Everything...(for lack of a better title)

6 posts
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Gender Female
Points 1825
Reviews 142
Everything I do
Everything I say
Never seems to be enough
To keep your mind at bay.

Why must you expect more from me,
than what I have to offer you?
Why is it that, you, my mother,
cannot be one of the few:
that excepts me for me,
that I can talk to,
that loves me unconditionally,
that I can laugh with?

But I'm always too weird,
I can't do anything right,
What is wrong with me,
that hides me from your sight?


*This is all I have. Feel free to comment; this was just written by the way, it's been a hectic evening.*
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) <3

Please review my performance poem?




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 46
First of all, you've got some major grammar issues.

When talking about people, use "who," not "that."
that excepts me for me,
that I can talk to,
that loves me unconditionally,
that I can laugh with?


And that should say "accepts," not "excepts."
accept:
To answer affirmatively: accept an invitation.
To agree to take (a duty or responsibility).
To regard as proper, usual, or right: Such customs are widely accepted.
To regard as true; believe in: Scientists have accepted the new theory.
To understand as having a specific meaning.

except:
If it were not for the fact that; only. Often used with that: I would buy the suit, except that it costs too much.
Otherwise than: They didn't open their mouths except to complain.
Unless: "And ne'er throughout the year to church thou go'st/Except it be to pray against thy foes" (Shakespeare).

(dictionary.com)
So. that stanza should be:

who accepts me for me,
who I can talk to,
who loves me unconditionally,
who I can laugh with?

I like the idea, there's obviously a lot of frustration in there.

"hides me from your sight" doesn't seem right there, you're talking about why your mom isn't happy with the way you are, not why she doesn't notice you. If you want to talk about being unnoticed, do so, but start a new stanza, and write a whole stanza, not just one missplaced line.
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky."
~Solomon Short

"We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
~Oscar Wilde




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Gender Female
Points 1825
Reviews 142
ok...thanks. yeah, definitely a lot of frustration in there. And, as a small side not, I hate grammar. It all looked good to me when I wrote it. Thanks again.
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) <3

Please review my performance poem?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 46
No problem. I am the Grammar Nazi. :D
And, I forgot to say it, but I really like the first stanza. It sounds good in my head (which is a very strange place).
And your poem really speaks to me, my mom...whatever. I'm rambling and complaining, I'll shut up now. :D
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky."
~Solomon Short

"We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
~Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 23
good...just remember that whenever you have puncuation, there is a pause (though the length of that pause depends on what the author wants). You have a lot of talent with lyric poetry...you should write it more often.


-faded




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 43
OK, since I'm a firm believer in getting the bad out of the way first, here goes.
The main problem with this is flow: it was all kinds of wrong. A poem, in my opinion, should be either free-flowing (long, graceful lines, with little punctuation), or short and choppy. This was neither, and both, which makes it hard to read.

But I'm always too weird,
I can't do anything right,


There's simply too many words and sylables in that, and not enough structure.
Second (and last) problem: imagination. The poem feels a bit boring, unfortunately. I don't mean you need to put epic imagery into it or anything like that, but some more creative words would have been nice.

And the good things (which I'm keeping minimal, coz I always do): the idea is very good, depressing in a positive way. Also, this is lyric poetry so getting across feelings is very important, and this was done very well. Its written in a frustrated, yet almost sympathtic way, which I like.
Good work.
I have an idea about these voices I hear
They're audible to everyone
Everyone but me



If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber