(Title open for suggestions)

13 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 280
I distinctly remember that it started and ended in the muggy month of June. The weather had been incredibly nasty this year; there had been almost no rain since early May and my best friend Claire had gone with her mother a whole month early to the seaside. So not only was I angry at Claire’s mom, I was jealous of Claire herself, angry at God for making this year so miserable and my mom for saying we couldn’t even go to the lake until late July. This was setting me up for the gloomiest, tedious summer, the kind I’ve always regarded with a special dread.

The particular day it began, it was so unbearably hot that my mom just shoved me out the door with a groan at the heat, handing me a five dollar bill. I stalked away from the house, feeling like a crate of goods that didn’t belong in the house. I really did know that it was the heat that was killing off everybody’s good feelings. But I was younger then.

So I did the thing anyone sensible my age would do: I went straight for my favorite spot in all of Sarai, Indiana: the Carnation Soda Fountain. This was an awesome place where you could order ice cream, sodas, mix the two, have a date, hide from your date, recover from a broken heart. During the school year, after school it’s crammed to bursting with highschoolers. Most of us just call it “the Carnation”.

Right then, when I had that dollar bill in my hand, I slunk over to my favorite twiddle-y stool, got on and waited for Vince to appear. He was the ‘barkeep’. That is, he mixed the sodas, scooped the ice cream and shooed the kids out when they were being too loud. He was a tall, middle-aged guy, a man of few words, but I gathered that he was the grandson of the first owner, and have always treated him with the respect for a king. Because he’s a good guy. I know he gives free sundaes to kids who have just got dumped or had extraordinarily bad days, because Claire, a social butterfly, had ‘dated’ several guys who dumped her and ran to my house in tears, and we had together headed to the soda fountain. Vince has this talent of knowing when people are down in the dumps, so it didn’t surprise me at all when he came in from the back and said,

“Triple chocolate sundae or banana split?”

So I did what any sensible female would do: I ordered the chocolate sundae.

While Vince expertly slapped chocolate and vanilla ice cream into a bowl and added chocolate syrup, he asked,

“What’s got you, Sarah?”

“Claire’s gone to the seaside a month early, my mom wants me out of the house, my life sucks and it’s so freaking hot.”

“Hmm.” he threw some extra chocolate chips and nuts on it and handed it to me with a plastic spoon.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. How’s your neighbor, Mrs. Carlile, doing?”

“Oh, okay, I guess. Her new little dog is driving Levia crazy.” I replied, pronouncing the name “Lehv-aye-a”.

“Sorry to hear that Levia’s loosing it.” Vince gave me a small smile and vanished back into the storerooms. I think that Vince, in his long lifetime, may have listened to the grumblings, rantings and ravings of almost every teenager in this town. I also think that the school counselors are extremely jealous and want to know his secret. I’m getting away from the bar here.

I moodily ate the sundae, the cool chocolate soothing my angry thoughts. After I was done, little more then five minutes, I think, I tossed the empty plastic bowl into a trashcan behind the counter and kept sitting there, thinking. I laid my over-warm cheek against the cool marble and closed my eyes, breathing deeply. I shuddered at the idea of July and August if this was only June, and a voice said, from beside me,

“Something wrong?”

I shot up. I hadn’t heard anyone come in, and it was empty when I came in myself, aside from Vince. Looking to my right, I saw a plain looking kid, a few years older then myself, staring at me over a glass of ice water. He was essentially nondescript aside from his eyes, which gave me the creeps. They were powerful and gentle at the same time. The next thing I noticed about him was I had never seen this guy before. Sarai is a small town, and everybody knows everybody else.

“Just the worst summer of my life.” I stared at him, then asked, somewhat rudely, “Who’re you?”

“Gabriel.” he held out his hand and I took it.

“Sarah Parsley.”

“Interesting name,” he commented.

“Thanks. Where do you come from?”

He smiled cheekily.

“Mother always did say she though I came straight down from Heaven.”

“Ha-ha-ha-ha. Come on, tell me!” I liked Gabriel.

