It won't kill anyone

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“It Won’t Kill Anyone…”


A group of teenagers stood and talked loudly at the end of a quiet street. Two boys and a girl, maybe fourteen or fifteen years old. The girl was called Katy. Her friends were Bill and Charley. School had ended about half an hour ago and they were just hanging about, talking, complaining and swearing casually. Bill was cursing a teacher who had given him detention for not knowing the capital of Malaysia.
“Honestly,” he sighed. “I didn’t think I would ever get out of that stupid classroom!”
“You were s’posed to memorize the capitals for homework, remember?” Katy giggled.
“Like I have nothing better to do,” he scoffed.
“Maybe this will cheer you up Billy,” grinned Charley, bringing out a dark bottle filled with amber liquid. Bill grabbed it thankfully and took a swift swig before offering it to Katy. She backed away, holding her hands up. “No way. You can get drunk for all I care but keep me out of this.”
“What?” said Bill. “Come on, don’t be a drag. Take some.”
“Nah. Let her run,” shrugged Charley. “So long as she doesn’t grass on us. She won’t anyway. She’s a wimp!” He grinned nastily at her, showing his yellow teeth.
“I’m not,” she snapped back. “I just don’t want to get a hangover.”
“Just take some,” demanded Bill. “It won’t kill anyone.”
She took the bottle and sipped tentatively. There wasn’t much left in the bottle. Not enough to get drunk by anyway. It was strong and tangy and revolting. She gagged and her friends laughed. She downed the whole bottle in one gulp and threw it carelessly away.
Later, the teenagers went away to watch football on Bill’s TV.
The bottle still lay there, smashed in the middle of the road, the dark glass glinting in the sun like black crystals.

Mr. Peters was going to pick up his son at the airport. Suddenly his car was jolted as if he had gone over a speed bump and the whole thing sagged to one side. Mr. Peters swore. The tyre must have burst. He got out and walked round to the front bumper. Bending down, he saw the cause. A bottle had been smashed on the road and had pierced his tyre.
He had swept up the remaining glass so no other drivers would be forced to stop. He found a tiny piece of the glass was still in the tyre.
He found the small, incredibly sharp piece. He glanced at it with little interest before chucking it in the grass beside the pavement where he thought it would cause no more harm.

A fat, black and white bird was perched on a tree next to the road. Every now and again, a car or a bus would roar past and the magpie would bolt quickly to the uppermost branches fearfully, squawking indignantly. Then she would fly back down to her original branch, tail twitching, until the next vehicle came that way.
Something shiny caught her eye. A miniature piece of green glass. In a flurry of feathers, she had landed on the ground and was hopping forward, trying to get a better view of what she had seen. It was very pretty and the magpie wanted to take it to make her nest. She scooped it up in her beak and beat her wings, taking off effortlessly.
To get to her nest, she had to cross the airport. It wasn’t far but she had to be careful. Her friends had warned her of giant birds that nested in the airport and hunted on little birds like magpies and pigeons and seagulls. She flew, her legs tucked under her and her wings flapping, expertly catching the right updrafts and propelling her forwards.
She was racing up a wide strip of gray land like a road only much wider, divided down the middle with long, white lines. Suddenly there was a roar behind her and, without moving her head, she swiveled round to see not a bird as her friends had told her, but a huge machine. She shrieked and quickened her pace. She was high up from the ground, the giant bird machine was going in to land. It was colossal and evil looking. The wings were spread out an incredible length and were oddly stiff. They didn’t flap like normal birds’ wings.
It was gaining on her. She could escape. She was lighter, faster than that big, heavy beast. The piece of glass still clutched in her beak slowed her down. But she didn’t want to let go of it.
She was being sucked backwards now. No longer moving forwards but backwards into a gaping black hole on the bird machines wings. It was so close. Feet away.
It was over in seconds. One moment, the magpie was frantically pumping her wings in a desperate attempt to survive, the next...nothing. She never had a chance.

Katy stared glumly at the television screen in her kitchen. Her mum was watching the news. The newsreader looked grim as he spoke about an explosion at the airport. A bird had flown into one of the engines and the whole thing had just blown up. A wing had been blown off entirely and loads of people had been killed. Of coarse, there were rumours that it was another terrorist attack, but these were yet to be proved.
A teacher from Katy’s school was being interviewed. Mr. Peter’s son had been on the plane and was one of the dead.
Katy shrugged, going back to her breakfast. It didn’t concern her. If she could have done something to change it, then that would have been different. But there was nothing she could have done so it didn’t matter. It was yet another disaster in a messed up world as far as she was concerned.


