Chasing Rainbows Chapter 1

deleted6 · 2007-03-09T08:11:26Z

The enclosure reverberated with noise, lights shone from glittering lamps and various perfumes and other bodily smells emanated off the people. Slowly the noise subsided as there eyes turned towards the middle to see a middle-aged man walking out dressed entirely in red, a inky black hat balancing proudly on his head - the rim shielding his right eye; a long bright light following his movement all the way to the centre. Once the noises halted, he spoke. “Ladies and gentlemen... now the moment you’ve all been waiting for,” the man’s voice boomed, “the most popular act of the night featuring son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats Antio and Melissa. The brother and sister duo Alexzander and Sierra, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck’!” The spectators broke out in a frenzy of applause. The man again waited until all were quiet, “Tonight we’ll see if Alexzander and Sierra will succeed where their parents failed? Or will they fall short ending their successful career in a night?” While he spoke, he took a sideward glance at Antio, smirking malevolently. The spectator let out sounds of amazement comprised of ooooh’s and aaaaah’s, their eyes full of wonder and hungering for entertainment. Alexzander heard nothing as he bowed several times and smiled, arrogantly rolling his eyes, down at the peasants who wouldn’t dare try this. Though they still watched others agog, as they performed what they considered impossible; during these times it was understandable that they begged to be entertained, though on no account was this worth the extra salary he got to keep moral alive during times of war. Still, no doubt many of them had lost someone in this god-awful conflict which everyone but the religious authority and government of Loka’saw wanted to end. It had been going for twenty long years. He knew that they all loved him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men. He gave them what they asked for and scarcely failed in any of his feats. His family was known all through the continent of Loka’saw, him especially. Before he leapt from his position of the tall wooden pillar, he looked around the sea of faces in the crowded ring, responding to the cheering by giving a final wave; arrogant as it was. It was the most daring thing he had ever done. He felt like at this point nothing could stop him. He was invulnerable and he wouldn’t make the same mistake his father had. Alexzander Yeasa’s career would flourish and burn everlastingly! His sister, Sierra, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him, she was a few years older than him, long blond hair elegantly decorated her face, which she always kept loose; for she had expressed to him many times that she loved feeling of hair flying as she fell. It glistened in the blinding lights of the circus, making it appear heavenly golden. Her thick, eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her powdery white face. Her lips were decorated with crimson lipstick, which shimmered gracefully on her fragile youthful face. She wore silver bracelets up to her elbows so they would catch the light as she sailed through the air. All this was to make her appear more angelic than the other performers of the circus. Alexzander smiled to him self because even when she wasn’t in her costume she still looked liked an acrobatic angel. Many of the men and adolescent boys had tried vainly to flirt and gain his sister love, but she politely refused. After she’d told him that she just wasn’t ready. She looked slightly nervous her feet shifting about. But she was ready as she looked at him again. Her face was resolute. Their mum and dad called out encouraging words from below. He closed his eyes, grinning from ear to ear as he jumped from the platform supported by tall wooden column coloured red and blue. On the opposite side was his sister on a shorter column. His sister's job was to catch him at the last minute. They were finally considered skilled enough to try this. He felt, not scared in the least as he could feel the wind rushing through his whole body, then he was aware of his sister grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she’d been on. Her nervousness showing as her hand was drenched with sweat. Sierra continued. She climbed on the trapeze, and then while it still moved, she leapt backwards on to the higher column, her beautiful long blond hair flying free. She landed on the taller column and sighed in relief. But now it was time for her the finale. Leaping she caught with her legs and looped them round the stool; then she raised two fingers to her lips and gave a shrill whistle. Alex leapt off backwards. Still holding on with her legs she caught him with both arms and with almighty strength she threw him into the air. He landed on the stool. She whistled again and he vaulted back to his own column with his eyes still closed. Sierra swung a few more times on trapeze performing various stunts on her own; then leapt back on to her column. Alexzander opened his eyes as the crowd erupted into joyful applause, the bright fluorescents lights dazzling him briefly as he strained to see. He turned round and saw Sierra on his pillar smiling and blowing kisses to all her admirers. The look of nervousness she had originally vanished, there had been no reason for her to be nervous anyway. He winked at her grinning and bowed, embracing the admiration. He took one last bow as the applause continued then began his descent down the ladder. Sierra blew a few more kisses and followed him down shortly after. Before his foot even touched the dirt floor, his mum swept him up in a tight embrace. “Well done! Oh, well done! You were so amazing up there, your father and I --” Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd. His tarry hair fell to his sure - but calculating green eyes. His tall stature made him stand out as he gazed at all those who seemed to worship him. He waved his lengthy arms at them before placing them on one of the pillars. Signs of a moustache were visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the wooden pole, chipping some paint off. His dad came towards them, grinning. “Well