Abbadon

I am Abbadon
the leader of chaos.
I am the demonlord, the king over all.
I am the salt in your wound, the thorn in your side.
I am the shadow who comes overnight.
I am the one in the corner of your eye.
You are the one, by my sword you will die.

tell me if i can make anything better!

I liked this, it has a good flow and the rhyming was not out of place, well done i really like this! no wait i love it
miyaviloves

p.s. dont beg for posts, it had only been ten minutes, give people time!

OK i will stop the stupidity.

"You are the one by my sword you will die.." - comma after "one". Extra full-stop at the end.

This was not brilliant, it does flow quite well but the meanings contained within are quite shallow. There is no background, no setting, and therefore it is empty. Tell us why you are evil etc.

Please wait, things can take a long time to get replies. Ten minutes is not waiting. Also, don't send useless replies such as "ima genius", they're pointless.


Gurby

I liked it. Strange how i cant abide love poetry but i enjoy this sort of poetry.

P.S. Dont post stuff like I ama Genius. (it may put people off if you act a bit bigheaded)

i am not evil and the poem is under progress

ps i am not a genius

sob sob!

Okay, erm, first off, don't "bump" your threads or beg for replies, it will only get you a better chance of being ignored.

like ofour said, you need a comma in this line: You are the one by my sword you will die..

The repetition of "I am..." made it drag on, and slowed it down.

"the salt in your wound, the thorn in your side. " I liked this line, this part, the most of all. And despite that, even this line could be done better.

If you get rid of each line starting with "I am" and if you choose better words, more descriptive, and rather than describing "I" (The main character) put the reader as the "you" and make us feel something, bring action into the poem.

That would help it out a lot. G'luck!

Its good , I like the part about the salt in your wound. Can I confess that Conro R is actually my brother and I helped him write some of this!
Charlotte

Swottielottie wrote:Its good , I like the part about the salt in your wound. Can I confess that Conro R is actually my brother and I helped him write some of this!
Charlotte

erm you spelt his name wrong