“I wander a lot.” he shrugged and sipped his ice water.

“Cool. So you’re on your own?” he smiled again and spread his arms.

“Nobody is alone.”

“What do you mean?”

“God is with us.” I could immediately tell that my mom would love Gabriel. My family is Orthodox, we pray in the morning, before and after lunch, during the afternoon, before and after dinner, when we get up, when we go to sleep.

An idea was forming in my mind.

“So you don’t have any place to stay tonight?”

“God will provide.”

“You could stay at our house,” I offered. “There’s a spare guest room that we never use.” he hesitated.

“Would your mother mind?”

“Oh, no. She loves having guests over, and is a fanatic about the Beatitudes and stuff. Always looking for opportunities to help.” I wasn’t lying. Every Tuesday she goes to the bargain store and bargains the stuffing out of the clerks, scores awesome deals out of that place and brings it to our church, where we give it to the poor. There is no other bargainer like Carla Parsley.

His face relaxed into a smile.

“Okay, then.”

I stood up. He did likewise, and we excited the Carnation Soda Shop.

My house is one of those spacious-bottom-floors-cramped-upstairs houses. The three people in my family, Mom, Isaac, my little brother and I each have separate rooms. My dad’s off doing work for the government. Our kitchen is practically a mall, it’s so big. We also eat dinner in there. My house is located to the east of the town, with a sweeping lawn and big front porch. Mom thinks that it was built by one of the first people who settled here- it’s just that old.

So anyway, I cut across Mrs. Carlile’s lawn –she never minds- Gabriel following me, and Levia ran up to meet me. Levia is my dog, a very old black terrier. We both squatted down and Gabriel patted Levia. Levia sniffed at Gabriel for a second, and then decided that he hadn’t come to steal Isaac’s action figure collection.

“Gabriel, this is my faithful canine companion, Levia, short for Leviathan.” Gabriel looked at me, puzzled. I launched into the explanation. “The shelter we got him from several years ago has this program that you can take home the animal for a night or so to see if he or she likes the surroundings. So when we brought him home, Isaac, my little brother, was playing in a blow-up pool and Levia just jumped right in. He loves the water- don’cha, boy?” I rubbed Levia’s head. “And he has this way, whenever he’s in the water of surfacing so his nose comes out only for a second, then his back follows. Makes him look like a sea serpent, sort of, so we named him after the sea monster in the Bible- I think it’s mentioned in Psalm 104 or something. ‘There go the ships and Levi’athan, which Thou didst form to sport in it.’”

Gabriel’s face cleared up.

“Ah, I see now!” he exclaimed. Levia barked happily and ran up the porch. My mom came out to let him in.

“Sarah, I- who is this?” she bustled down the stairs to meet us. My mom is tall, wiry and kind of crazy looking because she always holds her eyes open really wide, and has a straight nose and chin. I have inherited everything except the crazy eyes from my mom. My straight brown hair came from my dad. Mom towers above everybody. I don’t-yet.

“Mom, this is Gabriel.” I said in my sweetest, most persuading voice. “He’ll be staying with us tonight. He needs a place to sleep.” Mom smiled immediately and hugged Gabriel. He looked at me, puzzled over her shoulder. I dragged her off him.

“What’s for lunch?” I asked.

“Spaghetti.” I groaned. “It’s Wednesday, dear.” we were heading up the porch and into the house. Mom had apparently given up on leaving windows open, and the house was cool and air-conditioned. Levia trotted at our heels, yipping happily. I plopped down on the squishy couch while Mom went to the kitchen and stirred spaghetti sauce. Gabriel sat down next to me and asked,

“So what are your hobbies?”
I shrugged.

“I listen to a lot of foreign bands and write. And paint stuff. But most of the day I just wander around the town or hang out at the Carnation. My best friend went away to the sea a month early, and she won’t be back ‘til late August.” I sighed gustily. I heard footsteps on the stairs and looked up. Isaac’s gray eyes peered at me from between the railings.

