Bye Bye

When a new day will dawn
I’ll be gone
And you gotta smile
You gotta go on
Like you never knew me
As anything else
Then the girl in your grade
With the mysterious look
Sitting at her desk
stirring
Tapping her pencil
Or writing a poem
You are reading
Though I didn’t want you to
And when you were through
You’d stare at me
I guess you were worried
My poems would be cold
Lonely, hateful
I remember
One day
When you said something
First you gave me
Your famous puppy eyes
And I couldn’t understand
Then you pointed at the page
In my notebook
I just shrugged my shoulders
Pretended to be fine
You can write a suicide note
Without dying…. Can’t you?

And if you, when I’m gone
Say, why didn’t I do anything
Don’t worry hun
You have a life
I respect that
At least you and 3 others
Let e be around
As a part of a group
For the first time in 17 years
But I can’t bother you all
With my damn problems
You are young
I know we’re the same age
I’m just a couple of months older
And yet, I feel so old
Compared to you
You are all so playful
I’m just me

So thank you
For everything
You were more
More than I could ask for
Bye bye!

Let e be around

you're missing something there.

Hmmm...I suppose first I'll pick at the things that annoy me, then say what I liked? You used nearly no punctuation besides an ellipsis (I believe they are called, they look like this: ...) here, a comma or two there, and an all too cheery exclamation point at the end for the content. Punctuation is important to poetry, without it, it looks kind of amateurish. Doesn't everything have grammar, and isn't punctuation a part of grammar? Of course, I'm not picking on you or anything in fact, I wrote something exactly for this: Poetry & Punctuation.

Now, onto the actual poem. In some places, it wasn't so bad and I enjoyed it, but only in a few places. The others...I disliked. You got a little too "woe as me, suicide" and selfish about it. And the last verse of them all was...corny, though I'm sure it really does mean something, it is truly something you leave as a REAL suicide note, and not as a poem. In fact, the general obsessiveness of teenagers to combine suicide notes, or suicide in general, and poetry, seems to fail all together. It can be done, but you can never write a successful poem just about yourself. They get really self absorbed. People want to read poems that make them think, make them feel things. so if you want to write a poem about suicide, be my guest, but do it in a way that makes poetry, not a suicide note in verse...

I should point out what I liked, shouldn't I?

I remember
One day
When you said something
First you gave me
Your famous puppy eyes
And I couldn’t understand
Then you pointed at the page
In my notebook
I just shrugged my shoulders
Pretended to be fine
You can write a suicide note
Without dying…. Can’t you?

all but the generic "puppy dog eyes" I enjoyed. It's heart felt, it's real action. this could be poetry. Albeit, on it's own it would need some fixing up, but compared to the rest of the poem, this is the most savable part.

It was also kind of long...it got wordy in points, which I don't particularly like. Over description is sometimes like over cooking. And in any case, you want to use the right words. Word choice is big.

I wouldn't say it is bad, but I think if you really want to write a poem about such a depressing, though statistically popular subject you should take another look at it.

Write it without yourself in mind. Write it with the reader in mind. What do you want to make them feel? What do you want to make them think? That, is poetry.

I hope this helped If you need any help fixing it up, or have any questions about anything I said, feel free to PM me. Best of luck!

trhank you so much for the feedback I can really, really use this in my further work! I must admit this wasn't one of my fave poems either, and also about the grammer, I'm unable to do this, as I'm not a naitive speaker of english, I'm Danish,