done, both you and Sierra performed the act perfectly!” their father said heartily, “You amazed me tonight, both of you!" Sierra came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from their parent. "I admit, Alexzander, I was scared and worried." Sierra began clearly flustered but also excited "Weren’t you worried? Even though it felt amazing, I still worried," Sierra asked as she looked into his sharp eyes. “Sierra, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear? We were born to last.” “Even if we were lucky tonight, doesn’t mean we will be lucky forever. Sometimes I worry that our luck will run out.” “Never fear,” Alexzander said cockily, “People, like ourselves don’t burn out like fireworks; we are fiery stars.” “It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you! Just be careful,” Sierra continued, “I’d rather you were a little careful than be shot into the dust because you attempted to reach too high.” “When have I ever shot too high?! You’ve nothing to fear. I’ll be careful,” Alexzander said calmly, holding back laughter of disbelief. Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star? Before Sierra walked away she added, “Don’t shoot too high my brother! Eventually shooting stars burn out.” “I’ll be fine!” How dare she, how dare she - accuses me of shooting too high. I’ll last, the strong and fearless last, the weak and puny fall. My dear, dear sister it shall be you who doesn’t last. Not I. Sierra looked back, opening her mouth slightly as if she were going to add something but when she saw his livid expression she turned back round and continued to walk. Now severely irritated, he left the big top also heading for his trailer After all the guests had left and the older staff began to sweep up the messes left behind, the owner of the circus strode over to Alexzander’s parents. “Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s! Antio, Melissa, your children have phenomenal talent and skill. They could really go places.” Chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat. Antio took a step closer; his posture growing tense, saying, "No, no. I’ve told you before Jared I’m not interested in any such deal or undertaking with you! I may be handicap, but I know you’ve other such business Jared Lyons and I wouldn’t trust you with anything as special to me as our only son and daughter! We are family; we shall stay a family and always be a family!” Melissa nodded in agreement her eyes full of intense hatred, “Jared Lyons, just be glad we can’t find work else where. For I’d rather I was far away from you with my family.” “But Antio your children can really go far! They could leave and earn more money elsewhere!” added the ring master who bobbed his head in agreement to his own statement. “No Jared you just don’t get it, do you? They’re staying here and don’t think I don’t know you’re various connections. You can’t have Sierra or Alexzander. Grow up; you call yourself a man, the girl only nineteen! She’s not yours to have. “Very well, but remember, I started you off and could very well end your career," he sneered, "or should I say ‘family business’ like this--” With that he took the whip in his hand and cracked it on the ground, laughing at his clever example. Antio made a fist but his wife quickly grabbed his arm, preventing him from striking the man’s nose. The man stopped laughing when he saw the fist and, waving his finger to and fro, said, “Now, now, now, Antio you should try to control your temper especially as you wouldn’t last very long in a fight. Oh did you forget the little problem of walking? Too bad! Now get out my sight, Before I send your whole family on to the streets!” Melissa and Antio decided it was time to head back to their trailers. Antio thought about how his two children had both managed ‘Blind Luck’ and had shown their teamwork skills. It made him proud to be their father. The rain spattered down creating puddles in the turf. Antio and his wife hurried along, not wanting to get their performance costumes wet. In the distance, the sounds of circus music played in a new mournful tune. The circus had been his life for so long. Many kids dreamed of running away to the circus, but he felt he needed to settle down with his family. At dinner, he thought to himself as he and his wife darted to their room, I will ask them. As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices. He looked over his shoulder but saw nothing. He escorted his wife to her room before he pushed open his thick, wooden door. He suddenly felt uneasy; something was different but just couldn’t figure out what. He turned his head and realized the window was open. He locked it, knowing that it was shut before he left for the night. A knock interrupted the silence. “Who is it?” “It’s Sierra. I want to talk to you,” answered the feminine voice coming from out in the rain. “Can’t this wait for dinner?” “No Dad, sorry, it can’t.” “Very well,” he replied unlocking the door. She walked in, water dripping from her clothes creating a small puddle. “Well, my daughter, what can’t wait until dinner?” “Its Alexzander. It scares me how he never seemed afraid during ‘Blind Luck’. I have to ask, were you afraid father?” “What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformed it?” Antio eyes fell over his leg, the night coming back so vividly. “I mean… Suddenly he cried out agonizingly and bent over, “Arrrrrrrrrrgh…” Sierra shot to his side her face laden with worry, “Dad! Father! You okay?” Antio pushed her away angrily and stood up his eyes awash with tears “That was long ago… I’d rather not talk about it…” She admired her father strength, but didn’t want him to over do it, “Father please sit down, it’s not good for you to stand without your crutch.” He winced angrily, “Sierra, it’s a matter of pride, Jared takes all chances he can to taunt me about my problem. And sadly I’ve grown jealous of you and Alexzander success…” Antio fell back against the seat and sighed miserably, “How can you look up to me, when you soar like a bird, totally free and I gaze with such sadness…” Pointing towards the drawers he gestured towards his crutch, “Sierra be a dear and get my crutch, even if it makes me half of a man, I need