“Who’s this guy?” he asked, not moving.

“Get down here, twerp, and let me introduce you.” Isaac faltered, but came clattering down and stood in front of Gabriel, who promptly stood up and offered his hand.

“Gabriel, this is my little brother Isaac. Isaac, this is my new friend Gabriel. He’ll be staying with us tonight.”

“Nice to meet you, Isaac.” Gabriel said with a wide smile. Isaac stared up at him, somewhat awed. A lot of people have that effect on Isaac. He’s very…impressionable.

“Where do you come from?” asked Isaac, with great interest, climbing up onto the couch. He’s really a small kid, from my dad’s side, and this couch was huge and fluffy.
Gabriel smiled.

“I wander a lot.”

“Cool! Have you been to New York?” Going to New York was Isaac’s dream. He thought that Dad might be there.

“Once or twice.”

“What do you do during the winter?”

“I wander in the winter.”

“Sarah! Come in here and drain the spaghetti, will you?” I got up mechanically and went into the mall-kitchen. Mom’s face was as red as the sauce she was adding fried onions into.

“Nice kid.” she said in an undertone as I dumped the spaghetti into a strainer and ran it under the cool water for a second. “Where’d you find him? Does he really wander?”

“Yeah. At the Carnation. I think he might be Orthodox, because when I met him he said, when I asked where he stayed during the night, ‘God will provide.’” Mom’s face lit up happily.

“Really? Good, then! He is very welcome here!” she dished up the sauce in a bowl while I plunked the mound of spaghetti into another dish. The table had already been set, and I hurriedly added a place for one more. Mom took out the brown pitcher and filled it with ice cubes and tap water as I pounded a tattoo on the gong. This is probably one of my favorite things about the house. A huge gong sits in the kitchen, and you can hear it all around the house and even outside. Levia also understands the gong, that it is lunch time, and came skidding into the kitchen.

Isaac came in, dragging Gabriel. That’s the good thing about my kid brother- he’s very loyal and once he has a friend, he never loses it, like a dog. We gathered around the table, sang the Hymn to the Theotokos, the Lord’s Prayer and sat down to eat.

Though Mom is admittedly crazy, she is a wonderful cook. Gabriel heaped praises on her head, and she smiled constantly. I myself am not a spaghetti fan. Isaac dotes on it, though he does feed a lot of it to Levia, who loves it even more, if possible.

After lunch, Isaac, Gabriel and I went out to the backyard and played horseshoe while Levia barked at squirrels. Mom brought us out lemonade, and we sat in the shade and talked. Gabriel knew a great deal about the Bible, and he and Mom were in a deep discussion about philosophy when I think I nodded off.

Heat has always had two major effects on me, one or the other: one is that I get a terrible heat rash and feel like I’m drowning or suffocating in heat, and the other is that I get incredibly sleepy. Most of the time it’s the rash.

So I dozed until mid afternoon, when Levia roused me from my light slumber with barks. Isaac had been playing tug-of-war with him, and Gabriel and Mom were still talking about ethics or whatever –those kinds of discussions always make me feel guilty and horrific, so I generally stay out of them- and a bird had settled on my knee. This didn’t really surprise me. In addition to being crazy, my mom likes birds a great deal, and there’s a huge birdfeeder near our house. This particular specimen looked like a sparrow, and I stared at it sluggishly. Next thing I knew, Isaac was shaking my shoulder with both hands –remember, I’m a giant- and saying, excitedly,

“It’s dinner time! Stir fry!” I yawned loudly, and stretched. I got up and followed Isaac, who was talking excitedly about different places Gabriel had told him about. I wasn’t really listening, though. My mind was fuzzy with sleep.

After dinner, Isaac took Gabriel up to his room to show him his action figure collection, which was his pride and joy. Isaac doesn’t play with them; he just likes looking at them, their stories and re-painting them. My mom used to be an artist. We have some of her old pictures in the living room. Sometimes we use them to scare our guests- it’s like having every possible color clashing in one frame. It’s enough to make you faint. Most of her art has been confined to the basement. Sometimes I go there when I have hiccups.

