Valkyreminator- Valkyrie-Termination

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“Keep Going! You’re almost there!”

A distant voice echoed through the darkness which I have traveled, I have traveled endless nights and darkness which is my only path.

The only guidance I had is the echoing voice, and my will.

Thus I know nothing that lies ahead, nor salvation nor my purpose for threading the endless darkness.


#-01 Persistence of the warring angel.

“RIIIIINGGG” The deafening alarm wakes me up from my slumber, I quickly reached myself to the deafening clock and it stopped as I press its button.

Grunting, I force myself out of the bed, moaning and drowsy. My room, is just a small dumpy apartment which my parents rented for me, there is even barely any sunlight coming because its still dawn and sunrise has yet to come.

Good morning, my name is Frayn Gallagher, a single 16 years old male grade 13 student with a shaggy hair; I am an international student in some foreign country. My favorite meal is curry, I like drawing and anime, I also like online junkies. I weigh about 59 kilograms, and 174 cm tall, I am not good in sports and my favorite subject is Art.

Where I came from? You wouldn’t want to know.

Why am I here? You wouldn’t want to know.

Why you wouldn’t want to know? Because it’s safer to keep a low profile.

An omelet for breakfast and milk, I set my school uniforms and head to school. My school is just a public school which you can find almost anywhere, here is the place where I strife for my future and defend myself from bullies who picks on me because I have a weak physical ability.

Inside the hallway, there are students walking everywhere, some of them are in a hurry, some of them are opening their locker and such. I walked towards my classroom which is at the end of the long hallway.

Suddenly, my vision became dark, and I can feel a gentle pair of hands blocking my view.

“Guess who?” A soft gentle voice followed, and then the hands took off from my eyes.

I turned around and found the person who cared a lot about me. She’s my classmate, Ilea Aechraff who is about one and a half year older than me. Although she’s older than me, we’re still in the same class. It was because I was younger than everyone else.

Ilea Aechraf, a 17 years old girl who’s about 176 cm tall, she’s a cutie face, has a long and a little bit of shaggy blonde hair, a nice sexy body, approximately a C cup, excels in girls gymnastic, and a member of the archery club. She loves puppies and kittens, hates birds since they poop on her car. She’s a bit tomboy and she is usually the person who supports me when I am bullied due to my physical weakness. Because of that the bullies usually refer her as “Momma”.

“So, Fray, how are you this morning?” She smiles gently as we continued to chat and walk in the hallway.
“Well… same old stuff, except that weird dream kept on disturbing my sleep.” I replied.
Ilea laugh “You’re thinking too much, I know you’ve had this wet dream since 2 weeks ago…”
“Its not a Wet dream!” I snapped.
“Then why are you dreaming about a girl who’s been calling you all the time?” Ilea countered.
“I don’t know! How am I supposed to know?”
Ilea gave me a noogie and smirks “don’t you worry its part of growing up to become a man!”

The class starts, in the first period that voice clinging to my memory, echoes.

“Go! Now! There’s not much time! Unleash me from the darkness!” and the darkness sheathes my vision.



“Keep Going! You’re almost there!”

A distant voice echoed through the darkness which I have traveled, I have traveled endless nights and darkness which is my only path.

The only guidance I had is the echoing voice, and my will.

Thus I know nothing that lies ahead, nor salvation nor my purpose for threading the endless darkness.

The darkness, materializes itself, envelops the only light in distance, and glares of evil, halts my path.

“Don’t be consumed by the darkness! Believe!”

The darkness reached my arms, it burns and the darkness became darker, so dark that the darkness is unrecognizable. The blazing feel creeps through my spines, I began to lose my feel, I began to lose my feel on my arms, then my chest, it creeps on until my breath dissipates.

“No… don’t… give up! Don’t… give into the darkness.”





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“Keep Going! You’re almost there!”


‘Going’ shouldn’t be capitalised, you make the same mistake in the repeated part.

“RIIIIINGGG”


The correct way would be to write: Ring, and in italics.

The deafening alarm wakes me up from my slumber, I quickly reached myself to the deafening clock and it stopped as I press its button.


You quickly reached yourself? Just say you reached over to turn it off.

My room[,] is just a small dumpy apartment which my parents rented for me, there is even barely any sunlight coming because its still dawn and sunrise has yet to come.


The comma is incorrect.

Good morning, my name is Frayn Gallagher, a single 16 years old male grade 13 student with a shaggy hair; I am an international student in some foreign country. My favorite meal is curry, I like drawing and anime, I also like online junkies. I weigh about 59 kilograms, and 174 cm tall, I am not good in sports and my favorite subject is Art.


This really threw me off. Never introduce characters like this unless it is in your own private notes, this is info dump and could have been brought up in a conversation or later in the story.

My school is just a public school which you can find almost anywhere, here is the place where I strife for my future and defend myself from bullies who picks on me because I have a weak physical ability.


‘picks’ = pick

She’s my classmate, Ilea Aechraff who is about one and a half year older than me. Although she’s older than me, we’re still in the same class.


Notice the repetition.

Ilea Aechraf, a 17 years old girl who’s about 176 cm tall, she’s a cutie face, has a long and a little bit of shaggy blonde hair, a nice sexy body, approximately a C cup, excels in girls gymnastic, and a member of the archery club. She loves puppies and kittens, hates birds since they poop on her car. She’s a bit tomboy and she is usually the person who supports me when I am bullied due to my physical weakness. Because of that the bullies usually refer her as “Momma”.


Info dump again. And I really don’t like the mention of ‘C cup’. She’s his friend, and he seems to be perving on her.

Ilea laugh “You’re thinking too much, I know you’ve had this wet dream since 2 weeks ago…”


Write out numbers: two

Ilea gave me a noogie and smirks[,]don’t you worry its part of growing up to become a man!”


‘d’ is meant to be capitalised

The darkness reached my arms, it burns and the darkness became darker, so dark that the darkness is unrecognizable.


Repetition of ‘dark-’

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Hello.

Please make sure to critique two other pieces before posting your own work, so far you’ve only critiqued one.

Waking up from a dream is done too often and you could have thought of another opening. I didn’t like the info dumb because you could present characters is many ways without so much background, their ages, exact height, etc.

There was nothing special about, nothing that really made me want to read further so you should work more on the beginning.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote