It is true that Jack and Jill went up a hill.
It is also true that Jack fell down and broke his crown.
However, the reason they went up the hill and the reason why Jack fell is NOT true!
For you see, Jack had found out how to make the best tasting cookies EVER, and fast.
Smashing a shoe, any type of shoe imaginable…with a pineapple.
Now, Jack and Jill had a “great relationship” and of course he wanted to share this secret. They decide to walk up their favorite hill one day. Jack tells Jill about his plan to start a business around his discovery.
However Jill suddenly, for “unexplained reasons”, becomes madly jealous (*I wonder why…*). When they reach the top of the hill, like a true master ninja, she pushed him silently and effectively down.
She planned to kill him in that one push and steal his dream, his glory, HIS THUNDER!
Miraculously, he survived.
How did she find out? She heard a groan that went something like this…
“Uhhh…WHAT THE @*$%!!!”
And, “GAH, THE PAIN!!!”
Ending with this, “I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!!!”
Because Jack demonstrated how to make these delicious cookies before this terrible fall, with a spare pineapple, she threw it with “seemingly” accuracy toward his head. But instead, it “tumbled after” and finally hit his crown.
As Jill flees in the opposite direction (she later realized that was the last pineapple in the land) there was a spectator, a mysterious spectator. But that spectator was a moron and thought the pineapple was Jill and rushes off to tell the town, which was very far away.
(but then it was pretty dark… *Still a moron, like HELLO! Call a frickin’ ambulance!* who are you???)
ANYWAYS, as no one helps poor miserable Jack, a gopher pops up from the ground. For you see, the gopher heard everything and now knew the secret too. So the gopher steals the pineapple. Since gophers don’t wear shoes, it stole Jack’s.
(*How can a gopher understand what’s going on, moron?* don’t call me a moron! and they are like the ones in that movie, what’s it called again? *Narnia?* Yeah…never seen it—they didn’t have gophers…moron)
[Let’s get on with this]
But now you see, there was some minjas (mini + ninja = minjas) who then go down in this hole and steal the fruit and boot in a blink of an eye. (hey, that kind of rhymed! *Moron*)
They were planning to kill Jack in the first place because they already knew this secret and didn’t want anyone else to know because of the simple fact they are selfish bastards. Mini, selfish bastards.
Now, they were on the search for Jill because anyone who knew the secret had to die (sad, but the rules) and they were resting on a branch of a tree.
But this would be their biggest mistake: everyone who’s anyone knows that trees are not to be trusted.
Especially when Keebler elves reside there.
They ambush for again, “unexplained reasons”, and figure out the secret and that is why today they make some darn good cookies! (*No they do not! They suck and the elves are morons.* you know what? *What?* stop saying moron and…have a damn cookie! [stuffs it])
What would become of Jack and Jill?
Jill ran till her little legs went out and somehow, some way, became that bitter cafeteria lady you see today. You know? The one your parents told you they met in their days?
And their parents, and their parents, and their parents and
YOU. GET. THE. PICTURE.
Did I mention that if you betray your friend and try to kill them with a fruit you are cursed to be immortal for the rest of eternity? Kind of like the cursed Aztec gold in Pirates of the Caribbean, but without the pirates, or the gold, or even the awesome spazzed-out monkey
(*So it is a much worst and a suckier idea of a movie?* Exactly *First time you capitalize when talking with me, amazing.* i can capitalize when i feel like it...im just not in the mood *And you saw this movie?* Exactamundo *Figures -_-*)
[Back to the story]
And poor, poor, stupid as ever Jack? He was rescued hours later but had to be taken to an asylum. Why you may ask? (*I don’t think the reader is that slow, like you* **OOOH, BURN!** who the hell are you???)
All I can say is DO NOT plan, if you visit him that is, to bring him a fruit basket, especially with a pineapple! Because it ain’t pretty to see a grown man scream like a sissy little girl.
I’m serious it’s not…well, it’s pretty funny but that’s a different story!
THE END (*Finally!*)
Oh yeah, what about that moronic spectator missing a cell phone?
(*What the heck? You are supposed to end? You are the biggest moron I know! I can’t believe you are going to lead on these poor readers with this very moronic and not true tale of a beloved nursery rhyme and… [hit upside the head] that shall shut her/him/it up….sorry folks)
[Resuming to story]
What about the spectator missing a cell phone?
He finally got one and to this day you see his great-great-great-great-great-great-great -great-great-… (who knows how far back and who really cares?) -whenever grandson with the famous saying (or infamous, tomato/tamoto)
“Can you hear me now? Good.”
fin
(Alrighty folks, that’s the true story! Girl/Guy/Thing, say something for the kind readers. [still out cold] Okay…bye!)
