The Beginning, Prologue

I wrote a book in the summer holidays... which was ages ago, of course but I never thought of sumbitting it.
Hope you like it! It doesn't matter if you don't, I just want honest comments. All my friends are like 'It's really good!' but being the paranoid freak that I am, I refuse to believe it.
If people seem to like it, I will submit the first chapter. If not, I might do it just to annoy people who hate it

Prologue:
Memories of a Prisoner

The elfin woman draws her sword; she knows this will not be easy. Many people she knows have tried this task, none have prevailed.

She brushes her dark hair out of her eyes and she leans forward to peer inside the cave. She is lucky. And she knows it. Both the mother and the father are out hunting. She tiptoes forward, taking care not to disturb the carefully organised stacks of treasure that occupy the floor. There it is. At the end of the vast cave stands a large nest much more sizeable than any bird’s nest she has ever laid her eyes on. She stands there for a moment, admiring the beauty of the perfectly shaped egg, its simple white shell dappled with dashes and dots of purple. Slowly but surely, she loses herself to its coveted splendour. She wants it more than she knows.

Small shudders run through the stone floor of the cave, getting larger and larger, sending coins and jewels scuttling across the stone ground. She snaps out of her trance-like state. The woman curses. She hurriedly stows the egg into a leather drawstring bag and runs for the exit, begging, praying for her luck to hold out for a few more moments. But it is too late. A great, fully-grown, snow-white dragon stands in her path, staring condescendingly down at her with intense blue eyes. Seeing that his leg and wing are injured, she dodges to and fro in a feeble attempt to trick the Dragon into letting her past, for in panic and fear, she has lost her commonplace logic: dragons are highly intelligent creatures, more intelligent than anyone cares take into account.

The father dragon breathes fire threateningly at the fair elf, she curses again, but more viciously this time. Seeing no way out but one incredibly risky route, she takes it. She waits for the dragon to send flames licking at her feet once more and ducks under the jet of bright blue flames. The heat buffets at her for a moment. She coughs; a foul-coloured liquid pouring from her mouth and tarnishing the precious gems beneath her feet. But she will survive. She is very lucky indeed. The dragon does not see her. She pelts full speed for the exit and runs from the entrance of the cave, knowing that the dragon cannot catch her with his wounds and her agility. She beams, proud of-

The human pulled his hands from the elf’s brow, his expression full of anger and contempt; he hadn’t been in such a rage since his daughter eloped with the gardener. The gardener had then been hanged and quartered. Seeing this, his many servants knew to creep silently and quietly from the ornate bedroom. Yet what worried the elf was that the lengthy mind-reading had not tired him.

'You slattern,' he snarled, gritting his teeth and spitting at her feet, 'you did get the dragon egg. Why did you lie to me?'

'Because,' her voice was calm, though inside, her heart pounded so fiercely that she could have sworn that she could hear it, 'you do not deserve such a treasure.'

The man removed a pristine white glove from his hand and slapped it across her face, smiling heartlessly at her groan of pain as she pulled her hands swiftly to her rapidly swelling cheek. She stood up in an act of defiance, determined not to let this cruel man overpower her.

'If I were you, I would tell me where that egg is now.'

'Never would I tell you. I trust the holder of the egg far too much to endanger them or reveal their identity.'

The cruel man kicked her shins, sweeping her off her feet and leaving her moaning on the floor. He kicked her once more, just to have the satisfaction of hearing her cry with pain again. She clutched her heavily bruised legs, trying hard to alleviate the pain. She had received this despicable treatment many a time and had eventually grown used to her body aching dreadfully in the morning, but she still screamed with pain at his sharp strikes. She needed to get away.

She knew that her theft of the egg would have many more repercussions to come and she wished that she had resisted its temptation. She also knew that she would die like this one day, in the overly comfortable bedroom but still with a need to escape her imprisonment. Her soul would never be settled after a death of such brutality.

'You must enjoy being tortured very much, for if you didn’t, you’d just tell me who has the egg.'

'It would have hatched by now.'

'I don’t care, I want it!'

'Well, I’m afraid you can’t always have what you want.'