*thanks for reading and please review. I would appreciate all reviews, good or bad!*
i actually enjoy editing poeples stories - so if you would like me to edit your story, please send me a PM. I think it would be easier than me simply criting your work and certainly much more thourough!




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I liked it.

It was very pretty and the magpie wanted to take it to make her nest.

I think you can find a better description than "very pretty" not that it's all that important.

One more thing, whenever you have a different person talk it needs to be a
new paragraph like
“Maybe this will cheer you up Billy,” grinned Charley, bringing out a dark bottle filled with amber liquid. Bill grabbed it thankfully and took a swift swig before offering it to Katy. She backed away, holding her hands up.

“No way. You can get drunk for all I care but keep me out of this.”

“What?” said Bill. “Come on, don’t be a drag. Take some.”

“Nah. Let her run,” shrugged Charley. “So long as she doesn’t grass on us. She won’t anyway. She’s a wimp!” He grinned nastily at her, showing his yellow teeth.

“I’m not,” she snapped back. “I just don’t want to get a hangover.”

“Just take some,” demanded Bill. “It won’t kill anyone.”


At least that's why I've been told it helps make it more clear whose talking.
I really liked how you made the bird seem like a person. I was sad when it died. The way you tied all of the events and your message together was great.

Hoped that helped

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First off, this'll be easier to read if you space out your paragraphs. :)

A group of teenagers stood and talked loudly at the end of a quiet street.

Heh, maybe it's just me, but I think "an otherwise quiet street" would make more sense. ;)

The girl was called Katy. Her friends were Bill and Charley.

This could be just me again, but straightaway I thought of Bill and Charlie from Harry Potter...

Your dialogue here is good. Just don't overuse replacements of "said".

She took the bottle and sipped tentatively. There wasn’t much left in the bottle.

Saying "bottle" twice so close together sounds a little weird. I don't think you need "in the bottle" in the second sentence at all.

She downed the whole bottle in one gulp and threw it carelessly away.
Later, the teenagers went away to watch football on Bill’s TV.
The bottle still lay there, smashed in the middle of the road, the dark glass glinting in the sun like black crystals.

Nicely chilling.

"Tyre" is spelled "tire".

He had swept up the remaining glass so no other drivers would be forced to stop. He found a tiny piece of the glass was still in the tyre.
He found the small, incredibly sharp piece. He glanced at it with little interest before chucking it in the grass beside the pavement where he thought it would cause no more harm.

These sentences all seemed rather dry to me. I think it's because the structure is all the same. "He had... He found... He found... He glanced..." Try to vary it a bit.

I can't find anything to pick apart in the rest... It was sad. :( Your tone seemed to change a little when you shifted to the bird (such as using simpler descriptions, like "very pretty"), and I think it worked well.

This story was nice, and I liked how you tied everything together. The cynical teens, the father going to meet his son, the innocent bird... Good work. :)




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Okay. I like the idea that one little event can cause such a big chain of reactions and affect so many things.

However, I did not enjoy reading this much. I felt like there was wayyyy too much telling for this type of writing and not enough showing. I also had a problem with the sudden change in subjects, I think they need to flow better together instead of completely changing subjects and days and all of that out of the blue.

Bottomline is the idea is good, but the expression of it was not the best. Sorry I can't be more clear, but those were the only things I pulled out and could pinpoint about the story that seemed to be holding it down.

Happy Editing.
WM
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The girl was called Katy. Her friends were Bill and Charley


This sounds like something a seven year old would write. I think you could write something better to improve this little piece.
Always happy to help!




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First of all, I really liked the idea of this. The whole concept of everything being related was intriguing. However....

I thought the first paragraph was kind of simply and choppy. I was waiting for more detail and complexity in how it was written. I think more detail would make it more relatable, almost like you were standing with the kids.

The middle about Mr. Peters was a little vague and rushed to me. Maybe expand on it.

The description of the bird was good and was probably my favorite part of this. I would see if you could take that kind of writing and apply it to the rest.

I also think that instead of just stopping each section and starting anew, you could try some transitions that make it flow. It would make it more cohesive and easier to read.

And I'm kind of new at this critique thing, so I don't know if you guys do grammer on this thing, but compoud sentences need a comma before the conjuction.




