My Butterfly

Ok, so this probably isn't my best work, but I'll post it anyway. I'm just glad I wrote a halfway decent poem.

A speck of color
Sits on a flower
So delicate,
So innocent,
So inviting.

It catches my eye.
Golden wings glimmer
In the sunlit meadow.

I lunge for it,
It disappears,
And flys away.
My butterfly.

Now it rests
Upon a tree.
I run closer,
Attempt to catch it,
But once again,
It slips away.
I'll get you next time
My butterfly.

Now,
It softly beats its wings
Resting upon
A blade of grass.
It shall not elude me.
Not this time.

I creep up quietly,
Waiting for
That perfect moment.
I swat it with my hand.
I was quick enough
This time.

I look at my hand
To gaze upon my triumph,
But instead
Tattered golden scraps
Fall with my tears
As I wipe
My hands cleans.
Weeping for my sweet prize.
My butterfly.

It's amazing at how creative you were when speaking of something so small as a butterfly. I'm not one for nature or animals ('cept for dogs of course) but this poem almost made me like butterflies...I didn't really care for the title, but the poem itself flowed very well and I liked it.

it didn't keep my attention very well. it has the potential to be really interactive and like toy with the reader but it doesn't really.

wow. beautiful. i'm actually taken back, its kinda strange but with this poem i could actually picture myself there with the butterfly. nice choice of words and nice cheme you've used. i really liked this, best one i enjoyed reading today. keep up the good work!

All right, I liked some of your descriptives, but over all, this didn't do much for me. This is actually the third time I've popped in here, and this is the first time I've managed to read it ll the way through. You just...loose the readers attention. It's too whimsical, too light. There just doesn't seem to be much passion. It reminds me of watching a kitten stalk the butterfly, then when they pounce it and it doesn't move anymore, just move on. It's just there, cute, but not more than a few seconds entertainment.

niteowl wrote:Ok, so this probably isn't my best work, but I'll post it anyway. I'm just glad I wrote a halfway decent poem.

A speck of color
Sits on a flower
So delicate,
So innocent,
So inviting.

It catches my eye.
Golden wings glimmer
In the sunlit meadow.

I lunge for it,
It disappears,
And flys away.
My butterfly.

Now it rests
Upon a tree.
I run closer,
Attempt to catch it,
But once again,
It slips away.
I'll get you next time
My butterfly.

Now,
It softly beats its wings
Resting upon
A blade of grass.
It shall not elude me.
Not this time.

I creep up quietly,
Waiting for
That perfect moment.
I swat it with my hand.
I was quick enough
This time.

I look at my hand
To gaze upon my triumph,
But instead
Tattered golden scraps
Fall with my tears
As I wipe
My hands cleans.
Weeping for my sweet prize.
My butterfly.

This is a well put together poem. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

This is a beautiful poem, sweet and delicate like the butterfly you were describing. I shall now commence to break it down and nit-pick! bwahahaha!

A speck of color
Sits on a flower
So delicate,
So innocent,
So inviting.

Really a very perfect beginning, nothing much to say about this stanza.

It catches my eye.
Golden wings glimmer
In the sunlit meadow.

I'm not sure what it is, but the last line seems to stick out to me. If you change "in the" to one word like "around" or "through" it sounds better to me. But, hey, that's just me.

I lunge for it,
It disappears,
And flys away.
My butterfly.

I really like this stanza but I think it would make more sense if you switched the second and third lines like this:

"I lunge for it,
It flys away,
And disappears,.
My butterfly."

It makes more sense because the butterfly would fly away before it disappeared.

Now it rests
Upon a tree.
I run closer,
Attempt to catch it,
But once again,
It slips away.
I'll get you next time
My butterfly.

I didn't like the use of punctuation in this stanza, it stalled everything to much. I think if you just cut out all the commas it would flow better. I really don't think grammar applies to poetry

I'll skip the next two stanzas because there is really nothing wrong with them.

I look at my hand
To gaze upon my triumph,
But instead
Tattered golden scraps
Fall with my tears
As I wipe
My hands cleans.
Weeping for my sweet prize.
My butterfly.

I really liked this ending because it really shows the disappointment of the character when she finally did catch the butterfly and realized she had crushed it. A sweet and floaty poem that deserves a nice round of applause *clap clap clap*

Some punctuation errors, but other than that, good. Great imagery by the way. Keep it up!

That is a really beautiful poem. You wrote it really well. I liked the theme of how eagerness can destroy caution, and destroy the goal.

Wow. I'm always amazed when people bring up really really old posts like this completely at random. Thanks for all your comments, everyone. Hekategirl, I agree that I probably over-punctuated. I wrote this in my former era of writing, when I believed that the first word of every line in a poem must be capitalized. A middle school teacher told me that, I think. Now I know better, thanks to backgroundbob (he told me this when he reviewed another one of my more mediocre pieces). As for your other suggestions, they're good. I might change it later, but right now I don't have time.

As everyone else as said, gramamr and punctuation are spot on, and the way you managed to speak so gratly about a butterfuly is just increidible. Butterflies are just beautiful, aren't they...?

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~