The Stars...

I really didn't know where to put this poem. like in
which thread or catergory. oh whatever you people call it here.
so any tips where i should put it... i'd appreciate it!


Tonight the stars cast a beautiful blaze,
On my unnoticed face.
Now I see, the world is given overrated praise.
Truly, it is nothing more than a diminished god-forsaken place.

I’d rather be casted upon,
Than be a cast in this belittled world.
I choose tonight to never again worthlessly follow on,
But to instead shadow this truthful dream world.

For all the stars of Hollywood,
Note: there is greater amaze.
That’s larger than Robin Hood,
For tonight the stars are feeding off an everlasting gaze.

Forget all your concerns,
All the world has to provide,
And all of your earns.
Tonight we learn, we follow a worthless guide.

Hello!
I really liked rhyming blaze with praise, because it seems that so often we rhyme words with words of the same ending. (Blade with glade not aid, for example)

lostdork92 wrote:I’d rather be casted upon,
Than be a cast in this belittled world.
I choose tonight to never again worthlessly follow on,
But to instead shadow this truthful dream world.

This is alright, but I think it would be better to rhyme them with something other than themselves. I'm sure you can find something better than my version, but here's something to get your ideas flowing:

I wrote:I’d rather be casted upon,
Than be a cast in this belittled realm.
I choose tonight to never again worthlessly follow a pawn,
But to instead drive at this truthful dream's helm.

Good luck!


McMourning

Ok First I'd like to say I give you props for taking that middle stanza, rewriting it, getting the same point across, and not changing it.

Second I'd liked to say I disagree with you. As far as I'm concerned "upon" and "on" are too seperate words. But, you are right about "world". That was a lazy stanza there, I agree. I'd change it but I don't have the talent to change a stanza and get the same point across. But I do like your version!

Ooooo... I like the idea.

One thing I will suggest, because this is what caught me as far as the title, make it a little more metered. So cut down the syllables, etc., probably by cutting down some big adjectives. And I'll explain why...

Your title indicates this is going to be a darkly humorous poem, and your poem fits that bill. But because the lines are so lop-sided, it doesn't really flow smoothly. To give it a more ironic effect, you're going to want to make it more metered. And that will be good.

But I am loving the idea and the way you expressed it.

sorry this is a late response. but, um... thanks for the advice. you had a good point. & thanks for the compliment.