Betrayl Remixed

Bitter at the loss of a good friend,
Saddened by your fall
Murtagh how could you?
I will cut you down where you stand!
Eragon is my brother and you are an enemy.
I Orik, Son of Hrothgar, will kill you where you stand son of Morzan! We are the Varden, we are in the midst of betrayal, but we still have faith.
Murtagh, you may have betrayed us, but you really betrayed only yourself.

Dear Alanna,

When I first saw this poem, I decided that instead of skipping over it automatically, as I normally would with this sort of tripe, I would at least stop to correct your grammar, spelling, and punctuation, and point out a few of your more correctable mistakes.

Seven minutes later, I gave up. This is dreadful. First of all, your first line (which isn't really redeemable anyway) should correctly be, "Bitter at the loss of a good friend," --note, there is a comma at the end, not a period. No comma after bitter, and "loss," not "lost."

...I give up on the rest. If you thought this was good enough to post here, maybe you should take some time off posting your poetry in order to learn how to write it. Don't subject us to your abecedarian efforts, please.

And try reading some poetry. It might help you learn how to write it (as obviously neither is a skill you have at the moment).

Cheers,

Fand

Well, I don't claim to be an expert on poetry, but I felt compelled to post after reading the post above. It's not amazing, granted, but what Fand said was really cruel.

I actually liked the poem, but there are a couple of things:

Disappointed, I am Murtagh,

This sounds a wee bit like Yoda here. I'd really rework the whole line.

I will flame you where you stand!

"Flame" isn't really appropriate here, I think. It is only a verb in the most poetic of senses, and here isn't one of them. How about "cut you down where you stand"? It changes the rhythm slightly, but it still sounds fine to me.

I Orik, Son of Hrothgar will kill you where you stand son of Morzan!

Just grammar, should be a comma after "Orik" and after "Hrothgar". (Subordinate clauses)

We are the Varden, we are in the midst of betrayal , but we still have faith.

Just quoted this because I like it. Nicely written.

Murtagh, you may have betrayed us, but you really betrayed only your self.

Well, it should be "yourself" not "your self". Also, (this may have been deliberate), your word order seems a bit off here. "But really, you only betrayed yourself."

But a lot better poem than Fand made out.

Good, better, i love it!

(Well maybe not that much)

I don't think this poem is too bad. I know nothing of the context as I have yet to read the book but I'm intrigued so you must have done something right.

You have two really long lines that could both be cut in half to aid the presentation of the poem and your language is rather simplistic but it has potential. Try to show the emotions more, maybe extend it a little and I think you'll have a reasonable poem.

I thought that this was okay. I agree with the comments made by Zafuel. I like that you have done the poem from Orik's veiwpoint. I think that is good and really original.

we are in the midst of betrayal, but we still have faith.

Make all of the one line, it sounds better and makes it flow easier.

The only other thing i have to add is, Keep writing! Don't be discouraged.

S'arite. "Murtagh, how could you?" sounds too maudlin. Make the emotion here stronger.