it…” She hated seeing her Father so miserable, but she needed to know. She gulped nervously her hands shaking, “Father were you afraid?” Laying his head in his hands he took the crutch, “Please… please you’ve got your life, I’m half a man, don’t remind me of my failings!” Moving a little closer she nervously probed, she had to be sure, “Father, I need to know!” Standing up he stood over her, and looked into her eyes, “Go… now!” Antio was left wondering who could have been in here. He remembered the talk with his boss. That man had an awful lot of power throughout this area, which worried but strengthened Antio; that man would not break up his family. He changed slowly, pulling his circus costume off until he was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror. Antio was very muscular and had a white wolf tattoo howling on his back. His hair was black like ink, except in one spot where he was balding. His eyes were dark, sparkling water drops. He had short fluffy bread reaching to his neck. His features were finely chiseled. Many of his admirers loved him but they were slowly shifting towards his handsome son. Antio started to slip on his formal clothes, a pair of polished black shoes, some well-worn black trousers and his dinner jacket, almost mechanically. He took one last look at this room; it had been his home ever since he had been taken in by the ring master. The room was nothing amazing, but to him it was home. A long narrow bed, a few knick-knacks he had collected were scattered around the room along with posters advertising and praising his performances and acts and his children’s’ shows were arranged on the walls next to his, starting with Sierra as a young girl. A wardrobe was propped against the other wall and had housed all the costumes he’d ever had. The whole boarding room seemed quaint and happy, but to Antio it was a room full of lost memories. Antio pushed the door open and headed out to meet his family for dinner, smiling. It had stopped raining. ******************************* Alexzander was lying on his mattress, contemplating. Sierra sure had struck his nerve. Why should he of been afraid? He’d practiced thousands of times before every time as graceful and well done as the last. He sighed, ruffling his hands through his hair in frustration. Why had her words affected him so much? Alexzander sighed. He had no time to think about these frivolous things. He hadn’t died doing the stunt and wasn’t planning on doing so. He couldn’t. His sister was just jealous at his talent. He smirked at the ingenuity of it. Well, if my dearest sister Sierra is jealous, he thought to himself, then it’s time to raise the stakes even higher! *********************************** The circus master grinned. He posed in front of his mirror, speaking to himself in a businesslike manner, holding blank applications in his hands, “It’s not easy to find fresh talent! For god sake they have so much potential! Alexzander and Sierra, oh, how they rake in the customers. But that father of theirs, ooh, so stubborn. My, my, that could lead to some problems, don’t you agree?” He held his hand out to his reflection before he sat down. He leaned back in his chair, running his bony fingers through his short russet hair. His dark dark brown - almost black eyes were calm, but sadistic. The crimson ringleader uniform was now creased, ruffled, and looking less magnificent than it was in the main tent. He grinned maliciously, “Maybe…” he pondered, “just maybe the father needs some good old fashioned persuasion.” He laughed sinisterly. “When I’m finished with that snooty Antio his family would need a new manager that would be able to… walk!” He chortled, amused, adding the finishing touches onto his thoughts, knowing that nobody could accuse him of not having high ambitions. ********************************** The chairs scuffled as the family entered. Laid on the table was no banquet, just pittance, compared to what their boss had. Some old candle sticks made up the center piece. Antio and Melissa’s wedding present-- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery lay organized on the delicate lace tablecloth. In front of them there was a leg of well-roasted pork, some potatoes garnished with fresh butter, and some freshly baked aromatic garlic bread. Melissa handed out the plates to everyone. Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glass for himself and his wife. Sierra and Alexzander then helped themselves to milk. Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Sierra interrupted, making him spill some onto the table, he growled. “Alex. Listen and understand; it’s not wrong to show fear!” Alexzander slammed the jug down and hollered, “Sierra you’re a weakling and always will be one! You’re just jealous and if that’s how you feel then let’s see who is best!” Sierra stood up, knocking the chair backwards. She was stunned at her brother’s angry reaction but she stood her ground, “Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best. We’re both skilled so let’s not argue.” Alexzander sneered, indignantly adding, “You’re such a wet blanket. It’s amazing you are even doing stunts with someone as talented as moi.” Sierra lip quivered slightly and her eyes well up with stinging tears. She then spoke taking a deep breath after each sentence, “I don’t want to fight. I want us to remain friends. I’m just concerned for you.” Alexzander saw his parents frowning at him, hoping he wouldn’t speak, but impulsively he rolled his eyes and said. “Friend? I wouldn’t even count you as an enemy -- someone as pathetic as you.” Sierra shrieked through her tears, “Alexzander, your arrogance has cost you your sister and friend! I just hope it just doesn’t cost you your life.” She ran out door wailing loudly. Alexzander took one look at his Dad and saw he was angry, then he turned to his mum seeing disappointment in her face. Alexzander knitted his eyebrows and yelled, “What?” His mum looked at him and replied “Alexzander, we don’t mind if you were afraid. It’s completely normal.” “Why can’t my family just get it? I wasn’t afraid!” Melissa looked down onto the floor and Antio with blind fury in his eyes pointed towards the entrance. Alexzander stormed out.