Right. Anyway.

Dinner was pretty nondescript, though Mom did catch Isaac feeding Levia. Gabriel was the politest teenager I’ve ever met. He seemed older then he looked.

In the evening, I pulled out a scarf I was knitting for Claire, Isaac dragged Gabriel over to his huge jigsaw puzzle in the corner and Mom read “The Ladder of Divine Ascent”. She reads it year round, though it’s only intended for Great Lent. I was still quite drowsy from the day, and retired to bed early.

“Okay. Good night.” said Mom, not looking up from her book. How she still finds it interesting is way beyond me.

“Good night, Sarah.” said Gabriel, looking up and smiling at me. Isaac nodded intent on finding a place for the piece he was currently holding.

“Good night.” I replied, and walked sedately up the stairs to my room. I wrote in my journal for a few minutes, said evening prayers, undressed and went to bed.

To no great surprise, I awoke very early. Putting on my cut-off jeans and a baggy T-shirt to fight the heat, I slipped downstairs to find Gabriel already up.

“Good morning,” I yawned.

“Good morning. Want to go for a walk before the heat of day settles in?” he asked.
I stopped, mid-yawn, and looked at him, perplexed.

“Okay.” I said, shrugging.

The first illumination of dawn had begun to creep over the horizon, but it was still hard to see Gabriel’s face in spite of the rising light.
We were walking along the fields at the edge of town when:

“Sarah,” he said to me, quite seriously. “I’m leaving Sarai today.”

I stopped.

“What? Why?”

He sighed heavily.

“I came here on a mission, and I’m going to complete it soon. Then I’ll have to leave.”
I grabbed his arm.

“But why? Why can’t you stay? What’s your mission?”

“I have to tell someone something. Or possibly more. I just don’t want you and your family to freak out when you find I’m gone without a trace.”

I let my hands fall to my sides. A wind suddenly blew, bringing nasty, humid air with it. Suddenly, Gabriel’s head shot up and he said, quietly,

“It’s coming.”

“What’s coming?”

I could feel the earth shaking lightly under my feet. A sound of heavy footsteps reached my ears. We looked back towards the town, and saw a large, lumbering thing heading our way.

“Carnivean,” breathed Gabriel.
“What?” I whispered. My throat seemed to have shrunk and I was paralyzed in a wave of fear that overcame me at the sight of that thing.

“Carnivean. A fallen angel.” said Gabriel.

Carnivean saw us, and came closer.

It was a horrible, dragon-like creature with red scales, sharp claws and venom-dripping fangs. Its eyes were fixed on Gabriel, who stood his ground coolly.

“Carnivean.” he said, raising his voice. “Why have you been harassing this town with your heatwaves? Leave or face my wrath!”

The demon replied in a voice so unnatural and twisted, I sank to my knees, trembling.

“It is the command of my master, and I will stay here as I long as I wish, angel!”

I looked up at Gabriel. He wasn’t a teenage boy any more; now he was a tall, strong looking man with large, feathery wings. In his right hand was a sword of flames.

“I give you one more warning, Carnivean: leave now or I will attack!”

As an answer, Carnivean began to charge straight towards us.

Gabriel raised his sword to block Carnivean; I never saw what happened afterwards. I had fainted.

I woke up when someone gently shook my shoulder.

“Sarah.” My eyes snapped open, brain flooding with memories of the two beings who had clashed before my eyes.
A medium-height woman in long robes was crouched down next to me. She had a gentle, care-worn face.

“You must wake up and go home, Sarah.” she said quietly.

“Who are you?” I asked, getting up, somewhat shakily. I had been curled on the hard ground in a tight ball. I looked around for a minute, getting bearings on my surroundings. Same place. Different time.

“I am your saint.” I whirled around. Nobody was there.

When I got home, nobody was awake. I checked the clock. 7:30. Mom would be down by eight. I also checked the temperature- 74. I looked out the kitchen window. Clouds had gathered. As I watched, rain, the first rain since early May, began to fall.