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To echo everyone else, I like the idea behind this, of everything being related and intertwined!

Of coarse, there were rumours that it was another terrorist attack, but these were yet to be proved.


Coarse here should be course.


The first paragraph seemed like a big info dump. Make sure that you show what's going on rather than tell.

“Honestly,” he sighed. “I didn’t think I would ever get out of that stupid classroom!”


I have two problems with this, but neither of them are things that you have to change, just my thoughts:

1) You just told us they were "swearing casually", which to me means that they swear easily. I guess it doesn't make sense to me that he would say "stupid" when he could use a stronger word.

2) Is it really likely that a teacher, no matter how mean, gives detentions to people who can't remember the capital of Malaysia? You could argue she gave him detention for not doing his homework, but how would the teacher know if he just forgot the capital or never memorized any? It's not a big deal, just something I thought of.

At the end, when you talk about Mr. Peters's son getting killed on that plane, it would hit the reader a lot harder if we actually cared for Mr. Peters. By that I mean that his section is the shortest of the three, and we as readers never connect or relate to the character. If you find a way to make us like him, we're more inclined to feel sympathetic when his son is killed. I did, however, feel bad for the poor bird being sucked into the engine. :(

I second Lily03 in that you should try to avoid using too many replacements of "said". Often, "said" is the best choice; the reader should be more focused on your dialouge than your dialouge tags, but I definitely noticed all the things like "scoffed", "demanded", and "sighed".


You have some good ideas here: mostly these suggestions are about the tightening of your writing and such.
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I personally love the theory of the butterfly effect, it's something that, for some reason, I think about a lot, and it bugs my friends to no end when I tell them stories about the Olympic gymnasts who end their careers thirty years from now tripping over the rock someone's juck kicked out of place on a trail. :D
But that was irrelevant...
The first paragraph was...well, frankly, I didn't like it at all. Instead of telling us their names out right, perhaps you could put in a bit more conversation?
Also, more about Mr. Peters would be good. Just a short sentence about how overjoyed he is that his son's coming home, since no one lives with him after his wife died five years ago, etc. The ending would be much more poignant that way, the idea that he killed his own son would have a much greater effect.
Great idea, though, I'd love to see the final copy!
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Can you not post in purple? Black is much easier on the eyes. :oops:

BlackDove wrote:Not enough to get drunk by anyway.

I think, and I could be wrong, that it should be "get drunk on," but I'm not entirely sure. Something about "get drunk by" just doesn't sound right, but I can't put my finger on why.
(Oh, wait. I see that you're in Scotland. I think prepositions might be different there than they are in the States. If that's the case, just ignore me.)

The story was interesting, if a little preachy. There was not a lot of detail, either. It was just "he did x, then y." We're never really told in much detail how the characters are feeling, or even what they look like.

I'm not really sure that a bird in the jet engine can blow up a plane. (I think.) (There's a Wikipedia article on bird strikes; be warned, though, there are some pretty disturbing images of dead things. There's a more generic article on foreign object damage, without the gross pictures.)

I think the idea is a good one, but that the story itself needs to be expanded on.
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I liked this

I really like the idea that one action can create a chain reaction.

Some of it wasn't very well-written, but overall it was very good (and I shouldn't be talking about well-written)

:) :)




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Pyxis wrote:I liked this

I really like the idea that one action can create a chain reaction.

Some of it wasn't very well-written, but overall it was very good (and I shouldn't be talking about well-written)

:) :)

I agree with Pyxis. I also find the butterfly effect very interesting, and I enjoyed reading it. A little more info about Mr. Peters would be helpful, though, I felt that paragraph was a little short. I did like the part with the bird, and how we saw what happened through it's eyes.
If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. ~Lord Byron

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BlackDove --

I liked the concept. The problem was the execution.

I agree with WM in that it seemed like you were telling us too much and not doing enough showing. The sentences are also too similar; you might want to mix up their structures. There's too much "they did this..."

You should double-space the paragraphs; it'll make this a lot easier to read. Also change the text color to black.

With the dialogue, you should keep in mind that "she said" is fine sometimes. You don't always need to use an adverb; it can be distracting.

As Meep pointed out, it's very unlikely that a bird could cause a whole plane to crash. While that seems off, I do like the cause-and-effect theme of this as a whole.

Good luck with your future stories! :D

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