Esmé

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Points 14170

Reviews 571

Fri Nov 02, 2007 7:55 pm

Esmé says... · Fri Nov 02, 2007 7:55 pm

Vernon,

First of all (again), sorry for the delay on your crit. I was supposed to have it done days ago. Yeah, well. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say anything constructive seeing as you already had swarms and swarms of awesome critter, and I only skimmed through them. Here it goes.

# 1 - Characters. Your character are, in my opinion, very well-written and had their own personalities. I really felt for your MC, Alexzander, but also for the minor characters. The audience had a lie of their own, too, and so you get top marks for characters.

# 2 - In this text there were a few awkward sentences. Those include improper use of a tense, some comma issues, using a lot of the same word (repetitive ‘she’, e.g., one after another, and then an extra one in the next sentence, too). Anyway, I’ll avoid quoting each and every sentence, lol, because that would be irritating both for you and me. Down here’ll be some examples, though my advice concerning the rest would be to read aloud some fragments. (P.S. These mostly include commas)

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Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, he knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men.
He knew = knowing (that way it won’t be run on). Comma after exhilarated.

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His sister, Tea, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him.
Comma before ‘grinning’

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He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on
What's with the felt?

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Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd.
Run-on as it is, add a linking word, e.g. ‘and’.

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“Don’t shoot too high my brother!
Comma

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“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s!
Comma.

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“But Antio your children can really go far!
After ‘such’ expression, always comma.

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As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices.
Comma.

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Why should he of been afraid?
Have?