Both Mom and Isaac were very sad that Gabriel had gone when I told them that he had suddenly remembered he had a message to give to someone, and had to go, saying thank you for the wonderful time he had.

The word “angel” is messenger, no?


-------------
Right. Uh. Any criticism or comments on my work appreciated greatly :)
This is one of my weirder stories. My stories are generally weird, but this falls into the "weird-weird-WEIRD" category.

Ink
ohmeohmy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 46
I like that. You incorporate Orthodoxy into everything you write, don't you? :P I guess we all write what we know... I liked the idea, but Gabriel--Oh! I just got that! Gabriel, the angel of the Lord! Gotcha. :wink: --Gabriel's conversation with...um...Carnivean seemed a little awkward. Also, not being Orthodox, I have no idea what "I am your saint" means, and since a vast majority of the world's population is not Orthodox, you might want to explain that somewhere. You don't want it to be too obvious, so...Oh, maybe Isaac could have an action figure designed after his saint, and you could take that opportunity to let us in on the Great Mystery of Owning Saints. :P
Did you name Claire after me? :P Also...Carla...is an anagram of...one of my friend's names...you probably know her... :D
It was a great idea, if you explain that Orthodox concept...also, is the hymn they sang before dinner important? If it is, you might want to share that with us...And since Orthdox hymns are different from Protestant and Catholic hymns, you might want to describe it (ex. "Sarah loved the way the melody of the hymn ________")
And what time period is this? I know I've never actually seen a soda fountain, except in old movies...so make it clear, either identify the time period or something like "Though soda fountains were fast becoming a thing of the past, this one was thriving on teenage love, and teenage heartbreak."
I love the idea, though, write another chapter! And don't drop it *coughcoughGypsyCharmcoughcough* :D
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky."
~Solomon Short

"We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
~Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 280
Okay. When Catechumans are Chrismated or baptized into the Orthodox church, they are given a Saints' Name. For example, my dad's saint's name is John the Baptist, my mom is Mary Magdeline, and I'm Saint Cassia. It's right after your middle name and before your last name.

The Hymn of the Theotokos
"It is truly meet to bless you, O Theotokos, o must pure and the mother of our God. More honorable then the Cherubim and more glorious beyond compare then the Seraphim. Without defilement you gave birth to God the Word, true Theotokos we magnify you."

Oi...if you want more of that Gypsy Charm, just say the word ;)

I am not sure how an angel would speak, much less a fallen angel, and I know that part needs some patching up. Er, a LOT of patching up :lol:

ANOTHER chapter? :flabbergasted: I don't have anything else to write as Sarah Parsley, but if you get an idea, PM me ASAP, k? I'm open. (This was intended as a 1-shot)

Since Sarai, Indiana doesn't exist (I've been reading Genesis for Lent, and Sarai and Sarah are both names I've encountered) it's in just about any time period. Considering the fountain, the clothes, the air conditioning and a lot of other crud, they're in the later 1990s.

:applauds CCM-chan: That's right! Archangel Gabriel! I considered using the name "Micheal " instead but....Gabriel fitted better :D

Thanks, CCM-chan.

P.S.:
Comparing Orthodox hymns to Protestant and Catholic... :drumroll: THEY AREN'T CONTEMPORARY AND THEY DON'T RHYME! :lol: :lol: :lol:
P.S.S.
My favorite line is "So I did what any sensible female would do: I ordered the chocolate sundae." :lol: :lol: :lol:
ohmeohmy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3362
Reviews 225
I repeat, sensible males would too! :lol:
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
dun worry
it's all gun be k




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 46
Ahem. Aet:
Girls: Love chocolate. Get periods. Admit they have heartbreak. Share their feelings. Drown their sorrow in chocolate.
Guys: Like chocolate. Think a period goes at the end of a sentence. Clam up about heartbreak. Ditto their feelings. Drown their sorrow in contact sports.

