The Football Fraud

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As the heavy door eased shut, the yearbook office lapsed back into its usual oasis of silence. The rowdy halls of Milton High School were drown out by the steady tapping of the keyboard and occasional rustle of paper. My footsteps seemed to echo as I moved towards the far corner of the room. I positioned myself in front of Mrs. Kennison’s desk, and waited for an acknowledgement.

“Hello, Delia,” she said with a brief smile.

I smiled back, and slid a stapled report onto her cluttered desk.“I finished it,” I announced. My lip grew sore as I gnawed on it, waiting for her to finish skimming over the neat type. “Destined for Something More- How Kelly Elroy ’08 Launched her Art Career” extended across the first page, followed by a sea of quotes and commas.

“Wow,” Mrs. Kennison muttered, still glancing at the last paragraphs, “This is impressive. You sure you’re only a sophomore?”

I sighed, as relief seeped into my tense muscles. “So it can go in the paper?”

“Definitely. Start thinking about what you’re going to write for next month’s issue.”


I was still grinning as I re-entered the hall. In the midst of trying to orient myself in the general direction of my next math class, a bobbing brown ponytail distracted me.

“Chelsea!” The ponytail whipped around, revealing a pale face pierced with dark brown eyes. She waved, sending bracelets jingling. I hurried to catch up.

Warm skin brushed my upper arm. I yelped melodramatically, as my shoulder made contact with a locker, sending streamers and flyers scattering across the floor. A few people laughed openly, while the guy who had bumped into me shouted a hurried apology over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes, and bent down to retrieve a “Good Luck Matt!” poster from its position on the linoleum floor. Chelsea reached for a streamer inches away.

“Way to go, Delia,” she teased, “Not only do you slam into a locker, you slam into the hot-shot quarterback’s locker.”

“Yeah, that’s pure skill right there.” We hastily tacked the papers back onto the locker, leaving it looking more like Mrs. Kennison’s desk than the shrine it had been earlier.

“Matt’s such a moron anyway,” Chelsea began, her eyes sparkling mischievously, “Ok, you know how he’s in my U.S History class? Well, the bonus question on a test was something like ‘who was the first president of the United States?’”

My mouth dropped. “I want to be in your class!”

“Yeah, I know, it was a total gimme question. Matt said that it was George Bush.”

I bent over laughing, as my backpack slid off my shaking shoulder.

“Yeah, he’s like ‘I got confused!’ He’s so stupid.” Now Chelsea was laughing just as hard as I was. Somewhere in the adjoining math wing, I caught my breath again, and the laughing fit subsided.

“So is he really that dumb? I thought you had to have a C average or something like that to be on a sports team.” I asked, more to break the silence that we had fallen into.

“Beats me,” she said with a shrug, “He must have OK grades.” She waved, as I swerved into room 102.

“Delia,” I jumped. “You did very well on your test,” my teacher exclaimed, handing me a sheet adorned with a big red A.

“Thanks,” I said slowly, glancing over the test. Three questions were flawed with red x’s, and I had still gotten an A. I vaguely wondered if Matt’s tests resembled this. As I sank into a desk, I pulled out a sheet of notebook paper. An article was in the making.




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Overall a piece that made me want to read more! Are you going to continue? Please...
I don't have time, I'm afraid, to go over your piece with a fine-toothed comb at this particular time, but really overall it looked fairly devoid of errors, well-written and clearly stated. Congrats, and continue...
Yours always, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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Method a la Spark: Blue is highlighted for change/comments. Bolded things are my comments. Anything in [brackets] is stuff I've added or changed. Anything underlined get rid of.

As the heavy door eased shut, the yearbook office lapsed back into its usual oasis Sanctuary, perhaps? I don't like oasis there. Something can't really lapse into and out of being an oasis. of silence. The rowdy halls of Milton High School were drown[ed] out by the steady tapping of the keyboard and [an] occasional rustle of paper. My footsteps seemed to I hate those two words... did they echo or didn't they? echo as I moved towards the far corner of the room. I positioned myself in front of Mrs. Kennison’s desk, and waited for an acknowledgement.

“Hello, Delia,” she said with a brief smile.

I smiled back, and slid a stapled report onto her cluttered desk.“I finished it,” I announced. My lip grew sore as I gnawed on it, waiting for her to finish skimming over the neat type. “Destined for Something More- How Kelly Elroy ’08 Launched her Art Career” extended across the first page, followed by a sea of quotes and commas. You seem to have a weird choice of verbs now that I think about it. Two things that jump out at me are that lips don't really grow and words don't really extend... It's like misplaced personification to me. JMHO.

