Temporal Shadows (Prologue)

Adrianna, though only an Initiate at the Mages’ Circle, was in the fight for her life. Her opponent stood halfway across the cave, obscured by a burning field of energy similar to her own.

“It doesn’t have to begin this way,” he told her again. “Come of your own free will, sister. I don’t want to have to harm you.”

“I’m no sister of yours!” she spat, though she knew without a doubt that she was wrong. She could sense his smile at her fruitless denial. He knew; he always knew.

“This is your last chance. I will not wait any longer. Please, Adi.” The gentleness of his tone as he addressed her made Adrianna cringe.
“Don’t call me that! Don’t call me anything! I hate you!”

“That's not true. You know as well as I do.” Once again, his honesty beat against her battered mind. Why couldn’t he ever just lie outright? Why did truth always have to ring in even his most deceitful words? How could he always manage to speak truthfully and still lie so horrendously?

“I hate your half-lies. You weave truths together and stretch them until they’re false, like when you--.” He cut her off.

“We’ve been over this before. There is no need to discuss it again. I have said all I have to say on the matter and can make my words no clearer. You have already voiced your thoughts on it.” She continued to glare at him through the mystical hazes. After a few seconds, she heard his barely audible sigh of defeat.

“I see I will have to fight you now.” He sensed her tight nod. “Very well then.” She sensed a wave of crippling power building around him quickly. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, and unleashed his deluge at the same time she flung up a spur of the moment shield. Adrianna felt her body slam against the hard rock wall behind her as the inadequate defenses shattered. She would have to improve her control quickly if she wanted to survive. The young mage wished fervently that her powers had been unbound earlier in her life so she might be more accustomed to using them.

Before she could react to the blow, she felt his arm pinning her where she barely stood. She cursed her slow reflexes and recovery time. As quickly as she properly could, Adrianna summoned forth from her well of power a fist of energy with which to knock her foe away.

“You don’t think that will stop me,” he sneered elegantly just seconds before she struck him hard enough to make him stumble back a step. It wasn’t much, but she managed to jerk free, just before she fell…
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Yes, this part is relatively short. I might put up later chapters at another time. Reviews and thoughts are appreciated.

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

“It doesn’t have to again this way,” he told her again. “Come of your own free will, sister. I don’t want to have to harm you.”

Again this way?

The gentleness of his tone[,] as he addressed her[,] made Adrianna [s]want to[/s] cringe.

^^^ See quote

“You know as well as I that that’s not true.”

To avoid repetition think about how you could change this. Something like: “That’s not true. You know as well as I do.”

How could he always manage to speak truthfully and still lie so horrendously?

I don’t get it, he either lies or he doesn’t. Can you tell the truth and lie at the same time?

*

Hello!

Here’s something to think about:

Jennafina wrote:3. Have you formatted your work?
It's really, really hard to read prose that's all in a bunch.
> Are your paragraphs frequent and double spaced?
> Does all your dialogue have a new paragraph?
> Are all your sentences a reasonable length, not extremely long?

This was brief, a magical battle between siblings—I might be wrong but I got the impression that they are. There isn’t much to say apart from the things I’ve pointed out.

As a prologue it just tells me the girl has recently Initiated and her powers are not – well – powerful. Or she isn’t good at controlling them. I’d like to read more, interested to see what happens next.

-- Myth

I don't really like the word sneered on the man's last sentence. Up until then he's been polite and grave. The word sneered seems to imply a smirk, or a taunt, which seem against his character. Up to you, though. ^_^

Myth found my comments on formatting! Yay! Please double space this.

There's a whole lot of build up to the physical fight, but when it happens it's very short. He gets her in seconds. I wish there was more action before she's caught. If you don't want her powers to be developed enough to resist him, maybe she could dodge a few times?

I'd like to know about the powers: what they look like, how they work, how much she has, etc. Try to use all five senses to describe them and there will be a clearer picture for your reader.

Anyway, I really liked this. It had a nice pace, and was easy to follow. You started with an action scene, which is also great.

I'm curious about your story and characters. I think the brother is older, from his dialogue he seems a lot more mature. The girl said "I hate you" which seems kind of childish, but she has powers which makes me picture her older.

I'll look for the rest! Thanks for posting.

-Jenna

Thanks for the reviews and suggestions/corrections. The way I'm doing the prologue is kind of copying a scene from much later, so not a whole lot can be made clear right then. I'm going through right now and making changes according to suggestions. If the entire story has been read, I hope that it will all make more sense. I'm only a little more than halfway done right now and this is a first draft (I think we all know just how organized and perfect those tend not to be) so it can probably only get better. The beginning isn't very organized right now. As for their ages, I haven't quite decided how exactly I'm going to lay those out, but the brother is older and I think I had Adrianna at sixteen or seventeen years old.

If I decide to put other chapters up it is a little while before it gets back to Adrianna. That's one thing I hope to change in later drafts, if possible.

Thanks again!