*generalizations

Baroness (God, that's hard to get used to, LB):
Theotokos=Mary? Oh...Theo=God, tokos=mother?

Catechuman...

Sarai...not exactly a common town name in Illinois, I'm guessing, but whatever. It fits with your biblical theme.
I thought you might write more because "It all started" implies that something else happened, that that was just the beginning.
I like that line, too.
PS: The Word. :lol:
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky."
~Solomon Short

"We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
~Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 280
Indiana! :lol:
:snorksnorkgnork: Nice comparison to males and females.
And I'm not LB here! (I like being a Baroness! :D )
Hai, the Theotokos is Mary. She's almost always referred to as the Theotokos in the Orthodox liturgy.
ohmeohmy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6090
Reviews 1258
Hey, Baroness!

Mmm, good story. Jyoozu, as they say in Japan when you've done well. :wink:

But, of course, being myself, I've gotta rip things apart, so- your critique!

A GOOD HOOK: should really draw your reader into the story, and create some sort of propulsion forward.

Most people are going to say something like this: "You're thirteen. You can write a complete sentence, so therefore this is a grand hook."

I'd say the same thing, except I'm mean.

Your first line is good, and that's a start (both literally and figuratively), but the stuff that comes immediately after it is pretty important, too.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
This text is really long, so I may not get through it all right now, just so you know.

I distinctly remember that it started and ended in the muggy month of June.
I have a hate for -ly words. Would this sentence be any different without "distinctly"? No, it wouldn't. It would read smoother. also the "it started and ended" part feels off to me. I'm not sure how else you could say it though.

The weather had been incredibly nasty this year
Should "This year" be "that year" since you are remembering something?

So not only was I angry at Claire’s mom, I was jealous of Claire [s]herself[/s], angry at God for making this year so miserable and my mom for saying we couldn’t even go to the lake until late July.
This sentence is really long. Find some way to split it up.

This was setting me up for the gloomiest, tedious summer, the kind I’ve always regarded with a special dread.
make the comma after summer a semicolon.

I really did know that it was the heat that was killing off everybody’s good feelings.
this would sound better if written like this: I knew that is was the heat that was killing off everybody's good feelings, but I was younger then.

So I did the thing anyone sensible my age would do:
this sounds weird. Maybe if you said "So I did the thing anyone my age would do" or something like that. "Anyone sensible my age" just doesn't sound right. It isn't worded properly.

This was an awesome place where you could order ice cream, sodas, mix the two, have a date, hide from your date, recover from a broken heart.
don't tell us it was awesome. Tell us all the things you could do there, like you do in the rest of it, but cut the 'awesome' part.

with the respect for a king.
of a king, I believe.


and we had together headed to the soda fountain.
the "together" is assumed in "we" so it can be taken out.

in from the back and said,

“Triple chocolate sundae or banana split?”


I think your confused on the common way to do dialog. Because there is a comma after said you DO NOT make a new paragraph. Yes, they say "make a new paragraph for all dialog" but not like this. This is a sentence, because of the comma, and you don't make paragraphs between sentences (Perhaps I'll find an article/link to help you out with this)

So I did what any sensible female would do:
the reuse of the word sensible also makes sensible an annoying word.

he asked,

“What’s got you, Sarah?”
same thing as before. Looks like I will have to find some way to help you out with this.

“Claire’s gone to the seaside a month early, my mom wants me out of the house, my life sucks and it’s so freaking hot.”
comma after sucks

I’m getting away from the bar here.
uhhh... what? What is this sentence trying to say? It makes no sense.

I moodily ate the sundae
XD Again this is partially my distaste for -ly words, but the way you used moodily here is just SO funny. We already know she is in a bad mood, so there is really no point in repeating it...cut it.

I shuddered at the idea of July and August if this was only June, and a voice said, from beside me,

“Something wrong?”
not only is this another spot where the whole paragraph thing should be fixed, but "A voice said..." should be its own sentence. It makes it a run on like you have it.

and it was empty when I came in [s]myself[/s]


a few years older then myself
Than, not then.