“Wow,” Mrs. Kennison muttered, still glancing at the last paragraphs, “This is impressive. You sure you’re only a sophomore?”

I sighed, as relief seeped into my tense muscles. “So it can go in the paper?”

“Definitely. Start thinking about what you’re going to write for next month’s issue.”


I was still grinning as I re-entered the hall. In the midst of trying to orient myself in the general direction of my next math class, a bobbing brown ponytail distracted me.

“Chelsea!” The ponytail whipped around, revealing a pale face pierced with dark brown eyes. She waved, sending bracelets jingling. I hurried to catch up.

Warm skin brushed my upper arm. I yelped melodramatically, as my shoulder made contact with a locker, sending streamers and flyers scattering across the floor. A few people laughed openly, while the guy who had bumped into me shouted a hurried apology over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes, and bent down to retrieve a “Good Luck Matt!” poster from its position on the linoleum floor. Chelsea reached for a streamer inches away.

“Way to go, Delia,” she teased, “Not only do you slam into a locker, you slam into the hot-shot quarterback’s locker.”

“Yeah, that’s pure skill right there.” We hastily tacked the papers back onto the locker, leaving it looking more like Mrs. Kennison’s desk than the shrine it had been earlier. I like that analogy

“Matt’s such a moron anyway,” Chelsea began, her eyes sparkling mischievously, “Ok, you know how he’s in my U.S History class? Well, the bonus question on a test was something like ‘who was the first president of the United States?’”

My mouth dropped. “I want to be in your class!”

“Yeah, I know, it was a total gimme question. Matt said that it was George Bush.”

I bent over laughing, as my backpack slid off my shaking shoulder.

“Yeah, he’s like ‘I got confused!’ He’s so stupid.” Now Chelsea was laughing just as hard as I was. Somewhere in the adjoining math wing, I caught my breath again, and the laughing fit subsided.

“So is he really that dumb? I thought you had to have a C average or something like that to be on a sports team.” I asked, more to break the silence that we had fallen into.

“Beats me,” she said with a shrug, “He must have OK I've read a few books who use OK like that in speech, and I found it distracting from the novel itself. I much prefer plain old okay. But again, JMHO grades.” She waved, as I swerved into room 102.

“Delia,” I jumped. “You did very well on your test,” my teacher exclaimed, handing me a sheet adorned with a big red A.

“Thanks,” I said slowly, glancing over the test. Three questions were flawed with red x’s, and I had still gotten an A. I vaguely wondered if Matt’s tests resembled this. As I sank into a desk, I pulled out a sheet of notebook paper. An article was in the making.
---

It was pretty good, but lacked a real pull. At this point it seems like just another teen highschool story. The only kind of unique part was the journalism, but I hope you don't make your main character "the best writer in the whole wide world," which it seems kind of like you're leaning towards.

Overall, you're a good writer with a decent story, and you know your mechanics which is more than I can say for most people our age. Good work, keep writing.

--Spark




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I’m not too sure which chapters come first, they all have the same title, but could you please number them one, two and three, etc? It would be helpful and I’ll know which part to read next.

Most people chose to capitalise OK, there is a part above where you do so and another part where you have “Ok”.

I don’t mean to be a pest, but Matt being the stupid hot-guy seems to have been done before—you know, he’s good looking but not too bright when it comes to actual school work. Are all ‘hot guys’ just dumb? And I didn’t understand why he had those ‘Good Luck’ leaflets, is he taking a test? Playing another game?

I liked that her plan came from a conversation, that is what happens to me when I’m trying to get new ideas or a chapter going, so well done on that.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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Points 890
Reviews 43
Not bad....
The characterisation is good, with every word and statement reflecting and suiting each character. It's simply, clearly written, which is good, making it easier to draw the reader in. And not to mention a nice bit of humour which compliments the style well.

The only problem I can see is that it dosen't really go anywhere. Sure, the characters are introduced well and there is a small bit of room for the forthcoming plot, but not much. You need to indicate where the story's going, how the character's wll interact etc. I'm not saying give away the plot, just elaborate a bit. Everything just seems a bit vague.

Good work overall though.
I have an idea about these voices I hear
They're audible to everyone
Everyone but me



When I use caps I do not want you to read it like a little screech, I want you to read it like a 5,000 year old ogre with the strength of 10,000 men.
— avianwings47