Cheering for you

I would really appreciate it if you'd take the time to read the whole thing (I know it's long) and comment. Thanks!

I see you on the stage.
I clap, I cheer.
When you finish your song,
red-faced, shining, proud,
I smile, I feel my heart beat
surely as fast as yours does.
And at the end,
I hug you, and smile,
I tell you
everyone loved you,
only lying a little bit.

And you smile back,
and run off to your
other friends.
Stage friends.
Actors.
Not like me.

And I wander away,
still wondering
if you’re coming
out of there
anytime soon.
I give up,
eventually.

Later, at night,
alone, in bed,
I dream of a stage.
But you aren’t there.
I am.
Front-and-center.
Spotlight.
Singing.
Acting.
Dancing.

I’m singing a duet
with Prince Charming
but everyone is
cheering
for me.
Always for me.

I finish my song,
red-faced, shining, proud,
I smile at the audience,
seeing no one
not even you.

But I know
you are there,
cheering
for me.
Always for me.

And that is why
I keep singing,
acting,
dancing.
For you.
Always for you.

And in my dream,
I re-live the song
over and over.
But I only notice you
once,
even though
I know
you are there.

I wake up happy,
still hearing people cheer
for me.
I catch a moment
alone,
and I sing,
quietly,
for myself.
And my dream is gone.
There is no magic
in my voice.
Not like yours.

My heart breaks
in half
in quarters
in eighths.
As I realize
I can’t be you.
I’ll never be up there.
on the stage,
finishing a song,
red-faced, shining, proud.

I’ll always be down
in the audience
cheering
for you.
Always for you.

It makes me sad
for a while.
But maybe,
just maybe,
it’s all for the best.

After all,
I didn’t notice you,
my friend,
when you were there,
cheering
for me.
Always for me.

You were there,
weren’t you?
And surely you
think of me
when I’m
cheering
for you.
Always for you.

Surely you run off
with your
other friends,
stage friends,
actors,
wishing
I could come, too.

Surely you notice me,
and your victory
is all the greater
because I was there.

Surely you notice me,
the way I didn’t
notice you.

Maybe if I said
I wouldn’t go,
you’d say
you wouldn’t, either.
Wouldn’t you?

Wouldn’t you notice
if I were gone?
Wouldn’t you care?
Or am I just
another face
in the crowd,
cheering
for you.
Always for you.

Surely I’m worth
more than that.
Aren’t I?
Even though I can’t
sing.
act.
dance.
Surely you still need me,
your friend.
Your non-stage friend.

You care, don’t you,
that I was there?
will always be there?
Or am I just
another face
in the crowd?

First thing I see is, organization. It makes it hard to read. You should consider make stanza's at each period, but thats totally up to you. Anyways, great job, keep up the writing!

Thanks...
I didn't want to give it any organization, that's how the words came out of my head (after watching over 75% of my friends perform in the last three weeks), and I didn't want to mess with them. I can try stanzas, I guess...I kind of associate stanzas with rhyming, even syllable counts, etc., and I wanted none of that...
I'll go try and see how it looks. Thanks for the advice!

chocolatechipmuffin wrote:Thanks...
I didn't want to give it any organization, that's how the words came out of my head (after watching over 75% of my friends perform in the last three weeks), and I didn't want to mess with them. I can try stanzas, I guess...I kind of associate stanzas with rhyming, even syllable counts, etc., and I wanted none of that...
I'll go try and see how it looks. Thanks for the advice!

Looks a lot better now! Good job!

Okay, the first thing I noticed is this is a bunch of whole and broken thoughts broken into stanzas...I'm not really sure that did anything for you at all.

I see you on the stage.
I clap, I cheer.
When you finish your song,
red-faced, shining, proud,
I smile, I feel my heart beat
surely as fast as yours does.
And at the end,
I hug you, and smile,
I tell you
everyone loved you,
only lying a little bit.

The repetition of 'you' one line after another here is annoying to a reader, I'm not completely sure that break is even appropriate with the rhythm because the rhythm is already jumping around. There needs to be some kind of punctuation after 'beat'.

And you smile back,
and run off to your
other friends.
Stage friends.
Actors.
Not like me.

this stanza was okay but completely different from your first stanza. I would refrain from starting things with 'and'.

And I wander away,
still wondering
if you’re coming
out of there
anytime soon.
I give up,
eventually.

This stanza is almost one complete sentence, it's only the four words at the end that make it TWO sentences. Again...the 'and' thing does nothing here.

Later, at night,
alone, in bed,
I dream of a stage.
But you aren’t there.
I am.
Front-and-center.
Spotlight.
Singing.
Acting.
Dancing.

by this stanza the rhythm has been run over by a truck. the first two lines here are cut up by the unneeded commas.

I’m singing a duet
with Prince Charming
but everyone is
cheering
for me.
Always for me.

Again, this is pretty much one complete sentence. It is not usually a characteristic of poetry to have stanzas that are one complete sentence--or contain a complete sentence anywhere, really.

I finish my song,
red-faced, shining, proud,
I smile at the audience,
seeing no one
not even you.

here, with redfaced, shining, proud...they are pretty much being listed off. you have done this in other stanzas but have made them each a line of their own. why this way now? Also...this entire stanza is one sentence. Puncuation is needed here.



I'm going to stop here because I think you get the gist of what needs to be done. The language is not spectacular, there really isn't a rhythm to the stanzas. Frankly, I think the stanzas are wayyyy too short for the amount of information in them. The idea is even a little iffy, the stanzas kind of bounce back and forth.

My suggestion would be to check out the Poetry Tips section and too have some friends [who will be honest with you] or a teacher read over this after you edit it a little and tell you what they think needs to be done.

Wow, this is one of the longest poems I've ever seen! (And I mean that fondly, no worries.)

I really, really, really like this piece. It's... very long, as I've already stated, but I know how the narrator feels. It's difficult to always be happy for someone when he/she doesn't even seem to fully appreciate your efforts!

Hmm... As much as I love the repetition and the way that, after reading for a while, we finally come to a cliched-statement-made-new, I'm thinking this might pack more punch if you shorten it a bit. Combine feelings and speed through it a little quicker. That way it'll keep the reader's attention throughout.