My family is Orthodox, we pray in the morning, before and after lunch, during the afternoon, before and after dinner, when we get up, when we go to sleep.
WOAH! Shut off the telling, lol. Show us this some how, otherwise this is an info dump.

And I have to say (Though with his name being Gabriel and all it was expected) going right into the "God is with us" and SNAPPING into a religious theme shocks the reader; it's TOO strong to happen so suddenly. (It's not bad. Just....eh)

Every Tuesday she goes to the bargain store and bargains the stuffing out of the clerks, scores awesome deals out of that place and brings it to our church, where we give it to the poor. There is no other bargainer like Carla Parsley.
Do we need to know this? No. It isn't helpful to the story, it doesn't aid us in anyway other than tell us about her mother. but, thats the whole point, it's TELLING.

Your voice in this has been bothering me a lot, and I finally found something specific to pinpoint:

So anyway


You're writing this like you're talking to someone. To a friend. Don't. Write it like a story. put us in your shoes, don't tell us the story. Maybe thats why you have so much annoying telling? You are literally telling the story to the reader. You want the reader to feel like they are in the story, like they are you. You don't say to a reader "So anyway, I....'

So anyway, I cut across Mrs. Carlile’s lawn –she never minds- Gabriel following me,
the punctuation her eis off. The dashes should be em dashes (I think they are called. make them by hitting ALT+ 0151) and it just doesn't....fit. Write it like this "I cut across Mrs Carlile's lawn—she never mind—and Gabriel followed me."

I'm going to do the rest later, Kay? I have some things to do.

On general, it was OK. Your voice annoyed me (I explained why above) you seemed to change tense now and then, which I think is a result of the "telling" voice. And it starts off a little slow. It's not a bad story, some sentences are too long and maybe the story should be over all slimmed down, but I am one for slim stories. It wasn't bad, but it didn't particularly (yet) spark too much of my interest. I would like to see where the religious end of this goes, and what happens. For Thirteen, this isn't so bad. It's actually pretty good for your age. Now all you have to do is constantly make it better :-D

I'll come back *eventually* to do the rest. If a few days go by and it looks like I've forgotten, PM me.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 280
Okay. :lol: thanks for the review.
I've been told a lot in reality that I have the makings of a good writer, but I do have a long ways to go.

Drat! Stupid commas and stuff. Grammar has never been my friend >->

Once again, arigato for the review. I have, once again, survived! ;)
Last edited by Sumi H. Inkblot on Thu Mar 01, 2007 12:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
ohmeohmy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3362
Reviews 225
"commas", you mean? :lol:
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
dun worry
it's all gun be k




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 46
I remembered something that bothered me! "Carlile" is actually spelled "Carlisle." Unless you've seen it that way somewhere else, I suggest you change it. It looks really wierd.
And you did snap into the religiousness a little bit abruptly.

PS: Claudette: "-ly words" are called ADVERBS! Unless you are icluding lovely, family...
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky."
~Solomon Short

"We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
~Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 280
Nope. I meant it to be spelled Carlile. Sorry if it annoys you, but IT IS HER NAME! :D

~Ink/Sumi
ohmeohmy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 11
wow, ink! i am extremly impressed! fantastic job! i love how you stuck orthodoxy in there...but. okay...you said something like, "i am orthodox, so..." i think it would make more sense to people if you said "orthodox christian" b/c most people hear orthodox and think straight away of orthodox jew, and i don't think you wanna be saying that... also, sarah told her mom that Gabrial said that, "God will provide," and so you think he is orthodox... i think you should put you think he must be a christian cause any type of christian could say that. so, yeah, other than that...bravo! i love it when you write about orthodoxy...i'm serious! the book i am writing is so going to have orthodoxy in it! YAY! So, anyway, good job!
~Meera
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." ~Ronald Reagon



Russets and tangerine shades of old gold flushing the very outside edge of the senses ... deep shining ochres, burnt umber and parchments of baked earth—reflecting on itself and through itself, filtering the light.
— Guildenstern (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)