Coles Carpark

The soft, aching darkness
creeping down onto
the shoulders of everything
enervated what you said.

Slightly, ever so
slightly.
It still made my head clang and
my headache drum faster.

But at least it wasn't
glaringly bright.
Like deep crimson
against weak ivory.

God, our school shorts are too
inappropriately revealing.
And you're a lot less naive
than you were six months ago.
written: Thursday 5th August, 2004.

this was nice...didnt actually know what it was entirley about....im taking guesses but im failing lol. (it's morning gah!). but i like it, nice scheme used. i like the ending, and your title too.

'It still made my head clang and
my headache drum faster. '

These two lines were very clunky to me. Though I know it's just the repetition of 'head' that really bothers me...oh well. That's easily fixable. And they're basically saying the same thing, also.

Other than that...wow Liz, you're probably one of my favorite poems on the site. Your poems ramble-especially this one- but you're good at that *lol*. Overall, very well done.