights into Kate through her actions. However, I felt like very little was happening. You describe Kate to us and she does some things to show us her personality, but there is very little actions, very little movement in the scene, so it seems very dry. Think about what other things you could do to convey Kate's character; think of all the scenarios and I'm sure you'll come up with something.

Just a few other little things:

Thane flicked the knife carelessly at him were it landed in his chest.

I think you mean where it landed in his chest.

She lit a small candle in the corner of the tent by rubbing two sticks together as fast as she possibly could. After doing this, she poured water over the sticks and threw them out of the door. Now by the dim light she could see her surroundings; a small pack of clothes, a few pieces of dried meat, and a loaf of bread.

Kate frowned at her surrondings. She would have to go to the market tomorrow, and with the few coins she could earn buy enough to live by for the next few weeks.

First, surroundings is spelled wrong the second time you use it. Also, using surroundings twice so close to each other makes it very repetitive. Perhaps another word for surroundings second time? Last, you need a comma between earn and buy in the last sentence.

This was a good start and you have some very good ideas to work with here. I can't wait to read more of this and see how you edit it. To sum up my critique: don't tell us about your characters. Show us. Part of this is just refraining from telling too much, but I would also suggest reading a lot of authors in your library and here on YWS and observing how they portray their characters.

Nicely done and keep writing. If you have any questions or want any help with something, feel free to PM me.

EDIT: Your re-written version is much better. I admire your word choice throughout the piece. Good job!