The United States of Grey Imagination

The United States of Grey Imagination

The United States of Grey Imagination,
are at war.
Borders are disputed,
Mass casualties everyday.
Some innocent.

Shades of grey,
cover this spherical shape.
Of course there's no black or white,
It's all just
shades of grey.

A line here,
a line there,
Supposedly two here,
but it's not safe to find out.
Venture on at your own risk.

Sometimes grey is smeared.
It mingles with it's neighbor,
exchanging ideas.
Or is it exchanging war?
One would hope it's peace.

Civil unrest,
that's what it all is.
Internal conflict,
in the nations of the brain.
Which is right (or left)?

Can it never be black and white?
Wars never find peace.
Lines are never steady,
they might disappear completely.
Where did my border lines go?

Unity is archaic.
Confusion is key.
Mass chaos is common.
But at least we're all together,
In these United States of Grey Imagination



An idea I've had for a while. It means more to me than one can probably interpret. But good luck!
~Yoyo

yeah this was actually very good I really liked this and I did not see anything wrong with it.

I like the idea.

That said, I think there was kind of an issue putting it on paper. I mean, it's understandable and all...but it's not amazing. There aren't many descriptions within the poem that really make it stand out for other poems. I really do like the idea here, but it just needs more umph.

Happy Editing!
WM

Congratulations! You've won Crysi's Critique of the Night! (In other words, I decided to critique this before I pass out, lol)

yoha_ahoy wrote:The United States of Grey Imagination

Interesting title... Slightly clumsy, though.

The United States of Grey Imagination,
are at war.
Borders are disputed,
Mass casualties everyday.
Some innocent.

Shades of grey,
cover this spherical shape.
Of course there's no black or white,
It's all just
shades of grey.

You really need to work on your punctuation, especially in these two stanzas. The first lines don't need commas. I'd also use a semicolon at the end of the third line in the second stanza.

A line here,
a line there,
Supposedly two here,
but it's not safe to find out.
Venture on at your own risk.

Interesting...

Sometimes grey is smeared.
It mingles with it's neighbor,
exchanging ideas.
Or is it exchanging war?
One would hope it's peace.

"it's" in the second line should be "its," without the apostrophe.

Civil unrest,
that's what it all is.
Internal conflict,
in the nations of the brain.
Which is right (or left)?

Again, don't need a comma at the end of the third line. I really, really like this stanza, though - possibly my favorite of the piece. Love the last line.

Can it never be black and white?
Wars never find peace.
Lines are never steady,
they might disappear completely.
Where did my border lines go?

Not as strong here...

Unity is archaic.
Confusion is key.
Mass chaos is common.
But at least we're all together,
In these United States of Grey Imagination

Hmm... I'm just not sure this is as strong an ending as this piece needs.

Overall, I thought it was just mediocre. The meaning was slightly muddy, and there was too much repetition and not enough consistency for my taste. It's just sort of... bland. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an interesting idea. I think you just need to work on the presentation a bit more. Clean it up, make it sound less rambling and more driving, and I think maybe you'll have something to work with.

Thanks guys! Well... if you think about it, bland kind of works for this, at least in my mind. I think of grey as boring, uniform, no interest, just kind of "blah". And that's kind of the idea. I dunno... it works for me. I sort of like it how it is, though I can see how it would benefit from some more "oomph." Thanks for your suggestions!