She immediately regretted her words and wished that she could shove them back down her throat. He struck her again. This time, punching her in the stomach and watching her attractive face contort in pain with much relish. The elf averted her gaze. She could not bear to think how a human could have been contorted to have a personality of such callousness.

'You know,' he said, squeezing his fingertips firmly on her jaw and tilting her infuriated face up for her to look up into his emerald eyes, 'if you weren’t so incredibly beautiful, you’d be dead by now.'

He pressed his lips to hers, ignoring her squirms of protest as he touched her. He slapped her one last time before checking that the chains around her wrists and her ankles were securely locked and turning to walk away from her lavishly furnished bedroom.

She scowled at his back and let her anger spill out of her with that glare, muttering various profanities under her breath. She needed to escape. But how?

i love it!

but you should make sure theres a discription of the time break and how far away the secon place is. have fun writing more this isnt a full story yet.

Hey, paper-kimono. Welcome to YWS! Please review two things by other people for each story/poem you post. You'll get more critiques that way, too.

She is lucky. And she knows it.

I think this would be better as only one sentence.

In your second paragraph, most of your sentences have the same format, which is boring. A little variation would be nice, instead of 'this did this, she did that.'

She coughs; a foul-coloured liquid pouring from her mouth and tarnishing the precious gems beneath her feet.

Cool sentence.

The man removed a pristine white glove from his hand and slapped it across her face, smiling heartlessly at her groan of pain as she pulled her hands swiftly to her rapidly swelling cheek.

He slapped her with his glove? o_0 Lol, it seems a little like that's what he did, even though I'm fairly sure he didn't. Still, if he took off his glove before he slapped her, wouldn't she have time to prepare? Dodge him maybe, or catch his hand? That's instinct.

'If I were you, I would tell me where that egg is now.'

'Never would I tell you. I trust the holder of the egg far too much to endanger them or reveal their identity.'

Who is saying what? I don't know your characters yet, so it would be nice if you gave one of these a tag.

The profanity thing doesn't seem to fit with the elf's character. She's beautiful, agile, intelligent, and I automatically side with her. She seems quite educated. That doesn't seem like the type of person who'd swear like a sailor, lol. But if there's a backstory to it, go for it!

I liked this. It gives a nice amount of information for a prologue, and makes me want to read the rest. The transition between the memory and the realty is really well done.

Thanks for posting!

-Jenna

Wow, this is my forst critique in ages. Here goes:

I quite liked this, I thought you captured the cruelty of the man quite well. The elf's (she is an elf... no?) personality was also captured fairly well, although if she is a tall, human-like gracious elf I would use the term "elven" instead of "elfin". The reason for this I have quoted from Wikipedia.

Elf can be pluralised as both elves and elfs. Something associated with elves or the qualities of elves is described by the adjectives elven, elvish, elfin or elfish. According to a convention of modern fantasy, the v in elven or elvish refers to human-sized elves (who correspond more closely to the mythology of the Viking Era), whereas the f in elfin or elfish refers to tiny-sized elfs (who correspond more closely to the folklore of the Renaissance and Romantic Eras).

I felt as though this had been influenced by Eragon slightly, due to the dragon and the egg thing, but already this shows more originality than Paolini has ever used.

There was nothing that I didn't like, it was all quite pleasant to read, although some of the sentences seemed a little awkward. I haven't got time to elaborate now, but I may come back later and continue.

Anyway, good start, I look forward to more.

-Kaz

i liked it alot. i agree with Jennafina and all she posted, but i just want to add one thing.

She hurriedly stows the egg into a leather drawstring bag and runs for the exit, begging, praying for her luck to hold out for a few more moments. But it is too late.

Its a good sentence, but i would make it one sentence.

She hurriedly stows the egg into a leather drawstring bag and runs for the exit, begging, praying for her luck to hold out for a few more moments, but it is too late.

Thanks!

I thoroughly enjoyed what you wrote, and I thought your descriptions felt true to your story. I especially liked a few of your word choices; this one in particular I felt was quite refreshing:

"...she loses herself to its coveted splendour"

I didn’t quite understand the point of this, however.

"She beams, proud of-

The human pulled his hands from the elf’s brow..."

I had to re-read this several times thinking this was a misprint. Will someone please clue me in? Thanks.

Good Job!
Keep Writing.