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Tea you’re a weakling and always will be one!
Comma.

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Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best.
Comma and whose = who’s

# 3 - Descriptions. They were absolutely fantastic, vivid and alive. The only thing I can be nitpicky about is you repeating some words like three times in only two sentences.

# 4 - Paragraphs. I decided to do a separate paragraph for this one, mostly because of the awe-inspiring chunk that you have near the beginning. It’s the only one that is so long, and it stands out not only visual-wise. At first glance, when the reader sees it, he or she just wants to skip it. Really. They even stop caring that they’ll miss something out, or that they won’t get to read such fantastic description. My advice to you is to split it. One ‘enter’, and everything’ll be fine.

# 5 Moments which could use more emotion. Your story flows wonderfully, and the characters are more or less brilliant, but at some points I feel a certain scene is done to quickly, that it is rushed. That the transfer between one emotion and the other is not smooth enough. That it’s just blunt, and in the negative sense of the word. An example of this is the conversation between the owners of the circus and Alexzander’s parents. I would like to see a more smooth transfer, and suggest adding more descriptions there, tags, emotions, body language, something of the sort. (The ending was good - just more through the conversation, and upon thinking about it a little longer, ignore what I said and add more facial expressions and general body language and everything’ll be awesome.
Also, the part where you have lots and lots (well, not so very lots) of dialogue, and no tags. Add at least some? Body language? (And no, this is not only me looking for more of those, no, not at all, no…)

# 6 Things that do not seem to fit into any category, but I’ll mention just because I’m a horrible, nitpicky crit who grumbles whatever you might do:

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Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
I suppose it can be this way it truly can. I think, however, that expanding it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I mean, I already know a lot about his character, and the sentence fits it, but it’s a little… blunt?

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They could really go places
I don’t understand this. At first I didn’t want to post it - cause it will probably turn out that I’m acting a bit stupid and this is just some weird English thingy - but then if it can be as it is, you’ll be nice and PM me with its meaning. (also, the chuckle after it: lower case, and comma before the ending quotes)

# 7 Multiple POVs - I think that was a really good idea, generally.

# 8 Plot. I’ve probably said this already (it really is late) but - very nice. Your story really drew me in - it did, really.

Okay, so that is the end of my critique on chapter one : ) If I said something weird (it is quite late, and I might have said some stupid things…), or if you have any questions - PM me.

Cheers,
Esme

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Golney

Gender

Points 2190

Reviews 16

Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:07 pm

Golney says... · Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:07 pm

for she had told him many times she loved feeling of hair flying

thefeeling

He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on.

This sentence is clumsy. Consider rephrasing it. You say he felt three times in this sentence, in reads something like he felt that he felt, which is clunky. Replace the comma before the word then with a period.

then while the trapeze still moved

I would replace with while the trapeze still swung, since my suggestion is more specific. Still, it may just be a matter of preference.

She swung a few more times on the trapeze, then she leapt back on to her column

“Tea, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear?...

I don't think acrobats are worshipped, or even really respected much, for that matter. Still, it's your story, you can do what you want. I think Alexzander is deluded, though you may have intended to bring that point across to the reader.

I didn't even get half-way through, as I have to go to artclass right now. I'll complete my review when I get back. As of right now, I suspect that Alex's is gonna be slapped in the face right now, but I'll just see how the story plays out.

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Golney

Gender

Points 2190

Reviews 16

Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:56 pm

Golney says... · Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:56 pm

***UPDATE

Okay, I'm back from art class, so I'll consumate the review.

“Don’t shoot too highcomma my brother! Eventually shooting stars burn out.”

“Well donecomma my Soaring Yeasa’s! Antio, Melissa, your children have amazing skill. They could really go placescomma” chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat.

“Nocomma sorry, it can’t.”

“Very well,” he repliedcomma unlocking the door.

"Father, its Alexzander. It scares me how he never [/b]seems[/b] afraid during ‘Blind Luck’. I have to ask, were you afraid father?”

“What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night, as I watched, or when I preformed it?” queried the man.

Why should he [b]have been afraid

For God's sakecomma, I think they have so much potential!

Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Tea interrupted, making him spill some onto the table. He growled.

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